Читать книгу A Ghost's Story - Jenna Lynn Bretz - Страница 7

Professor Liam O’Brien. He was brilliant, and she was captivated. His lectures were passionate. He had a way of bringing politics and poetry together that made her burn for both. It was fascinating to hear him talk about the war in Vietnam. He reminded her of Shakespeare, causing feelings in her to rise that she didn’t know she had. He began to take notice of her after reading the papers she wrote on the war and the current state of the country. He frequented the cafeteria, smiling at her as she inquired on whether he wanted gravy on his mashed potatoes. His sparkling green eyes were made more intense by his strawberry blonde hair. Then one day, after she had finished her shift, he met her at the door of the cafeteria holding a single white rose and a proposal for coffee.

She fell in love quickly, and he was taken by her innocence, her intelligence. She was wonderfully naive. He stared at her as he lectured. She could feel her cheeks burn red under his intense gaze as butterflies churned in her stomach. He would meet her at the cafeteria door at the end of her shifts and take her for long drives through the scenic hills and valleys of Northern California. They would stop and gaze up at the stars, and she would tell him of her plans and dreams. He would stare at her longingly with those unusually green eyes. And she would feel a burning need for him. When he began to touch her, she did not stop him. She welcomed him, needed him. Being in his arms made her feel safe. She had never been kissed like he kissed her, never felt the wave of excitement over her body that came with his touch. Each time he would retreat and hold back, she would feel deeply disappointed that he had not continued his exploration.

One day, after she had finished her shift, he wasn’t at the door waiting. In a panic, she looked around the building and walked up and down the sidewalk searching for him. But he was not to be found. She decided to try his office. And that is where she found him. She entered the room more forcefully than she meant to, causing the door to bang hard against the wall behind it. Startled, he rose from his desk. “Miss Foster, what can I do for you?”

She couldn’t speak. She went to him, caressing his face in her hands. She kissed him hard, driven by the passion that she felt for him. He did not stop her, and she could not stop herself. Her clothes came off easily, she stood before his gaze, shy and embarrassed, naked. He arranged her long hair over her body, then stood back, observing what was before him. “Beautiful, you are so beautiful.”

At that moment, she felt beautiful. He made love to her there in his office. She held him until they fell asleep on his leather sofa. She woke to the first rays of the sunrise coming through the window. He looked like a golden god lying in her arms as the sun illuminated his fiery hair. She gently wiggled her way from beneath him and reached for her clothes. She felt his arms embrace her waist. Once again, his lips were warm against her body. She turned to face him, looking into his eyes. She felt no need to stop him, and again he made love to her.

My mother was floating on air. She arrived early for Professor O’Brien’s lecture, hoping to catch him alone. But he brushed her off. He did not make eye contact with her during his lecture as he had done before. The butterflies that she had once felt in her stomach had now been replaced by a feeling of dread. She waited outside his office, but he did not show. She searched for his car in the faculty parking lot. It was not there. She had no choice but to return to her dorm room. She lay on her bed and cried, asking herself repeatedly, “How could you be so stupid?”

Days turned into weeks. Professor O’Brien continued to avoid her. She felt physically sick. She couldn’t eat or drink. She began missing classes and turning assignments in late. She could not pull herself together. Finally, when she couldn’t take it any longer, she located his address in the phone book and called a cab. She arrived at his apartment building sometime after midnight. It had started to rain heavily. By the time she entered the hallway and stood before his door, she was soaked. She pounded on the door as hard as she could. She had made up her mind that she wasn’t leaving until he opened the door. But after fifteen minutes in the hallway, the only one who opened the door was the old woman down the hall.

“Quiet down, or I will call security!”

My mother slid down to the floor with her back resting against Professor O’Brien’s apartment door and cried herself to sleep.

She felt herself being lifted from the floor, opening her eyes to find Liam carrying her into his apartment. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his chest. Once inside, he began to remove her wet clothes. She consumed him with passionate kisses. She held on to him like he was life itself, fearing that if she let him go, he would disappear. He pulled her away, and she began to cry.

“You shouldn’t be here, Mary.”

“Please, Liam, please don’t make me go.”

He looked down at her. She was so young, so beautiful. He could not resist her. He kissed and groped her violently. He was hurting her. She didn’t care. She was lost in the need for him. Again, they came together and made love more passionately than before. This was the night I was conceived, and her life was forever changed.

My mother was now nineteen and pregnant, although she would not be aware of that for some weeks to come. She was sure that she and Liam would be together forever. Liam said that they would need to wait until finals were over before seeing each other again. She protested, and he insisted. In the end, she could see his logic and agreed to concentrate on her studies. Besides, she really did need to redeem her grades from the last couple of weeks. Classes would be breaking for the holidays, and she would be able to spend every day with Liam until they resumed. This would be the first time that she would not be spending the holidays with her family. But that didn’t matter—now she had Liam.

She couldn’t stop thinking about their new life together. Maybe her parents would forgive her and come to the wedding. Her dad could walk her down the aisle. Maybe she and Liam could get a little house together. She could finish her degree and take a local job. That way, she could be home every evening to make him dinner. She would take good care of him, and he would love her for it. She tried again to focus on her studies.

Finals’ week came and went. She didn’t feel very confident about how she did. But she was excited that now she could be with Liam. So while everyone else paced the hallways waiting for their final grades to be posted, my mother caught a cab to Liam’s.

She stood outside his apartment, once again knocking on the door, feeling more and more uneasy with each passing minute. Once again, a door opened, but it was not Liam’s door. It was the old woman. “He’s not home, young lady. He went out of town for the holiday,” she yelled.

“Are you sure, ma’am? He was expecting me. Are you sure he went out of town?”

