Читать книгу Great Sporting Wisdom: Legendary Quotes from the World of Sport - John Scally - Страница 9
ОглавлениеAnyone who loses sleep worrying about the meaning of life will not seek answers among baseball practitioners. But to those who love the game, baseball is the meaning of life. For lovers of the absurd, outrageous and totally bizarre, this selection of sporting quotes could make the proverbial cat laugh. A pot pourri of double entendres, satirical quips and unintentional puns from the tongues of a sporting elite. Reading pleasure for the mischievous and warped.
1. The All-American Game
Hype
Calling it the World Series must impress the world as an example of America’s modesty.
Anon
Run That By Me Again
No wonder nobody comes here [a crowded New York restaurant] to eat – it’s too crowded.
Yogi Berra, New York Yankees
Lords and Masters
Baseball must be a great game to survive the people who run it.
Arthur Daley, sportswriter
Parental Control
I think Little League is all right: it keeps the parents off the street.
Rocky Bridges, Minor League manager
You Don’t Say
[Orel] Hershiser is the only Major League player to have two consecutive pronouns in his surname.
Roger Angell, sportswriter
Descent of the Apes
‘Babe’ Ruth wasn’t born – the sonofabitch fell from a tree.
Joe Duggan, New York Yankees
Ruth
The Ruth is mighty and shall prevail.
Heywood Broun
Crowd Puller
Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
Jerry Coleman, (in)famous commentator
Billy the Kid
A baseball fan has the digestive apparatus of a billy goat. He can – and does – devour any set of diamond statistics with insatiable appetite and then nuzzles hungrily for more.
Arthur Daley
Speed
The Mets [baseball team] has come along slow, but fast!
Casey Stengel
Beauty and the Beast
1. It’s no fun being married to an electric light.
Joe DiMaggio on his marriage to Marilyn Monroe
2. I don’t know if it’s good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto!
Yogi Berra on the marriage
3. Why marry a ball player when you can have the whole team?
Mae West on the marriage
4. It proves that no man can be a success in two national pastimes.
Oscar Levant on the break-up of the marriage
The Demon Drink
Two of the pall-bearers at Babe Ruth’s funeral in August 1948 were teammates – pitcher Waite Hoyt (himself an alcoholic) and Third Baseman Joe Duggan. As they carried out their duties, Duggan whispered: ‘I’d give $100 for a cold beer’. Hoyt replied: ‘So would the Babe.’
Back to Basics
When all is said and done, sexual intercourse is the only thing worth a fuck.
Casey Stengel attributed
Night and Day
Los Angeles is a town where you can watch night baseball almost any afternoon.
Anon
Business and Pleasure
A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.
William Feather, publisher
What A Waste?
After spending four years as a college star, he was a failure at pro baseball. In fact, all he had to show for it was an education.
Anon
Patriotism
I take a national view of the American League and an American view of the National League.
Hubert Humphrey, former US Vice-President
Home Advantage
The good thing about playing for Cleveland that is you don’t have to make road trips there.
Jay Johnstone, Cleveland Indians
Shorts
Ballet is the fairies’ baseball.
Oscar Levant, humourist
COD
How does he want it? Cash or green stamps?
Billy Martin, New York Yankees, when told he was facing a $1 million lawsuit
Results
There are no prizes for winning the first half.
Steve Rogers, sportswriter
Absolutely Fabulous
We’ve got an absolutely perfect day here at Desert Sun Stadium, and we’re told it’s going to be an even more perfect day tomorrow.
Jerry Coleman
Speaking Proper
Old Diz knows the King’s English. And not only that. I also know the Queen is English.
Dizzy Dean, (in)famous commentator
The Final Nail In The Coffin
The only real way you know you’ve been fired, is when you arrive at the ball park and find your name has been scratched from the parking list.
Billy Martin
Narcissism
[Charlie O.] Finley is a self-made man who worships his creator.
