Читать книгу Cougar of Spirit Lake - Linnette MDiv Eller - Страница 9

Jessica had a troubled heart. She found herself asking more and more what was wrong. Was she fickle? Was she still so upset by what had happened to Mama and then the ordeal with Papa that she couldn't focus her feelings anymore? The fault was hers, she told herself. She had been so convinced that she loved Thomas. Listen to yourself, she chided, even now you use it in the past tense.

Yet there was a part of her had always known that she had never been in love with Thomas, at least not in the way Mama had been in love with Papa. Still, back home everything had seemed at least all right about it. It had only been since they had joined up with the wagon train nearly three months ago that her feelings had come to what they were now. The memory of the day in the wagon going to town with Thomas came to mind, and she realized she had doubts about him even then. It seemed now she had no feelings about him at all. At times she felt as though he was a total stranger and one she did not even like at times!

It could just be the rigors of this trip making everyone behave differently, she reasoned. Deep in her heart she knew this was not the case. She was seeing something in Thomas that had not been so obvious to her before. After all, she saw him every single day now and that always made things different. Then she realized that if she married Thomas she would certainly see him every day! “Oh, whatever am I going to do?” She moaned to herself.

“What was that you said, Jessi?”

She turned her head to look at Papa, sitting beside her, taking his turn at driving the wagon. He looked so good, as though once he came back to them he had began to almost thrive on everything that happened in everyday life.

“Oh, nothing Papa, I guess I was just talking to myself.”

“Jess, I know something is troubling you, I have been watching you lately and it’s written all over your face.”

“Now, don't go worrying about me Papa, I am just fine. It is probably everything being so different. You know, leaving the farm and all, then starting out West, just so many things different that's all.”

“Everything being different? Everything, like Thomas?” He was watching her face closely as he asked, and his own face revealed a knowing look.

She looked at him startled that he had seemed to be reading the very thoughts that had just been going through her mind! She realized there was something else bothering her too. She had suspected for weeks now that Papa did not like Thomas, but she couldn't understand when that had happened or why. Well, she did know when it seemed to have happened. From the very day that Papa had come back to them from his world of grief his attitude towards Thomas had been different.

“You don't like Thomas do you Papa?”

“Oh, Jess, it isn't for me to like or dislike him. You are the one that is important, you are the one he wants to marry.”

“No, Papa, I need a direct answer from you about this. You don't like him do you?”

“No. No, as a matter of fact I don't!”

“Why? I know that you did, or you used to. At least that day that Ma.... well, I mean you did used to like him, didn't you?”

“Yes, I did used to more or less like the boy, not ever crazy about him though…Jessi, it's alright you know. You were going to say the day Mama died. It’s alright, you can talk about her to me, in fact I think it’s a shame that we don't talk about her. She was a wonderful part of our lives, yours, mine the boys. Too wonderful to never talk about! I miss her Jessi; miss her so much I can't even tell you! I can’t even find the words! That is just normal though. What is not normal is that we don't talk about a person we all loved so much and in not talking about her we lose her. To do Lilly credit, we should always keep her memory alive. By the way, in case I haven't told you she would have been excessively proud of you, but no more proud than I am!”

“Oh Papa, I don't see what you think there is to be so proud of, but I miss her too Papa! I've wished so many times that she was here for me to talk to.”

“I know, Jess, I know. But I am here and I know that Mama would have wanted you to talk to me about all those things you used to talk to her about. I know I can't think much like a woman can, but most things in life are just a matter of living Jess, not necessarily male or female. I would feel a whole lot better if you would talk to me. What is it that has you so troubled? Your little face is too beautiful to have such an unhappy look on it.”

“Papa, I don't know what's wrong!” She almost wailed. “That's what is so bad about it. I just don't know what is wrong!”

“The ‘wrong’ is all about Thomas, isn't it Jess?”

“Oh, yes...no...I don't know.” She almost wailed. What was wrong? Just the way she felt about Thomas? She really felt it was more than that, she just had a feeling when she was around him, not a good feeling either sort of like making her want to cringe. Lately she had remembered Mama having said much the same about how she felt around Thomas. Yet how could she tell Papa something that was so intangible? Wouldn't he think those were some pretty silly notions?

“You don't really love Thomas, but you aren't exactly sure what to do about it are you Jess?”

When she didn’t answer, he gently prodded, “well, Jess?”

“Its, well... it’s really terrible of me to say, but no. Truth be told I guess I don't love Thomas! I don't even know why. I think I've taken leave of my senses sometimes Papa. It’s like when I am around him he gives me, well, I mean, I feel, uh. Oh, I don't know.”

“Sort of gives you an eerie feeling, is that it?”

“Oh, that sounds so terrible!”

“It’s true, though, isn't it?”

“Yes, but why? I mean he is the same Thomas that I knew back at the farm, why would I feel that way now when I didn't then? By the way, how did you know that he gave me an eerie feeling?”

“First questions first. You've grown up a whole lot in the past months. You see things differently now than you did then and that is just a part of growing up. You really weren't around him that much either, you have to remember that. Maybe there is something about Thomas that you didn't see then. As for me knowing about the eerie feeling, well, he strikes me the same way and he always struck Lilly that way.”

“Yes, yes I remember. Still it isn't anything I can pinpoint; I mean I can't give you any specific reasons for feeling that way. You didn't exactly tell me what it is that has made you not like Thomas. Please, Papa, tell me. Don't you think I should know? I mean when he is with us you hardly say a word. In fact you didn't say a word until the other night when he wanted me to take a little walk and then you bellowed like a bull. You even gave me a start, why did you get so upset?”

