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Let There Be Light

You may think it exceedingly odd

that in the very beginning God,

starting out on day one,

made light before the sun.

Something about this story is flawed.

Genesis 1:3–19

The Serpent Was Blessed

Quiet your vexed vocalization.

The serpent was no aberration.

The good Lord called it forth

gave it value and worth,

a subtle part of God’s creation.

Genesis 1:24–25

Genesis Dilemma

After procreating with my wife,

there are still some commands for this life:

I have to figure out

what it means to rule trout,

owls, and cows. I can’t handle this strife!

Genesis 1:28

He Was Really Lonely in that Garden

Adam had to face reality:

while the animals had parity,

he was left all alone

with no one he could bone

unless he tried bestiality.

Genesis 2:18–20

Ohhhh get over it. Limericks are supposed to be rude.

Besides, that’s nothing compared to what Rabbi Eleazar said about Adam alone in the garden before the creation of Eve. Rabbi Eleazar, a Talmudic sage, interpreted the Genesis story this way: “This teaches us that Adam had intercourse with all the animals and all the beasts, but he was satisfied only when he had intercourse with Eve.”1

Flesh for My Bone

The first man, Adam, lived all alone

with no one he could count as his own.

The animals could mate

in their natural state,

but for the first man there was none.

So Yahweh became the first surgeon

to make for the man one of his own.

With a wound in his side

Adam said with great pride,

“This one at last is flesh for my bone.”

Genesis 2:18–23

Well that’s a Different Kind of Boner

Was it a rib from the man’s sternum

that God used to make the first woman?

Or could it be that God

used a different rod,

and that’s why we have no baculum?

Genesis 2:22

I’ll give you a minute. Go ahead and look it up. . .

Eat My Dust!

The literalists insist we must

take the Bible at its word, or bust,

but it makes little sense

to get mad and incensed

asserting snakes actually eat dust.

Genesis 3:14

God Doesn’t Like Vegetarians

Cain brought an off’ring agrarian

while Abel came with fresh carrion.

God chose Abe’s, of the two,

so I think that it’s true:

God’s biased ‘gainst vegetarians.

Genesis 4:3–4

Keep it in the Family

East of Eden, to the Land of Nod,

went the fugitive, Cain, marked by God;

it was there that he wed

and took his wife to bed,

but if she’s his sis, this story’s flawed!

Genesis 4:17

The Song of the Sword

Lamech said to his wives something bold,

“I am a killer, my blood is cold,

for I am better than Cain,

and if I am slain

I’ll be avenged seventy-seven fold!”

Genesis 4:23–24

The Origins of the Nephilim

Now the Sons of God were observing

Earth girls with figures that were curving;

they decided to mate,

an act that sealed their fate.

God said, “Of wrath they’re now deserving.”

Genesis 6:1–4

Noah’s Wife

It’s an old joke and very well known,

I think it’s funny, it gets a groan.

Tell me now, without strife

the name of Noah’s wife.

Here’s the punch line: his wife’s name was Joan.

Genesis 6:18

Joan of ark. . . get it? Joan of Arc. Groan.

Noah’s Ark

I wonder how Noah did build it,

that ark, and how the animals fit,

and who fed them each day

with those great bales of hay,

and who shoveled the elephant shit?

Genesis 7:1–5

Noah Was an Angry Drunk

Now may a curse be upon Canaan

for what his father, my son, has done;

he saw me passed out drunk,

naked and in full funk:

so let him be slave to everyone.

Genesis 9:20–25

A Fable

Don’t be offended by the label,

but I think the Tower of Babel,

as Genesis describes,

just can’t be made to jibe

with history. It is a fable.

Genesis 11:1–9

Blessing the Sons of Abraham

When consid’ring the Arab and Jew

it is very important that you

recall without distress

that the Lord God did bless

Abram’s sons—Isaac and Ishmael too.

Genesis 17:20; 25:11

That’s No Excuse, Lot

The people of Sodom were rotters,

committed to rape and to slaughters.

But e’en with their abuse

there is still no excuse

for Lot to offer up his daughters.

Genesis 19:1–8

Lot’s Wife

Leaving the town, she came to a halt.

Should we blame her and say it’s her fault?

For curiosity

to see atrocity

some of us should be turned into salt.

Genesis 19:24–26

Biblical Kink

Lot, after leaving Sodom and Zoar

lived in caves with his daughters, both whores.

The girls plied him with drink

then, with biblical kink,

conceived Israel’s enemies’ ancestors.

Genesis 19:30–38

Abraham Got Lucky

God said to Abraham, “kill your son,

your beloved, you know the one;

take out your bloody knife

and sacrifice his life.”

So Abe obeyed without a question.

But good God, and good grief, and God damn!

What the hell’s wrong with you, Abraham?

To follow as if blind

a request so unkind?

You’re lucky God provided a ram.

Genesis 22

Testify

It was the custom, in days gone by,

to place your hand here under my thigh

to mark a solemn vow,

but be sure to allow

that it really means cupping the guy.

Genesis 24:9; 47:29

In a related note—the English word “Testify” comes from the same root as “Testicle.”

Good for Sermons, Bad for Biology

The Bible’s good for homiletics

but it says little of genetics.

Jacob’s trick with the rods

is demonstrably flawed

and displays questionable ethics.

Genesis 30:25–43

Who Sold Joseph to Whom?

The elder sons of Father Israel,

in a moment less than filial,

sold their brother Jacob

to the first passing mob,

who were, by chance, the sons of Ishmael.

But wait a minute, that isn’t right,

there’s a slight contradiction in sight.

In one of these lines I

read he was rescued by

a caravan of Midianites.

Genesis 37:28, 36; 39:1

Seed on the Ground

T’was his duty and Onan was bound:

get Tamar pregnant, her belly round.

But Onan didn’t care

to produce any heir

and instead spilt his seed on the ground.

Genesis 38:8–9

Onan’s story is the perfect. . . seed for limericks.

Thank you, Onan

Oh, Onan, how you do amuse us.

Because of you we get to discuss

whether or not it is

a great sin to spill jizz;

thanks to your coitus interruptus.

Genesis 38:9

That’s How Mad Cow Disease Got Started, You Know. . .

Pharaoh once had a dream unbenign,

a dream that sent shivers down his spine.

He saw something vile

come up from the Nile:

those cannibalistic river kine.

Genesis 41:1–4 (KJV)

Kine is the only plural form in the English language that does not share a single letter with its singular—Cow.

The First Socialist

Evangelical apologists

must be well confirmed capitalists

for there are very few

who will admit to you

that Joseph was the first socialist.

Genesis 41

Carry up My Bones from Here

Prince Joseph from his deathbed intones:

“Make for me in Egypt no headstones.

You should do this instead,

when I am cold and dead,

go to the Promised Land with my bones.”

Genesis 50:24–25

1. Eleazar, B. Yeabamoth 63a