Jim Murray, sportswriter
Mixed Blessing
The advantage of playing in New York is in getting to watch Reggie Jackson play every day. And the disadvantage is in getting to watch Reggie Jackson play every day.
Craig Nettles, New York Yankees
Not Like The Military
Close doesn’t count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades.
Frank Robinson, Baltimore Orioles
The Man In The Middle
Pity the woman who marries a baseball umpire and has to have a man around the house who is always right.
Anon
To Russia With Love
You must give the Russians credit, they haven’t claimed yet that they invented baseball.
Ian Rosenberg, humourist
Distinguished Performer
If you come down to Ebbets Field today, you won’t have any trouble recognising me. My number is 42.
Jackie Robinson to his wife, before becoming the first Afro-American player in the Major League
A Thankless Task
It’s like being the president of the Flat Earth Society.
Don Smallwood, the President of the British Baseball Federation on the low interest in the sport in the UK
Envy
There’s two kinds of ball players – prospects and suspects. And suspects don’t like prospects.
Anon
Women Trouble
There is no reason why the infield should not try to put the batter off his stride at the critical moment, by neatly-timed disparagements of his wife’s fidelity and his mother’s respectability.
George Bernard Shaw
2. Players
Persistence
If you don’t succeed at first, try second base.
Anon
Up To Standard
Who said I have no standards? ‘Course I have standards! They may be very low, but at least I have them.
Yogi Berra
Line Dancing
All right, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
Diagnosis
From the way Denny’s shaking his head, he’s either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye.
Jerry Coleman
High Scoring
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Henry ‘Hank’ Aaron, Atlanta Braves
Slow Motion
[Stu] Miller has three speeds – slow, slower and slowest.
Anon
On The Crest Of A Slump
Slumps are like a soft bed – they’re easy to get into, and hard to get out of.
Johnny Bench, Cincinnatti Reds
Penetrating Analysis
If the people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s gonna stop them.
Yogi Berra
Legs
Who says I treat women badly? Nonsense, I put them on pedestals. It’s much easier to look up their skirts that way.
Babe Ruth attributed
Divine Providence
The good Lord was good to me. He gave me a strong body, a strong right arm and a weak mind.
Jay ‘Dizzy’ Dean, player & sportscaster
Heads Will Roll
There’s a fly ball back to centre field. Winfield is going back, back… He hits his head against the wall. It’s rolling back towards second base.
Jerry Coleman
Covert Operations
Throwing a fastball by Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.
Curt Simmons, Philadelphia Phillies
Highlight Of The Year
Young Frank Pastore may have just pitched the biggest victory of 1979, maybe the biggest victory of the year.
Jerry Coleman
Educating Yogi
You can observe a lot just by watching.
Yogi Berra
Touch Wood
No, I’m not superstitious. I’m afraid it would bring me bad luck.
Babe Ruth
Gratitude
I want to thank everybody who made this night necessary.
Yogi on ‘Yogi Berra Night’
Track Record
Rollie Fingers has 35 saves and has a better record than John the Baptist.
Lon Simmons, sportscaster
Plaudits
I couldn’t have done half of it [his triumphs] without the players.
Casey Stengel
Percentage Game
Ninety per cent of this game is half-mental.
Jim Wohlford, Milwaukee Brewers
Pretty Woman
A woman to me can be attractive, just by saying yes.
Babe Ruth attributed
Double Trouble
He slides into second with a stand-up double.
Jerry Coleman
Out-standing
A baseball team doesn’t run out of time, it runs out of outs.
Robert Gensemer, sportswriter
Sweet Memories
A great catch is just like watching girls go by – the last one you saw is always the prettiest.
Bob Gibson, St Louis Cardinals
Wage Packet
A homer a day will boost my pay.
Josh Gibson, famous Afro-American league baseball player
Labelling
In a way, an umpire is like a woman. He makes quick decisions, never reverses them and doesn’t think you’re safe when you’re out.
