Читать книгу Your Journey to Success: How to Accept the Answers You Discover Along the Way - Kenny Weiss - Страница 23

CHAPTERTHREE

TRAUMA = LOSS OF CONNECTION

In his book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, Peter Levine shed new light on the topic of trauma when it was published in 1977. Today, it is considered a classic. He wrote,

Trauma is a basic rupture—loss of connection—to ourselves, our families, and the world. The loss, although enormous, is difficult to appreciate because it happens gradually. We adjust to these slight changes, sometimes without taking notice of them at all. Contrary to the view of psychiatric medicine—that trauma is basically untreatable and only marginally controllable by drugs—when treated thoroughly, healing can lead not only to symptom reduction, but long-term transformation.”

Author and therapist Levine viewed trauma as a fact of life, but not a life sentence. It’s not a life sentence unless we don’t address it. As we attempt to move away from reliving our worst day and reach for our best day, it’s necessary to explore not only our childhood but additional trauma we’ve endured throughout our life.

We all experience different kinds of traumas—some are big and some are small. For instance, whenever I got in trouble as a child, my dad would call me “Kenneth.” Because no one taught him how to parent without shame, more often than not he used shame to discipline me. Just hearing someone say my full name triggers all those old feelings. That is trauma. All traumas share a common thread—they make us feel bad, scared, ashamed, or hurt but mostly powerless. It’s the feeling we had while the trauma happened, not the actual event or incident, that keeps us stuck. Until we reconcile that feeling, we’ll continue living in one of our worst days and retraumatize ourselves. For some of us, it may feel like we are in the movie Groundhog Day where we keep repeating the same day. The good news is this does not have to be a life sentence; there’s a solution and it’s all contained in working through and becoming an expert on our Worst Day Cycle. In the following chapters, we’ll dissect the Worst Day Cycle and reveal the significance of trauma, fear, shame, and denial and how they are intertwined. Unresolved trauma plays a key role in how we interact with ourselves and the world.

The Worst Day Cycle

Being trapped in the Worst Day Cycle can be suffocating. It’s time to fight to get our authentic self and power back. The first step is to admit the event(s) that initially got us into this cycle. For some of us this can be challenging, as we don’t recall what happened; for others it can be painful as we can’t forget what happened. Ask yourself the following questions to find out if you are stuck in the Worst Day Cycle:

•Do you find yourself blaming others?

•Are you repeatedly the victim?

•Do you feel guilty when you say no to someone?

•Do you feel like things have to be perfect?

•Do you have to be right most of the time?

•Do you offer advice when not asked, especially to your adult children?

•Do you feel guilty pursuing your own life and not being there for your parents?

•Do you have difficulty sitting still? Do you always have to be doing something?

•Do you have chronic health issues?

•Are you performing below what you are capable of?

•Are you stuck in a job or relationship that isn’t working?

If you responded yes, it’s a clear sign that you have unresolved trauma issues and are stuck in the Worst Day Cycle.

Just What Is Trauma and How Common Is It?

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) describes individual trauma as resulting from “an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional or spiritual well-being.” In the 2011 publication Helping Children and Youth Who Have Experienced Traumatic Events, SAMHSA states:

•60 percent of adults report experiencing abuse or other difficult family circumstances during childhood.

•27 percent of children in the United States will witness or experience a traumatic event before they turn age four.

•Four of every ten children in America say they experienced a physical assault during the past year, with one in ten receiving an assault-related injury.

•More than 60 percent of youth aged seventeen and younger have been exposed to crime, violence, and abuse either directly or indirectly.

Both big and small traumas can result in posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Research shows that traumatic experiences affect our behavioral health, too. You don’t have to be diagnosed with PTSD to experience fallout from trauma. According to SAMHSA, people who have experienced trauma are fifteen times more likely to attempt suicide, four times more likely to become an alcoholic, four times more likely to inject drugs, three times more likely to experience depression, and two times more likely to have a serious financial problem.

Addressing Trauma Takes Courage

Without a doubt, it takes courage to address our trauma. When we were first traumatized, we were the victim. The trauma happened to us—we weren’t responsible for it. In my experience, there are two ways people deal with and deny their trauma.

