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Welcome to our first role-play. Role-playing is a vital part of understanding relationships and can be a great tool to unlock the door to the mystery of happiness. The role-plays that I have created are all for two players, usually a man and a woman although at the time of writing I am in talks with my publishers about a gay role-play. More news on that when I have it, but don’t hold your breath …

The role-plays will occur at the end of each step and will serve as an opportunity to recap on what we’ve (you’ve) just learnt, allowing us (you) to almost experience the emotions, feelings and frustrations expressed in the chapter, viewing them from your own unique perspective. One slight word of warning though: role-plays are traditionally best when acted out by more than one person. The very fact that you are reading this book suggests there is every chance that you are on your own. If this is the case, don’t despair (any more than you already do about everything else in your life). If you have been separated for any length of time you will now be the proud owner of the greatest gift that solitude can bring, that is A VIVID IMAGINATION. Now is your opportunity to reap the harvest of endless days picturing dates, times, scenarios and, most importantly third parties. So, curtain up, lights, cameras… ACTION!

The Roles: Brad, 39, tall, tanned, good-looking tennis pro. You are a happy, easy-going man, proud father of two small boys, the apples of your eye. You spend much of your time, when not on the court, looking after your little smashers and getting the house ready for your wife, Jennifer.

Jennifer, you are 38, an attractive busty woman who can be misunderstood as being somewhat sharp tempered but are, in fact, deep down a warm, caring, lovely individual.

The Scenario: Home.

Jennifer has been coming home later and later every night for the last month, she smells of cigarettes and alcohol and is secretive about the text messages she receives in the early hours of the morning. You are woken by the sound of her falling into the bedroom at 3 a.m.

This role-play shows the moment when both players realize that something isn’t right.

N.B. The role-playing is multiple choice! You may be trying this exercise on your own; if that is the case it’s a good idea to denote the different characters within the role-play clearly and concisely. One way is this: for Brad sit down, for Jennifer, stand up, puff out your chest and loom over Brad.

BRAD Hello, love, where have you been? I have suspicions regarding your recent behaviour.

JENNIFER What?

BRAD I said, “Where have you been? I have suspicions regarding your recent behaviour.”

JENNNIFER Are you talking to me?

BRAD Yes.

JENNIFER What?

BRAD What?

JENNIFER What did you say?

BRAD I said, “What?”

JENNIFER No, before that …

BRAD I said, “Yes.”

JENNIFER No, before that …

BRAD I said I have suspicions about your recent behaviour.

JENNIFER Brad, for heaven’s sake, you have to believe me. I love you and I always will …

OK, so far so good, but this is the crucial stage, the turning point in the role-play, the moment at which the relationship could go either way. So how do you respond to Jennifer? What is your reaction? Do you believe her and pledge to start again, putting the past and all the distrust behind you once and for all? Or do you stand firm in your belief that she’s a bit of a hussy and not to be trusted? I’ve set out three possible responses, each taking a different emotional and psychological standpoint; which would you choose? Would you say …

1 What the hell are you talking about? I can’t believe you, I won’t believe you and I don’t believe you! You’re a busty charlatan, a floozy and a tramp! My mother was right, I should never have married you! Get out of the bedroom, get out of the house, get out of my life!

2 We need to talk over our problems in an adult, responsible manner. I’ve made an appointment with a relationship therapist for us both on Thursday night.

3 Have we got any milk?

Which did you choose? What do you think your choice says about you? I would like to be able to help you at this stage but of course it’s impossible for me to know which of the three options you chose. That’s a shame because I think this would be a wonderful opportunity for learning together. I did talk to my publishers about trying to develop an interactive element to the book, a Big Brother phone vote, a Who Wants to be a Millionaire “Press your buttons now!” moment or at the very least the big red and green pepper cards from Ready, Steady, Cook. Alas it wasn’t to be. We did work together for a while on some mini pepper cards but it was felt that they might lend the book a “novelty” feel that could work against us in the long run. We could end up looking like the sort of book you’d find in your stocking at Christmas and not, as I hope, a book that you’d find in the Academic section of the bookshop and one that will in the fullness of time be added to the National Curriculum.

NOW I KNOW

* The Welsh are happier than the Scots.

* You can sometimes judge a book by its cover.

* Uncle Gethyn found happiness in Guildford.

ANSWER TO WEDDING DAY QUIZ: I don’t know! I’ve got absolutely no idea, none whatsoever. I got the pictures off the Internet. It’s a mystery, an absolute mystery but that’s my point! The Mystery of Marriage… there is NO WAY ON EARTH of predicting who will stay together and who will split up.

^[1] I should point out that I’m not what you’d call a theatregoer. “What do I mean by that?” I mean that I don’t go to the theatre. I’m not a culture vulture and I would never claim to be one. Apart from Sinderella, one of the last things I saw at the theatre was a wonderful production of Babes in the Wood, the pantomime, in Cardiff. I took my two little smashers Rhys and Alyn along and we had a whale of a time. The show starred Lesley Grantham and Vicki Michelle, a top notch cast, and was in the days before Lesley’s internet pornography shame when the only shadow on his character was the business with the taxi driver. I always remember the show because I was wearing a ski jacket of all things! I’m not a skier, I would never say I was, but I’d bought this one second hand in a Sue Ryder shop. It was what I call a “puffer” style jacket in a very vivid purple, there was a tear on one arm, just below a sewn-on fabric patch that read, “VALMOREL ‘95”. I was never sure whether it had come from a skier who was disillusioned with skiing after an accident (hence the tear) or whether he was just fashion conscious and deemed it to be a bit “last year”. I never got to the bottom of it and to this day am none the wiser. Anyway, the point is I forgot to take the jacket off before the show started and was very hot indeed as basically I was dressed for Alpine conditions. We were sitting in “the Gods”, the highest part of the theatre, and I was sweating cobs; I wish you could have seen it, it was unbelievable. At one point Vicki Michelle came out and started to throw chocolates to the kids, a lovely gesture though not quite as generous as it first seems when you consider that the show was sponsored by Cadburys. Rhys and Alyn were egging me on to try and catch some confectionery so I stood up to get a better chance when I was hit in the eye by an Animal Bar. It was quite painful and gave me what doctors call temporary blindness. Nonetheless I did manage to drive home with no damage to flesh or bone, though we did lose a nearside wing mirror.

^[2] Gethyn, an avid Beatles fan, worked for Cardiff City Council and organized a trip to Hamburg, birthplace of The Beatles (but surprisingly, not the hamburger!) on council business. He was thrilled that he would finally walk in the footsteps of his heroes, having already visited Liverpool and had his photograph taken by the “Penny Lane” road sign and walked past the Dakota Building in New York during a Fly Drive in America. The trip itself was a great success and Gethyn received all the plaudits; we’d never seen him happier. Three months later he was charged and found guilty of misappropriation of council funds and sentenced to eighteen months in prison, although he only served nine of those on account of his good behaviour. (He is credited with implementing the Dewey Decimal System in the Prison Library and introducing the Governor to Gilbert and Sullivan.) On his release his marriage crumbled and he lost his job. Five years later he has remarried, lives in Guildford, and drives an Audi. It never rains …