Читать книгу Welcome to Mills & Boon - Jennifer Rae - Страница 46
ОглавлениеWhen Cassie awoke it was dark outside. She knew she’d been drifting in and out from sleep and wakefulness for several hours. Or was it days? Her head and throat still hurt but she sensed the fever that had taken hold so quickly had mostly left her body.
She pushed back the covers and eased herself into a sitting position. The bedside lamp was on and she heard the gentle hum of the humidifier from somewhere in the room. The digital clock read 6:45 p.m. but she had no idea what day it was. She looked down and noticed the cotton pajamas she wore. They were pale lemon and had silly-looking cats on them. Cassie didn’t remember changing her clothes. Didn’t remember much of anything, really. Only a deep voice that had given her an easy comfort as she’d shifted in and out of sleep, and then someone pressing a glass to her lips so she could have some water. Then she remembered another voice, female and familiar. Lauren. Her friend had been looking after her. Of course, it could only have been Lauren.
Cassie swung her legs off the bed. The house was quiet. Too quiet.
Oliver...
Where was her baby? Panic crept over her skin for a second, and then she realized he must be with her friend. Cassie forced herself to stand, and when her knees wobbled she clutched the bed to get her bearings. Once she had her balance she grabbed her robe from the foot of the bed and pushed her arms into it and tightened the belt. She made a quick bathroom stop and then moved back into the bedroom. The door was open and she made her way across the room as steadily as she could. A light illuminated down the hall and she followed it to the nursery. But the room was empty. The panic returned and quickly seeped deep into her bones. Where were they?
She turned on her bare heels and hurried back down the hall to the kitchen.
Still nothing.
When she reached the living room Cassie came to an abrupt halt in the doorway as relief flooded every pore. Oliver was safe. But he wasn’t with her friend. He was lying blissfully asleep against his uncle’s strong chest.
Tanner was in the recliner, legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles, both hands cradling her sleeping son. He wore jeans and a white tank shirt and his feet were bare. His eyes were closed and his hair flopped over his forehead a little.
Cassie’s belly rolled over as she watched them. In a matter of days she’d witnessed him form a bond with her son that touched her to her very core. It was the bond she’d dreamed Doug would have had with his son. But it wasn’t Doug cradling her child so gently. It wasn’t Doug who’d been so kind to her over the past few days.
Doug was gone.
And Tanner was now in her life. Until he left. Until the house sold and Doug’s estate was sorted. She needed to remember that he was passing through. He was temporary. And once he was gone her life could return to normal. She’d find somewhere to live, go back to work and raise her son...and forget all about Tanner McCord and his sexy smile and broad shoulders.
She looked at him again. His eyes were now open and he was smiling.
“Hey there,” he said softly. “How are you feeling?”
Cassie nodded. Her arms were aching to hold her son, but the thought she might be contagious stopped her from rushing forward. And Oliver looked so peaceful and content resting against Tanner’s chest.
“Okay,” she replied and stepped a little farther into the room. “Weak. I guess I’ve been out of it since yesterday?”
“Pretty much,” he said and pushed up from the chair effortlessly. Oliver didn’t protest, but instead seemed to snuggle closer to his uncle. “He was restless,” Tanner explained and gently touched the baby’s head. “And he seems to like this.”
She smiled warmly. “Thank you for taking care of him.”
Tanner met her gaze. “That’s what family is for, Cassie.”
Her throat tightened. Family. It had been so long since she’d thought she had anyone to call family. With her grandfather’s slide into dementia and Doug’s continued absence from her life even though she’d considered them a couple, Cassie had felt very alone for the past few years. Oliver’s arrival had changed that of course, but he was a baby and needed her 24/7. To have someone to rely upon, to need someone herself, was a different kind of feeling. Not that she needed Tanner. Not at all. But he’d said they were family...and for the moment, while she was feeling so weak and weary, it made her feel a little less alone.
“How about I put him in his crib and then make you some herbal tea?” Tanner suggested quietly.
Cassie nodded. “That would be good.”
Careful not to wake the baby, he slowly got out of the chair and came to stand beside her. Cassie’s heart rolled over when she gazed into the face of her sleeping son and she touched Oliver’s head gently. Glancing up, she saw Tanner watching her with a kind of blistering intensity and the look made her insides quiver. His eyes were dark and hypnotic and she was quickly drawn into his stare. So close, with only Oliver between them, she was more conscious of him than she had ever been of any man in her life. There was a connection between them...a link that had developed over the past few days. And it wasn’t simply about Oliver.
This was something else.
