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Hebrew Women Are not Like Egyptian Women

Pharaoh instructed all the midwives:

let no Hebrew boys be born alive,

“But our women are strong,

and it never takes long;

they give birth before we arrive.”

Exodus 1:15–19

Seriously Understaffed Midwives

It’s no wonder that when the Hebrews

came to the time their babies were due

the midwives weren’t around,

there were few to be found;

in all Egypt there were only two.

Exodus 1:15, 19

Strike!

What’s the book of Exodus about?

Why, it’s a labor story, no doubt:

Pharaoh cruelly abused

and exploited the Jews

so they all went on strike and walked out.

Exodus 2–12

No Excuse for Papyrus

That Jochabed did use papyrus

to make an ark for her son Moses

is not a good excuse

for the continued use

of that foul font by the rest of us.

Exodus 2:3

They’ll Take the Credit, but Will they Accept the Blame?

The rulers will take credit, no doubt

for good that happens under their clout:

Pharaoh’s daughter sent her

maid into the river

then made the claim, “I drew Moses out.”

Exodus 2:5, 10

Slow of Speech and Tongue

The flames in the bush were aflutter

when Moses first heard God’s voice utter

the command to go speak,

but Moses said, “I’m weak

and I st- st- st- st-. . . can’t speak well.”

Exodus 3:2; 4:10

First! Or Maybe not. . .

In the time of Adam, so they say,

people began to call on Yahweh,

and right up to Moses,

who wrongly supposes,

he was first to use the name that way.

Exodus 6:2–3; Genesis 4:26; 15:7; 27:20

Do Not Have Sexual Relations with your Father’s Sister

Hey, hey wait! There’s something amiss here:

Amram married his father’s sister,

but by Torah you can’t

copulate with your aunt,

even to conceive Moses, mister!

Exodus 6:20; Leviticus 18:12

Not Helping

Egyptian magicians served their king

by each of the plagues reproducing,

snakes and blood, frogs as well

which caused Pharaoh to yell,

“Dammit, you guys! This isn’t helping!”

Exodus 7:11–12, 22; 8:3

Pull My Finger

It is rare that the phrase is invoked,

but when “the finger of God’s” provoked

lice is formed up from dust,

the law in stone is thrust,

and demons of Beelzebub get poked.

Exodus 8:192; 31:18; Deuteronomy 9:10; Luke 11:19–20

Yam Suph

On this point I’d like to intercede,

make the correction the Bible needs;

in Hebrew it’s Yam Suph,

but a translator’s goof

changed the Sea to Red instead of Reeds.

Exodus 10:19

To Roast or To Boil?

The priestly author insists, madam,

that we roast and not boil the lamb,

but Deuteronomy’s

author quite disagrees,

‘boil it,’ he says, ‘roasting be damned.’

Exodus 12:9; Deuteronomy 16:7

The verb used in Deuteronomy 16:7 is translated in most every other instance as “boiled” but is deliberately changed by some translations to “cooked” or even “roasted” in this verse to bring it into line with the explicit prohibition on boiling the Passover lamb found in Exodus 12: 9. Meanwhile, 2 Chronicles 35: 13 sees King Josiah roasting and boiling the Passover lamb in order to keep both forms of the command, and the Greek Septuagint translation of Deuteronomy 16: 7 has both, “you shall boil and roast and eat it.”

Flesh Pots

Their flight to the desert was complete

but the Hebrews had nothing to eat,

so they wept and they cried,

“If only we had died

in Egypt where we had potted meat!”

Exodus 16:3

Maybe it’s Better not To Know

Manna came at night, but what was it?

No one really knows, we must admit,

but some have suggested

that what was ingested

was the residue of insect spit.

Exodus 16:14–15

That’s What You Call an Anachronism

Israel in Sin was hungry, you bet.

So God fed them with manna, no sweat.

This event they did mark,

putting some in the Ark;

only problem: there weren’t no Ark yet.

Exodus 16:33–34; Exodus 37

Like a Rolling Stone

Rephidim’s rock, so it is written,

followed Israel like a lost kitten;

the rock, as would behove

did pursue out of love

for by Moses it had been smitten.

Exodus 17:1–7

This one is a little complicated to explain but here goes: the Israelites are somewhere near Rephidim which is near Mt. Horeb. They’re thirsty, they complain, God tells Moses to strike the rock there with his staff, and they have water. And Moses names the place, “Meribah.”

Later, after receiving the torah, they leave that place and head to Kadesh (Numbers 20:1–14) where again they are thirsty and complain that they need water. Moses strikes the rock again (a no-no this time) and they have water. And again Moses names the place “Meribah”

This might be an example of one traditional story being told in two different ways, but the Jewish rabbis had a legend that since the rock is named “Meribah” in both places, that it was the same rock and that the rock actually followed the people of Israel from Rephidim to Kadesh.

“And so the well, which was with Israel in the desert, looked like a rock with the size of a sieve, surging and gurgling upward, as from the mouth of this flask, rising with them up on to the mountains and going down with them into the valleys. Wherever the Israelites would encamp, it made camp opposite to them, opposite to the Tent of Meeting.”3

The Apostle Paul apparently knew of this legendary tradition. He draws from the story of the “rolling stone” in his letter to the church at Corinth: where he mentions the spiritual rock that followed them, and then declares that the rock was Christ. (1 Corinthians 10:4)

The People Quarreled with Moses

Moses, you are such a goddamn putz!

Did you lead us out here to kill us

with hunger and with thirst?

Good grief! You are the worst!

If we grouse it’s ‘cause we hate your guts.

Exodus 17:2–4

Moses the Dowser

Moses was a bit of a wowzer,

and before you object, note how sir:

he swung his wooden rod,

as instructed by God,

and struck the rock just like a dowser.

Exodus 17:6

Strike the Rock, Don’t Strike the Rock. . .

In Ex’dus seventeen it’s okay

for Moses to strike the rock, but hey!

In Numbers twenty when

Moses does it again

he’s barred from the Promised Land, oy vey!

Exodus 17:6; Numbers 20:8–12

No One Wants to See That

When you construct an altar for prayers

be certain to build it without stairs.

Ascending you’ll expose

that what’s covered by clothes,

and no one should see your derrières.

Or, even worse, it could be your fates

as you worship with all of your mates

to make a great error

as you go up the stairs

and reveal to the crowd your privates.

Exodus 20:25–26

Some Rules for Happy Polygamy

Say your first wife’s a bit of a bore,

and now you’re looking for something more;

you may take a new wife,

but for all of her life

you must care for the first as before.

Give her the food, and clothing, and rights

just as she had before, with no sleights.

Though you have a new bride,

if the first is denied

she may leave your ass one of these nights.

Exodus 21:10–11

God Loves Artists Best (or at least first. . .)

Of course we know our God will impart

his spirit to fill the human heart,

but the first to be filled

was a man who was skilled

in creating great works of fine art.

Exodus 31:1–6

‘Dat Ass

Moses had but one favor to ask,

“Lord, please let your face before me pass.”

But Yahweh, he declined;

showed aught but his behind.

“Not my face, but I’ll show you my ass.”

Exodus 33:18–23

The Veil of Moses

As Moses came down the mountain trail

God’s glory on his face did prevail.

The people, filled with fear,

were afraid to draw near

and screamed, “Moses, please put on a veil!”

Exodus 34:29–35

2. Or Exodus 8:15 depending on your translation. The verse numbering for chapters 7 and 8 vary.

3. Tosefta Sukkah 3:11