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Rabbits Refect

There are some malicious reviewers

who would put the Bible on skewers,

but don’t get out of joint

though they may have a point:

rabbits technically aren’t cud chewers.

Leviticus 11:3–6

Rabbits do eat their partially digested fecal pellets, a process called refection. This is similar to, but not the same as, rumination or “cud chewing.”

Moses Was not an Ornithologist

I know it’s silly, that it’s absurd

to get hung up on a little word

and there’s not much at stake

in this little mistake,

but, dang it all, a bat ain’t a bird!

Leviticus 11:13–19

Moses wasn’t a chiropterologist, either for that matter.

Four Legged Insects?

Now, let’s not set off the powder kegs;

keep the conversation calm, I begs,

but let’s question the text

for how many insects

do you know that have only four legs?

Leviticus 11:20

Unclean

A man lies with his woman, and then

he has an emission of semen.

Now they are both unclean,

if you know what I mean,

that’s the word. Can I get an amen?

Leviticus 15:18

Yom Kippur

Now don’t be so silly or flip or

profane, but today we must skip o’er

food, sex, and leather shoes,

for this is how we Jews

keep and commemorate Yom Kippur.

Leviticus 16:29; 23:27

Two Different Materials

I am sorry to say this, my friend,

but our friendship must come to an end;

I must from you withdraw

for you’ve broken God’s law:

your shirt is a poly-cotton blend.

Leviticus 19:19

Does This Apply to Women as Well?

Though it is a book truly revered,

there are parts that are just a bit weird.

Read it; you’ll find hidden

among things forbidden

Leviticus bans trimming your beard.

Leviticus 19:27

We Won’t Follow this One

Though our Bibles are thumbed and well-worn

we treat this verse with sneers and with scorn.

We may read it, but we

will refuse to agree

to treat foreigners as native born.

Leviticus 19:33–34

No Dwarves!

What in this instruction is unclear?

No one with a defect may come near.

So you should stay at home

if you’re a hunch-backed gnome,

God doesn’t want you to worship here.

Leviticus 21:18–20

Sorry Lance Armstrong

Though it might make you feel insecure,

if you’ve had cancer testicular

and your testes were cut

the chapel doors are shut.

On this scripture’s quite particular.

Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1

Lex Talionis

The Lex Talionis law was good,

for when correctly applied it would

put limits on revenge,

so that no one could binge

on the gouging of eyes, which is rude.

Leviticus 24:20

The Obvious Meaning Can’t Be Right

Oh, everyone’s a literalist,

that is, at least, until you insist

the Year of Jubilee

is good for you and me,

then that method is quickly dismissed.

Leviticus 25

Private Property

Those who defend private property

as a right giv’n by divinity

truly don’t understand

the biblical command

that calls for the Year of Jubilee.

Leviticus 25

It’s Okay if They’re from Canada

Say I want to buy a slave, okay,

what does scripture on that topic say?

“Your slaves you should accrue

from nations around you.”

So I’ll get mine from Canada, eh?

Leviticus 25:44