This was physical attraction...pure and simple.
An attraction she’d always been able to ignore. Until now.
“Be back in a minute,” Tanner said, breaking the visual connection.
He left the room and Cassie let out a long breath. There was nothing right or reasonable about her feelings. Nothing she could say to herself that would assuage the heaviness in her heart. He was Doug’s brother so desiring Tanner was out of the question.
He returned about ten minutes later and Cassie was sitting on the sofa, legs curled up, her chin resting in one hand. He came into the room with a tray and placed it on the small table beside the sofa.
“I heated some soup,” he explained and passed her a mug. “You should probably eat something.”
Cassie took the mug of warm broth and smiled. “Thank you. You’ve been very kind.”
He shrugged loosely, as though he was embarrassed by her words. “It’s nothing.”
That wasn’t even halfway to the truth. She managed a wry smile. “Ah...how did I get into these pajamas?”
“Lauren,” he explained. “She was here this morning.”
Cassie nodded a little. “Oh, I don’t remember much of today.”
“Her fiancé checked you out and she organized the medication you needed. She also suggested taking Oliver home with her for the night, but I thought you’d prefer he stay here.”
“I do,” she said quickly, hating the idea of being apart from her baby. “And you stayed?”
He shrugged again. “It seemed like the right thing to do. You were in no condition to look after Oliver last night and today.”
She was tempted to thank him again but sensed it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Instead she sipped the broth and settled back into the sofa. It was strange, she mused, how comfortable she was being around him. She hadn’t expected it. On the two occasions they’d met before she’d always had her guard up, and always felt as though Tanner had, too. But this time was different. There was no one to hide behind. No one to whisper words about how unfriendly and indifferent he was. No one to tell her he was the kind of man who preferred his own company and his horses to having real relationships. Cassie was seeing him without Doug’s bias and prejudice for the first time...and she liked him. A lot.
“So, I guess you should stay tonight, too?”
The intense way he was watching her made it impossible to look anywhere but into his eyes.
“Do you want me to stay?”
Cassie took a second and then nodded. “I think Oliver would like it.”
So would I...
“All right,” he said and watched her over the rim of his coffee mug. “I’ll return to Ruthie’s tomorrow.”
“Thank you.”
Silence stretched between them and Cassie waited for discomfiture to crawl across her skin. When it didn’t come she knew it was because she’d quickly become accustomed to Tanner’s company. Despite how attracted she was to him and despite how much she knew it could never go anywhere, he was easy to be around.
He was, she realized, nothing like the man Doug had so often described.
Instead of being a moody closed-off loner, he was friendly and generous and considerate. And he possessed a laid-back kind of charm she found increasingly difficult to overlook. In the kitchen, the garden or the nursery he did everything with such an easygoing confidence it was impossible to not be attracted to him.
Admit it...you’re also thinking he’d be good in the bedroom...
Cassie shook the thought away. It was stupid. She still loved Doug. And she was a single mother. A soon-to-be homeless single mother who didn’t have time to waste thinking about Tanner in that way. In any way, for that matter. But it had been such a long time since she’d thought about strong arms and a broad chest. And longer still since she’d thought about sex. With anyone.
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay now?” he asked softly.
“Positive,” she lied and managed a smile. “Soup and sleep therapy will work a treat tonight and I will be back to my usual self by tomorrow.”
He nodded. “It’s getting late... You shouldn’t wear yourself out.”
She was touched by his concern. But a part of her wondered if he wanted to shuffle her off to bed so they wouldn’t be alone. He had to know she was attracted to him. And she was pretty sure it was mutual. He obviously thought it a bad idea. Which of course it was.
“So, what are your plans?” she asked. “I mean, once you’ve finishing saving the day here?”
He grinned. “I didn’t realize that’s what I’d been doing.”
“Sure you did,” she said and smiled a little.
He shrugged again. “I have an appointment with Doug’s lawyer on Wednesday. After that I’m not sure. We’ll have to see what the lawyer says.”
We...
As if it was inclusive. As if it had something to do with her. As if...well, almost as if they were a couple.
Cassie silently cursed her foolishness and ignored the flush rising over her collarbones at the thought of the idea. Two days together didn’t make them anything. “I know you said there was no hurry for me to start looking for a new place to live, but I can’t see the sense in putting it off. I could never afford to take on the mortgage here, so the sooner I accept the inevitable, the better.”