“I am sure. I am feeding his fish for him. See, I’ve got the key right here.” The old woman held up the key, swinging it back and forth on her bony index finger.

Overcome by a wave of nausea at the sight of it, my mother ran down the hallway and out the door. Just barely making it outside before losing her lunch. This can’t be happening! He wouldn’t do this to me! she thought to herself. Once she finished retching everything from her stomach, she retrieved a pen from her bag and wrote Liam a note letting him know that she had stopped by and to get a hold of her as soon as he returned.

She went back to her dorm. She was so tired. She lay down on her bed and fell asleep. She woke later that night. Her room was dark and quiet. Most of the students had left for the holiday. She was alone.

The next morning, she took a cab back to Liam’s apartment. The letter she had written was where she had left it. She didn’t bother knocking. She walked all the way back to campus. She spent the next three days in bed. She was sure she had the flu. After all, she had all the symptoms: exhaustion, nausea, and vomiting. She cried herself to sleep, and when she slept, she dreamt of Liam. When she woke, she cried herself to sleep again.

On the third day, she made herself get up and take a shower. She began vomiting again when she tried to brush her teeth. God what is wrong with me? She began to worry that this was more than the flu. She decided to go to the main building and check her final grades. What she found only added to her misery. She had not done well enough to bring up her GPA. She would be placed on academic probation. This would affect her scholarships. She went back to her dorm and spent the rest of the holiday in bed, getting up only to eat, drink, vomit, or relieve herself.

My mother’s roommate was the first to find her. “Oh my god! Mary, are you okay?”

My mother didn’t answer. She was too weak from dehydration. She closed her eyes and went back to sleep. Later, she would awaken in a hospital bed with an IV in her arm. She was too sad to care. Once again, she closed her eyes and went to sleep.

“Miss Foster…Miss Foster…” My mother was awakened by a woman in white. “You need to wake up and try to eat. We gave you something for the nausea, so you should be able to keep it down. Now wake up girl and feed that baby.”

“Baby! What are you talking about?”

“You’re pregnant, my dear! Didn’t you know?”

“No, I didn’t.”

And that was how my mother found out about me. She was both scared and excited. She couldn’t wait to tell Liam. He’d be happy, wouldn’t he?

My mother was released from the hospital the next morning. She was instructed to keep her stomach full to avoid the nausea. The nurses also made her a pregnancy survival bag, filled with packets of just-add-water chicken broth and saltine crackers. She went back to her dorm room and slept all day. She awoke later that night, got up, and took a cab to Liam’s.

She arrived at his apartment and knocked on his door for what would be the last time. This time the door opened. There he was, standing before her. She smiled, feeling brief relief that was soon replaced with an uneasy feeling, like being at a party you weren’t invited to. He did not smile back. “Come in.”

She entered his apartment. “What happened, Liam? I thought we were going to spend Thanksgiving together.”

“I never said that, Mary.”

She thought about it and realized that he had not said that. She had just assumed they would. “Oh, I guess you’re right. I just thought we, that you would want to spend more time together.”

“Mary, this can’t go on. You can’t keep coming here. I am your teacher, you are so young, I could lose my job over this.”

Her head began to spin with the realization that he wasn’t in love with her and that she meant nothing to him. Her nausea returned. “I am such a fool! I have given you everything. I thought you loved me! I thought you wanted me! Why? Why, Liam? Why have you done this to me?” she screamed.

“Stop yelling, Mary! Be a grown-up! I thought you were mature enough to handle this! After all, you pursued me!”

“I pursued you? Why did you wait for me to get off work? Why did we take those long drives? Why did you kiss me?”

“You’re an attractive girl. You’re smart. I enjoyed talking to you. I didn’t expect you to come to my office like you did that day. This is just a big misunderstanding, Mary.”

“I am pregnant, Liam.”

Liam was stunned. He looked as if he had been punched in the stomach. His face turned red, and he began to pace the floor.

“What do you mean you’re pregnant, Mary? You mean a smart girl like you is not on the pill? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to trap me, Mary? How do you know you’re pregnant? Better yet, how do you know it’s mine?”

“It’s yours, Liam. You are the only one.”

“Well then, I will pay for the abortion.”

“No, Liam, I will not end this pregnancy.”

“Well, that’s just perfect, isn’t it, Mary? That’s just great!”

“I am sorry, Liam. I thought you wanted to be with me. I thought you would be happy. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you again.”

“I am sorry too, Mary. I thought you were mature enough to handle an adult relationship. I will do the responsible thing and pay for an abortion. Contact me when you have decided what you are going to do. Until then, I need you to stay away from here, stay away from me. I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and I don’t need you screwing that up for me.”

Liam handed her some cash, opened the door, and directed her out. He shut the door behind her. She dropped the money in the hall and walked away.

She decided she would continue to pursue her goals. She would conceal her pregnancy, and when the time came, she would find a suitable family for her baby.

But her pregnancy was grueling. Her grades continued to decline. The nausea and vomiting never let up. It became very hard for her to maintain her own health. She had no money or insurance for prenatal care. She did the best she could to take care of herself and read every book she could find on pregnancy and how to have a healthy baby. This may seem very irresponsible to some, but I was impressed by her strength, her resolve.

Professor O’Brien wouldn’t even look her way. She had no one to confide in. She often thought about calling her mother but knew that her family would never accept a baby conceived out of wedlock. She was on her own in every sense. She did what she could to separate herself from the life inside her, the little person that moved with such exuberance. But in her heart, she had already begun to love me. So when I was born to my mother on August 13, 1971, at 12:01 a.m. in the ER of the nearest hospital, she took one look at me and my fiery red hair and knew she could not part with me.

Mary Ann Foster walked out of that hospital with her daughter in her arms: me, Juliet O’Brien Foster, and never looked back. She left Berkeley.

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