Читать книгу 488 Rules for Life - Kitty Flanagan - Страница 18

33

Only buy black leggings

Any other colour simply makes a feature of the sweat around your box and crack. Pop on a pair of light grey leggings next time you exercise and you’ll see that even when you barely break a sweat up top, downstairs you’ll be showcasing a right Rorschach inkblot test in your pants. That’s why people in the gym are staring—they’re either trying to work out what the stain resembles or, worse, they’re wondering if you’ve wet yourself. Because it’s difficult to tell the difference between sweat and wee, so there’s a good chance you’ll just look like a lady who went a bit too wide on her warrior pose and blew a piss-valve.

34

Stop calling it active wear

Most people I see wearing ‘active wear’ are at the shopping centre. So perhaps we should use the term ‘Lycra shopping outfit’ instead.

35

Once you are no longer active, get changed

You may wear your exercise gear en route to the gym or the park or the hot yoga dojo or wherever you are going to be active. You may also keep it on as you make your way home again and you may even detour to the shops, briefly, to pick up a couple of things. But that’s it. Once you’re home, admit that you’re not going to be doing any more lunges or downward dogs and that it’s time to put on some less-active wear.

36

Dress according to the standard of cyclist you are

Many of us enjoy a hit of tennis yet I never see anyone down at my local club sporting a full Serena Williams–style catsuit. Cyclists should bear that in mind and rethink their cycling gear. If you’re not racing in the Tour de France, there’s absolutely no need for those gut-hugging tops with multiple pockets all around that allow you to strap energy bars to yourself like dynamite on a suicide bomber vest.

You can probably live without those three bananas and four Clif Bars, not to mention the numerous electrolyte sachets. After all, you’re only going to be riding for about an hour at the most. The larger part of your morning will be spent sprawled across multiple tables at the local cafe drinking lattes with all the other middle-aged men in padded ball-bag pants and zip tops covered in logos of sponsors who aren’t actually your sponsors. And the reason they aren’t your sponsors is because you’re not a professional cycling team. You’re just some dads in clip-cloppy shoes trying to get out of parenting on a Sunday morning.

37

Men must wear shorts over leggings

The gym is no place for people to discover whether or not you are circumcised. That’s a private discussion for another place and time.