* * *
Tanner’s insides contracted. He hated hearing the disappointment and pain in her voice. This was her home. The home she’d made for her son. The home she’d known as a young girl when she’d moved in with her grandfather after her parents had been killed. It had to hurt her. He knew only too well what it was to lose the one place that had made him feel safe when he was a child. He wanted to make it right. But nothing he said would offer her consolation or comfort.
“Like I said, we’ll wait and see what the lawyer has to say.”
She shrugged as though it didn’t matter, but Tanner knew she was resigned to losing her home. And once again he silently cursed his brother. Doug should have provided for Cassie and his son. He should have ensured they had a place to live and were financially secure.
“I think I’ll get some rest,” she murmured as she placed the mug down and stood. “Thank you again for everything you’ve done for Oliver...and for me. I know this probably isn’t what you expected to be doing when you made the decision to return to Crystal Point. I’m very grateful for your concern and kindness.”
Tanner stared at her and a heavy sensation uncurled in his chest. She had a way of doing that to him. It made him feel weak...almost vulnerable. And it gave her a power over him he was certain she didn’t know she possessed.
“Good night, Cassie,” he said and got to his feet. “Let me know if you need anything.”
What I need is a cold shower...
Even in her silly pajamas and nightgown, with her hair mussed and slippers on her feet, she was beautiful and sexy and warmed his blood. No other woman had ever had quite the same effect on his libido. Sure, he’d dated several women over the years...but Cassie Duncan stirred him like no one else ever had. He’d fought it for years, convincing himself that she loved his brother and his own feelings were of little consequence. But sometimes, like the way her blue eyes watched him when she thought he wasn’t looking, Tanner couldn’t help wondering if she regarded him as more than Doug’s brother. More than Oliver’s uncle.
Don’t be an ass.
Of course it was stupid. And wrong. She’d borne his brother’s child. She was clearly still in love with Doug. She’d made it clear that she didn’t really want him in her life.
So get moving and take that cold shower.
“Good night,” he said again, firmer this time so he could galvanize himself into action and get away from her. “I’ll lock up.”
She nodded and left the room. Once he was alone Tanner let out a long breath, flicked off the lights and waited until he heard her bedroom door close before he walked from the room and checked that all the windows and doors were locked around the house. Once he was done he moved down the hallway and headed for the bathroom. He took a shower and turned in around nine, spending the next couple of hours staring at the ceiling in between getting up to check on Oliver. By midnight he’d had enough. He pulled on jeans and a shirt and made his way to the kitchen.
A soft glow illuminated down the hall and when he rounded the doorway he noticed the light above the stovetop was on. Cassie was sitting at the kitchen table, a mug cradled between her hands. She’d changed into gray sweats and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail.
“Hey,” he said easily, despite the inexplicable tightness that filled his chest. “Couldn’t sleep?”
She shook her head. “No. You?”
Tanner nodded and remained in the doorway. “Lingering jet lag, I guess.”
“And with looking after Oliver you haven’t exactly had a chance to sleep it off, right?”
He shrugged. “It’ll work itself out. You, on the other hand, should be resting.”
“I think I’ve slept enough for both of us,” she said through a brittle smile. “I had a shower to freshen up and didn’t feel tired, so I thought I’d have some green tea and sit for a while,” she said and sighed. “I was thinking about Doug.”
Of course she was. Tanner didn’t doubt that his brother was on her mind most days and nights. “Then I’ll leave you—”
“Do you know the details about what happened?” she asked unexpectedly, cutting him off.
Tanner stilled. “Details?”
“About the incident.”
“You mean how he was killed?” he queried.
She nodded. “You’re his official next of kin so I figured you had the details. I know he was on some covert mission and that he and two other members of his squad were killed by a sniper...but that’s all I know. Since I wasn’t listed as family it’s been almost impossible to get information. I know you got the army to forward his belongings here, but did you know this house wasn’t even listed as his place of residence? Instead it’s some post office box I didn’t know existed and don’t even have a key for. And there’s a safety deposit box, too, did you know that? I don’t have access to it, of course. But I’m guessing you will.”
Tanner didn’t respond. He didn’t want to say anything about the safety deposit box until he’d had a chance to go through the contents himself. He certainly hadn’t suspected that Cassie knew about it. Doug’s lawyer had told him about it along with the details of his will.
“I’ll see what I can find out,” he said vaguely. “There’s also the matter of Doug’s military pension. I’m sure there’ll be some money available for you and—”
She waved a hand and frowned. “I don’t want any kind of handout,” she said and cut him off again. “And I intend to go back to work when my maternity leave is up.”
“And Oliver?” Tanner asked as he walked behind the kitchen counter and grabbed a mug. “What are your plans for him?”
