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ОглавлениеChapter 3
What else drives ‘telling’?
The previous chapter provided some valuable insight into helping you to think about your role in health and your approach to it. We are sure that most of you will relate to that sense of conformity and ‘fitting in’ to the norms, and also of unconsciously conforming to the way things are or have been done in your workplace and culture, rather than by a way of your choosing.
We’d now like to take some time to highlight what other factors are at play in our role definition that need to be given further consideration to help us deal with the challenge of being less of a ‘teller’ and more of an ‘asker’. When we consider the prospect of asking more questions of someone instead of telling them what to do, there is usually some internal resistance that comes from the person who is doing the asking. In this chapter, we’ll deal with some of the potential issues that arise for the person in the role of an ‘asker’.
Let’s work through a practical example that you’ll be able to relate to and that will help to demonstrate the points we’d like to make. Let’s imagine that a health practitioner – let’s call him Martin – has a client Jill, whom he sees fairly regularly, and that historically, mainly due to a lack of awareness, he’s been more of a ‘teller’ than an ‘asker’ and so has created an habitual way of responding to her.
The example we will use is where Jill is talking to Martin about a problem she is having with her health and Martin simply responds by advising her on what she needs to do. Indeed, Martin identifies with the ‘telling’ space because he considers himself to be helpful and has always believed that dealing with situations in this way was best, as he knows that his clients appreciate his advice. However, fortunately Martin recently attended a workshop where he learnt the skill of asking Better Questions. Whilst at the workshop, he realises that he’s been more of a ‘teller’ in the past and decides that when he returns to work he will start to ask some Better Questions.
Martin returns to work, and a week later he has an appointment with Jill again and Jill shares an update with him and advises that she is still having the problem that she discussed with him last time. Jill will undoubtedly have an expectation that Martin will provide another solution for her – after all, this is what has always happened in the past.
Now, Martin is feeling a little apprehensive about changing his approach and asking some Better Questions of Jill, believing that she may not be comfortable if he adopts this approach. He’s concerned that she will think he’s in a bad mood or that he’s being unhelpful; after all, practitioners are meant to be there for their clients!
You can see from this example that once you have overcome the hurdle of dealing with your own perceptions of how you should fulfil your role, you will need to start thinking about how you can deal with the way your clients perceive you, particularly if they’re used to your telling them what to do. If you have formed a certain way of interacting with them and you suddenly change, there is a good chance it may not be well received. Once you have established a way of doing things, it’ll potentially be more challenging to change because of existing perceptions. However, change is certainly possible and it may be easier than you think.
Changing your style
We’ll now share with you some ideas that will help you deal with the challenges highlighted here, in the hope that something will inspire you to find a solution that is going to work for you. There are many potential solutions to deal with challenges, and whilst we never pretend to have all the answers, the following ideas may help.
In the example above, where Martin is changing from being less of a ‘teller’ to more of an ‘asker’, our simple advice is to let Jill know what he’s doing and why he’s doing it! It is important to remember that there are ways to convey a message, and so it’s important that your clients understand that this is genuinely about you wanting to change your style and is not about them having done anything wrong. Whilst we don’t usually like scripts, they can sometimes be helpful to illustrate a possible choice of words that you might use to help you to sincerely convey your reasons for your change in approach:
“I will always do my best to help you in whatever way I can, and this means that sometimes I may not simply tell you what to do and instead I will ask you questions. I know that you have great ideas and that every time I provide advice and tell you what to do, I’m not valuing your ideas and knowledge or allowing you to express your thoughts. So, in future, what I’d like to do is ask you some more questions that enable you to bring your ideas to the table because I know you have got lots to contribute!”
It’s important that you bring your own preferred language and style when conveying the message, and as long as it is positive and confidence-building we’ve found that most clients will get where you are coming from – and many will appreciate your change in approach. We do recognise that this may not be the case for all clients and some may positively resist questions, so we’ll explore this further in a later chapter about dealing with challenges and issues with asking Better Questions.
Being open, then, about your reason for asking questions is, we believe, the best way to proceed, and we suggest that it is very powerful to outline how you wish to fulfil your role so that you proactively manage clients’ expectations of you. If you don’t proactively manage these expectations, it will be easy to fall back into the habit of doing what clients expect rather than what you now choose to do.
Of course, another option Martin has in this situation with Jill is to actually say nothing other than to ask the question and see what happens. In certain situations it may be that there isn’t an ingrained expectation of you that you will always be the ‘expert’ and answer questions. This means that you are far freer to take on the role of ‘asker’ without any adverse reaction and the need for lengthy explanations. Indeed, many clients engage very willingly and forthrightly when given the opportunity to, which makes your ‘asker’ role so much easier to carry out in practice.
Let’s revisit the Martin and Jill scenario again, because we need to acknowledge that it’s possible that Martin may decide at some point to still be a ‘teller’ in this situation, depending upon how the conversation progresses. For example, if Jill presents as being absolutely stuck and in need of his expertise, our advice is to still be a questioner initially, because she may still be more knowledgeable than she realises (particularly given that when it comes to your own life you are an expert). If, however, after a couple of questions it becomes clear to Martin that Jill is looking more to him in his role of the ‘expert’, then it is clear that Martin needs to switch to the other end of our imaginary line and become a ‘teller’. Please note, that even then there is scope to combine asking Better Questions in this approach, which we will cover soon.
The ego
Let’s explore one other aspect of our preference to be more of a ‘teller’, and that is an aspect of human nature that most of us don’t like to talk about – the role of the ego. It will be helpful to demonstrate the role that our ego plays in typical, everyday situations. So let’s go back to the same scenario, where Jill shares a problem with Martin.
Remember that most of us are programmed to respond by telling or advising another person what to do when presented with a problem, so automatically we provide an answer, or at the very least a suggestion to help them. Now what we’d like you to think about is the impact that ‘telling’ has on Martin after he has helped Jill. Whilst most of what we’re about to describe isn’t done at a conscious level, there’s a good chance his ego will get a boost from his actions. As human beings we all have a need to feel significant and good about whom we are and what we do, and in this instance Martin will be feeling a sense of self--satisfaction due to the fact that he has:
•helped Jill out
•demonstrated his knowledge and wisdom
•proven that he is a good Health & Wellbeing Professional.
Whilst we accept that there may be a little cynicism in these points, they aren’t too far from the truth if we are prepared to be honest. So, if this is the case then we need to recognise that if we change to being an ‘asker’ rather than a ‘teller’, this sense of self-satisfaction won’t occur in the same way because we are no longer providing an answer. Given that we’re strongly motivated by doing things that make us feel good about ourselves, the possibility of changing a habit that enables us to give ourselves a pat on the back may not be easy. That said, we trust that by sharing this awareness, we enable you to prepare for letting go of this ‘ego fix’. The good news is that we guarantee that your ego will indeed feel even more satisfied from your more consistent adoption of an ‘asking’ approach.
Thus, understanding how you’d like to go about performing your role and the values that you will uphold is the starting point to being a better Health & Wellbeing Professional who asks Better Questions. Once you have that clear in your mind, you must have the strength of your convictions to go into the world and be that person, which will include managing the expectations of self and clients. This will undoubtedly bring challenges along the way, but we believe that a better professional will have the resilience and resolve to work their way through these challenges. After all, respecting and wanting to tap into clients’ potential and truly valuing empowerment are fabulous attributes of a true Potentialiser – attributes that society, and global health systems that can unwittingly encourage dependence, are crying out for.
