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I have every single performance review document I’ve received since my first “corporate” role. Twenty of them. There are two consistent themes as I look back on all of them.

Those themes are: “Highest Performer” (or some version of that) and “Strong.” What is interesting about those two is that in most of the reviews, it is acknowledged that the performance was accomplished because of the strength.

Despite this, I’ve received feedback that’s as confusing as it is conflicting. Almost without fail, from both female and male leaders, this feedback followed a series of advice that included a level of “please tone down the strength.” Some examples:

“Develop more caring relationships.”

“Have more empathy.”

“Show others that she cares about them.”

What I find disturbing about these comments is that, over the years, I’ve also been told repeatedly to stop being so soft, to be stronger, to toughen up. What I find fascinating is that every time I’ve had to complete some version of executive profiling, I’ve always come out points and points ahead of “where I’m supposed to land” in empathy.

Years ago, for example, I was going through the hiring process for a very senior change agent role at a new firm. The firm had a required executive assessment that its candidates went through. It was a two-day, in-person, exceptionally intensive interview process with a series of psychologists, PhDs, and behaviorists. After the two days, a robust report was produced, and as a result of that report, you were deemed either fit or unfit for the role.

One of the tools in this packet was the CPI, the California Psychological Inventory–Executives. The layman’s description of this tool is that it takes the participant and ranks him or her against the “norms” for executive personality types across multiple behavioral traits. I matched pretty much data point for data point, with the exception of empathy. My empathy was 10 points higher than the norm. Yet, it was listed as a possible derailer.

When I saw this result, I asked myself: Is it a derailer because you view my empathy as weakness, or is it an asset that I don’t exhibit enough of? The fine line that women are expected to walk between being strong and empathetic is exhausting.