1.We appear to be successful and strong when we are generally the weakest and hurt. The typical type-A personality is always on the go and use fear, anger, and shame as a propellant. But just like the rocket boosters on the space shuttle, it is a finite power source and it eventually explodes. This go-getter can be tougher to treat because they usually have accumulated “things,” such as wealth and status. They use those outward signs of success as proof they must be okay. They keep themselves incredibly busy so they never have to feel. Like Forrest Gump, they are continually running. And because they never stop, they never have to address what they are running from or even fully realize that they are running. They can always point back to their degrees, title, or portfolios and say, “This doesn’t apply to me. Look how successful I am; I haven’t experienced trauma; I’m not in denial.”

2.The ACE Study shows that almost all injury, disease, and illness is the by-product of unhealed feelings and emotions related to adverse childhood experiences. People have learned to get their power back by becoming sick or a victim. They continually are in situations where it seems everyone and everything is against them. The good news is that because this route of dealing with trauma is so feeling-oriented, they tend to have an easier time facing their denial. That is in part because they primarily suffered abandonment as children, so they are more open and desperate for connection.

In general, most people deal with or deny their trauma in both these ways, at least in part. Neither way is better or worse than the other. Using one approach, we try to overcome our Worst Day Cycle from the one-up or better-than position; using the other method, we try to escape from the one-down or less-than position.

The Many Faces of Trauma

Trauma can be so subtle. There are certain feelings that come up in its aftermath that keep us choosing trauma whether we know it or not. These include rejection, inadequacy, powerlessness, and feelings associated with shame. We choose these feelings by re-creating the trauma or retraumatizing ourselves with it. Until we have a basic understanding of trauma, we cannot succeed. That’s why we typically deny what happened. To do so keeps us stuck in the worst day. Clients who see me for business-related topics are completely unaware that their work stumbling blocks are rooted in the Worst Day Cycle. In each episode of the reality television show The Profit, the brilliant businessman Marcus Lemonis visits a different business that is in shambles. In very short order, he identifies and then turns around the process problems of running the business. The people are the difficult part. They struggle with following the process or seeing how they are playing a part in the business’s failure. They are all caught in their Worst Day Cycle. If you as a businessperson aren’t dealing with and focusing on your Worst Day Cycle, you are overlooking the most important part of your potential business success.

How Do We Get Out of the Worst Day Cycle?

Being stuck in the Worst Day Cycle can affect all aspects of our life. The aftermath of our trauma proves to be the most difficult as we continually self-victimize and then deny what is happening. Trauma is the first part of the cycle. Without it, the cycle would not exist. What we need to do is acknowledge the trauma and learn about it instead of avoiding and denying it. We need to turn toward our fear of trauma. To avoid my trauma, I tried to control everyone and everything around me. But this only caused me pain. I am uncomfortable when I turn toward my trauma, give up that control, work through those feelings, and allow my brain time to reorient itself. My counselor would repeatedly say to me, “Kenny, you just need to learn how to be.” I never understood that until now. Every person’s desire to grow is different. How long it will take them to get out of the Worst Day Cycle is up to them and depends on one thing—pain.

As you read this, are you second-guessing whether you really want to undertake that first step of your Worst Day Cycle? You say you want your life to be different but this just seems like too much work. If so, that old feeling has surfaced—the one that keeps you awake at night as you contemplate change, the one that is waiting for you when you wake in the morning. That feeling is your Worst Day Cycle; it is fighting you right now. It doesn’t want to leave just yet. If you aren’t willing to take that first step on the journey to success, then there is only one way for you to get the life you want—pain and suffering. Whatever it is you are doing to avoid addressing your cycle and your fear of success, do it more. Have more affairs; embezzle more money; take more sleeping pills; experience more illnesses, injuries, and disease; and medicate more with food, pills, alcohol, pot, illicit drugs, porn, or sex. Whatever you are currently using to self-victimize and keep your walls of denial up, accelerate them. Inflict so much pain on yourself that you run out of it and have no other choice but to finally turn toward the one thing we have all avoided. Success. That is right. Our success and inherent greatness come to light when we overcome our Worst Day Cycle. In the following chapter, we’ll look at the role our parents played in our trauma.

Your Journey to Success Steps 1.Make a list of your worst days and your feelings about them. Where do you feel the most powerless in your life right now? 2.Challenge yourself to sit still for one hour. Don’t close your eyes; just sit there in silence without any outside stimulus. This includes checking your phone for messages or listening to music. Make note of what feelings come up. If you can only last a few minutes, that’s okay, but work on extending how long you can sit in silence until you eventually reach an hour. 3.If you are feeling overwhelmed, seek the assistance of a helping professional to help you through your Worst Day Cycle.