“Day care,” she said. “Which is the option of most working single mothers. There’s a good day care center not far from the hospital where I work.”
“But if there’s money available you could—”
“No,” she said, interrupting him once again. “Doug obviously wanted his estate to go to you. I can’t and won’t challenge his wishes.”
Tanner wasn’t sure whether she was being altruistic or just foolishly naive. “It’s not that simple.”
“Yes,” she defied. “It is.”
He flicked on one of the lights and then rested his hands on the counter. “Oliver is Doug’s son. Which makes him the beneficiary of my brother’s estate. And also the recipient of any benefit that may come about from the years Doug spent defending this country. I won’t argue, Cassie. Not on this issue. You can look at me with those beautiful, big, blue eyes all you want...but I won’t change my mind on this.”
She stilled suddenly, watching him as a tiny half smile creased the corner of her mouth. “You think I have beautiful eyes?”
Damn...
Tanner ignored the way his heart thundered in his chest and shrugged as casually as he could. “Well, I’m not blind.” He stopped, thinking he shouldn’t say anything else. But good sense didn’t prevail. “And you’re very...pretty.”
She laughed softly and raised both brows. “I’ve always thought I was kind of average.”
Tanner frowned. Average? There was nothing average about Cassandra Duncan. “You’re not serious?”
“Perfectly,” she replied. “Doug said I—”
“Doug was an ass.”
She laughed again and the delicate sound echoed around the room. “Really?”
“I meant that he—”
“He did have some ass-like qualities I suppose,” she said and grinned. “But then, no one is perfect, right?”
Except for you...
Tanner pulled himself back from saying anything stupid. Or rather, something even more stupid. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Are you referring to criticizing Doug or complimenting me?”
Was she being deliberately provocative? Tanner couldn’t tell. He knew so little about her. Her moods, her thoughts...they were a mystery to him and he knew it needed to stay that way. “Both.”
She sipped the tea and then placed the mug on the table. “Well, what’s a little harmless flirting? It doesn’t—”
“Is that what we’re doing?” he asked quickly, fighting the heat climbing over his skin.
She gave a brittle laugh. “I’m not sure what we’re doing. I’m not sure what you’re doing.”
Going slowly out of my mind...that’s what.
Tanner straightened. “You know why I’m here.”
“I know what you came here to do,” she said quietly. “I’m still not sure why.”
“Does it matter?” he asked, reluctant to say too much. “For Oliver, like I said.”
“And to sort out Doug’s estate,” she added, watching him closely, as if she was looking for answers in his expression. “When we both know you could have done that through lawyers. The house needs to be sold. There’s no money left to speak of other than a possible military pension. So if this is all about Oliver, if my son is the real reason you’ve come all this way, I want to know why. I want to know why family is so important to you, when it didn’t seem to matter one way or another when Doug was alive.”
There was strength in her voice and a kind of unexpected determination to get answers. She was annoyed. And she wasn’t hiding it.
“Okay,” he said on a long breath. “The truth is, I don’t want Oliver to feel...abandoned.”
Her gaze sharpened. “Like you were, you mean?”
“Exactly.”
She nodded a little. “But Oliver has me. He’s not alone. And I’m not about to shuffle him off to boarding school when he’s of age. And although I do appreciate that you want to have a relationship with your nephew, Tanner, I can’t see how it will be sustainable once you’re back in South Dakota. A part of me is reluctant to let him get attached to you when I know you’ll be leaving soon. I know he’s only a baby, but he’s already bonded with you and I—”
“I intend to come back and see him when I can,” Tanner explained, hating all her relentless logic.
Her brows came up. “Like you saw Doug? Once every couple of years? Tell me, how often did Doug visit you when you were at boarding school?”
“Not often.”
She shrugged. “I can’t see this being any different.”
“I’m not Doug,” Tanner said. “And if his son—my nephew—ever needs me, then I’ll be there.”
She looked into her mug for a moment and then lifted her gaze. “It’s a nice idea and I guess only time will tell. But have you considered what will happen when you get married and have a family of your own?” Her eyes were questioning. “You do plan to do that, don’t you?”
His insides burned. “At some point.”
“Do you really think you’ll have the time or inclination to nurture a relationship with Oliver when that happens?”
“I won’t abandon him.”
“You can’t take Doug’s place in his life.”
Tanner gripped the counter. “It hadn’t occurred to me to try.”
Her brows came up again. “Are you sure? You seem to have ridden in on your proverbial white horse. I’m not saying that I’m not...grateful. I am. Especially with being sick these past couple of days. But it’s not your job to look after us. And frankly, I don’t want to take advantage of your...generosity.”