Umpire Larry Goetz
Race Relations
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It’s the only time we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
Dick Gregory, comedian
Mixed Blessing
Patience, that’s what an older pitcher has that a younger pitcher doesn’t … The only trouble is, when you’re old, other people sometimes tend to lose patience with you quicker.
Tommy John, New York Yankees
Room Mate
I don’t room with Babe Ruth, I room with his suitcase.
Ping Bodie, New York Yankees
Nothing But The Truth?
I’m not old, I was just born before a lot of other people.
Darrell Evans
Foreign Tongues
Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Herrandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?
Jerry Coleman
Victory and Loss
Somebody’s gotta win and somebody’s gotta lose – and I believe in letting the other guy lose.
Pete Rose, Cincinnatti Reds and Philadelphia Phillies
Reversal of Fortune
Garry Maddox has turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.
Harry Kalas, Phillies announcer
Marriage Guidance
When you win you eat better, sleep better and your beer tastes better. And your wife looks like Gina Lollobrigida.
Johnny Pesky, Boston Red Sox manager
Count Up
That’s Hendricks’ 19th home run; one more and he hits double figures.
Jerry Coleman
Tight Fit
Watching Ferando Valenzuela force himself into a Dodger uniform is like seeing Kate Smith struggling to fit into a pair of Brooke Shields’ designer jeans.
H. G. Reza, sportswriter
Mystery Woman
Who is this ‘Babe’ Ruth? And what does she do?
George Bernard Shaw
Sound Not Vision
Blind people come to the park just to hear Tom Seaver pitch.
Reggie Jackson, New York Yankees
Grandma
Only if she was crowding the plate.
Early Wynn, Cleveland Indians, when asked if he’d throw ‘at’ his grandmother
Mixed Messages
We’re all sad to see Glen Beckert leave. Before he goes, though, I hope he stops by so we can kiss him goodbye. He’s that kind of guy.
Jerry Coleman
3. Media Moments
Time Zone
The way he’s swinging the bat, he won’t get a hit until the 20th Century.
Jerry Coleman, referring to Dave Roberts
Medical News
X-rays of Dean’s head show nothing.
Newspaper headline
Time Zone
It’s a beautiful day for a night game.
Frankie Frisch, St Louis Cardinals
Identity Crisis
I don’t think so. What paper does he write for?
Yogi Berra, when asked if he knew Ernest Hemingway, the writer
Against All Odds
Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.
Gerald Ford
Educational Problems
At the end of six innings’ play, it’s Montreal 5, the Expos 3.
Jerry Coleman
Numerical Disadvantage
There’s someone warming up in the bull-pen, but he’s obscured by his number.
Jerry Coleman
Iceberg
He [Charlie O. Finley] is so cold-blooded, he ought to make anti-freeze adverts.
Reggie Jackson
It Doesn’t Add Up
The Pirates won eight of their 102 losses against the Mets last year.
Ralph Kiner, Pittsburgh Pirates
Papal Bull
Well, that kind of puts the damper on even a Yankee win!
Phil Rizutto – Yankee announcer after announcing the death of Pope Paul VI
Misunderstanding
I remember a reporter asking for a quote, and I didn’t know what a quote was. I thought it was some kind of drink.
Joe DiMaggio
Like Father…
Where do folks get off criticising my grammar? I only went up to the second grade, and if I’d gone up to the third, I’d have passed my Old Man.
Dizzy Dean
Dizzy Diet
Sure, I eat what I advertise. Sure, I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can’t be beat.
Dizzy Dean
Dizzyspeak
During a TV commentary: He slud into second.
After his grammar was faulted: What should I have said – sludded?
Dizzy Dean
Muckspreader
You could plant two thousand rows of corn with the fertiliser [Tommy] LaSorda spreads around.
Joe Garagiola, TV commentator
Beyond The Grave
If Casey Stengel were alive today, he’d be spinning in his grave.
Ralph Kiner