“You’re not,” he assured her. “I’m here because I want to be here. I mean, with Oliver. I made a promise and I intend to stick to it. Doug would want me to make sure his son was provided for.”
It wasn’t exactly the truth. Since Doug hadn’t any plans to claim the child he’d fathered or the woman who’d loved him.
She inhaled heavily. “I hardly saw him, you know... I mean, in the last twelve months before he was killed. He returned for about a week, but he was restless...like he didn’t want to be here. Like he was waiting to get back to his other life.” She shrugged. “That was the week Oliver was conceived. And it was the last time I saw Doug.”
Tanner remembered that visit. Doug had called him, complaining about how Cassie was pushing for commitment and how he wanted out of the relationship. He’d talked his brother out of doing something rash, but three months later Doug called again...and this time he wasn’t going to be swayed. Cassie was pregnant. He didn’t want commitment. He didn’t want fatherhood. He didn’t want to be tied down to a life he wasn’t suited for. Tragically, by paying the ultimate sacrifice for his country, his brother had gotten the freedom he’d craved.
Tanner wanted to tell her that Doug would have come home to claim his family. He wanted to tell her that she would have had the happy-ever-after she deserved. But he couldn’t. Because it wasn’t anywhere near the truth. Doug had been a fine soldier, but in his personal life he’d repeatedly left wreckage in his wake.
“I’m sorry it didn’t turn out the way you were hoping it would.”
She gave a derisive laugh. “He told you, I suppose, that I had brought up the subject of marriage.”
Tanner nodded. “Yes.”
“He said we’d talk about it when he got back. Only, he never did get back. And we never talked.”
“Some people just aren’t the marrying kind, I guess.”
Her eyes widened. “So you don’t think he would have married me and settled down?”
Realizing he might have said too much, Tanner backpedaled. “It doesn’t really matter what I think.”
“But Doug talked to you,” she persisted. “And he obviously told you how he felt about the baby coming.”
“He was surprised,” Tanner said too casually. “And in a war zone. I don’t imagine he had the chance to absorb much of anything at the time.”
“I suppose. I only wish... I wish that he’d met Oliver...that he’d had a chance to know this perfectly beautiful baby and hold him just once. I’m sure if he had he would have...he would have felt like I do.”
Tanner wasn’t so sure. But he didn’t say anything. Because her blue eyes were now glistening brightly and her tremulous voice echoed around the room. She dropped her face into her hands for a moment and sighed heavily. Seeing her sudden anguish, he walked around the counter and moved closer. She looked up to meet his gaze and within seconds there were tears on her cheeks.
Without a word he sat down and reached for her hands, taking them gently within his own. She didn’t protest. She didn’t move. The only sound in the room was the faint tick from the clock on the wall and the gentle hum of the refrigerator. And she wept. Not racking, uncontrolled sobs, but quietly, with restraint and a calm kind of dignity.
As he held her hands and felt the connection of her skin against his own, a tide of long-buried feelings rose up and hit him squarely in the solar plexus. He pushed them back, willing them away with all his strength because he knew they were futile.
“I’m sorry... I don’t know what’s come over me,” she said, still crying.
Tanner squeezed her fingers gently. “You’re tired, you’ve been ill and you’re grieving, Cassie. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Tears trailed down her cheeks and he fought the impulse to wipe them away. He wanted to take her in his arms and console her. But he wouldn’t.
“The more time that goes by, the less I feel I knew him,” she said shakily. “It’s like there’s this wall of disconnect that keeps getter wider with each day that passes. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’ll forget what he was like and I won’t be able to tell Oliver about his father.”
“That won’t happen,” Tanner assured her and gently rubbed her fingers. “We both knew Doug... We can both tell his son the kind of man he was. How he was brave and fought for his country. How he could make people laugh with his lame jokes. How, even when we were mad as hell with him, we couldn’t help loving him.”
She nodded and looked at their hands. Still linked. Still connected. And making his heart beat faster with each passing second. He met her gaze and sucked in a sharp breath when he noticed her lips part fractionally. He knew it was an unintentional invitation, but it was an invitation all the same and the very notion of her lips against his made his skin burn.
He wanted to kiss her. Just as he had all those years ago. He wanted to hold her, as he’d imagined countless times since.
But this was Cassie...the woman who’d borne his brother’s child. She’d loved Doug. Just like Leah. And he wasn’t about to let his heart get smashed.
Not ever again.
No matter how much he was tempted.