“I guess I am just real protective where you're concerned, but, I do mean what I said. I don't want you walking out with him; you stay where people can see you.”

“But Papa isn't that more than just 'protective? There is something about him you aren't telling me, isn't there?”

John was not going to tell his daughter what he suspected or what he knew. His suspicions hadn't been proven yet. In fact if he had told her how he was told what Thomas had done she would think he had gone crazy again, When he thought about it, he even wondered if it had all been imagined by a man half out of his mind with grief.

Still, it was so fresh in his mind it was as though it was only yesterday. It had been Lilly. Not his mind, no, he didn't imagine it. The first time that is what he convinced himself of though. She had stood at the foot of his bed and told him it was time to get up and begin living again before it was too late. Get up and see to her children. Get up and take care of the farm they had both worked so hard to build. He did not believe in the supernatural. Sure didn't believe in ghosts! But now he knew it was Lilly whether he believed in those things or not!

The next day Thomas had come over and he called him to the bedroom door. He had asked him how the farm was and Thomas had told him it was fine, he was watching over it and helping out until John got back on his feet. He had asked him if Jess and the boys had all that that they needed. Thomas had told him there were a few things they probably needed. With that John had given him the money to pay off all the accounts so Jess could go get anything they needed without bothering him. That was a mistake. He should have listened to Lilly and gotten out of his bed and started living and taking care of things himself.

Then Lilly came again, weeks later. She stood at the foot of his bed again. She had told him he had to get up! Their daughter needed him desperately. He had to get up so that a terrible thing would not happen to her as had happened to Carrie Carpenter! She had said get up, now, John now before it is too late. She had told him that Thomas was a thief, an unspeakable monster. Get up now! She had said again and it still echoed through his mind. Get up now John and save our daughter! Now John, right now!

He had thought about that all the rest of the night. The next morning he did get up, shaved and put on fresh clothes. Soon after that Jessi had come into the room going on and on disjointedly about their affairs and the overdue accounts and losing the farm. This time she did get his attention.

He had remained in his room a few hours longer turning this over and over in his mind. He had already determined to return to the world of the living, that wasn't what was bothering him. He knew he had given Thomas the money. He was certain of that! Who would believe the word of a crazy man though? He had almost waited too late after all. It was like a horse kicking him in the guts that afternoon when he had heard about Carrie Carpenter. Her body had been found that morning but Lilly had spoken of it the night before. It fairly gave him a case of goose bumps like he had never had in his life!

Lilly had said their Jessi was in the same kind of danger. That is why he had decided to move west. Get Jess away from the danger. Now he suspected they were in the company of that danger. Lilly had said 'unspeakable monster' and John at the time had thought she meant in regards to the farm and money, now he was convinced that she meant far worse than that where Thomas was concerned. If it was, Thomas. He couldn't prove that either. Not yet. However, he was sure going to watch every move the man made, especially around Jessica.

John wasn't impressed with Thomas' judgment about this wagon train either. Thomas had assured him that the wagon master was highly experienced and had led at least five other trains West. He hadn't bothered to find out the man was now a drunk and that the route he had told them yesterday they were going to be taking had been traveled by mountain men, trappers and so forth, but never a wagon train. John brought himself from his thoughts and looked again at his daughter. She had no idea how beautiful she was. That hair of hers had made more than one person stop and look, if those green eyes hadn't already made them stop in their tracks. She was such a tender hearted little thing too. Yet she could be a wild cat if you crossed her wrong, or worse yet somebody she cared about. There was no doubt in his mind she would fight to the death for someone she loved and with no thought to herself.

She was smart too. Damned smart. He was convinced that there was nothing she couldn't do if she set her mind to it. He thought about the way she had taken over the farm when he had 'deserted' them and felt love and pride swell in his chest. This girl was special, and he didn't think that just because she was his daughter. She was accomplished, well accomplished in so many areas. Her artistic ability was impressive to say the least. He knew her to be a natural at the healing arts, he had seen her in action many times and knew she was gifted with the ill and injured.

Then there was just Jessica herself. Yes, she did have intelligence, a quick wit and a mischievous sense of humor to boot, but it was more than all those things, far more. She was such a warm hearted caring person, she genuinely cared about people. She had far too much given to her by the Good Lord to throw it away on the likes of Thomas, even if Thomas were not the criminal deviate that John was convinced that he was, he still was not the man for Jessica.

This morning he had been looking through her sketch book. She was good, he knew that, he had seen enough art work to know what was good and what was strictly amateur. Lately she had been especially interested in plants and wildlife on the trail and had catalogued a great many. She had one sketch book full of plants. She had carefully detailed information about many of the plants used for healing and knew them well. Lilly had sent for several books on healing and medicinal herbs and Jessica had devoured the information in them, and had used them more than once with great success.

Why the farm hands would not let anyone near them if they were hurt except her. The only time they would let the doctor be called was when Jess herself would tell them that they had to see him. Lilly had been turned toward the healing gift too, but it was her own mother, Jessica's Grandmother, that really possessed a true skill and talent for it. She was the doctor for her entire settlement. Maybe she didn't go to school for it or do anything formal to earn a degree, but nonetheless she was a natural born doctor. Being a woman though, she was called a midwife, although a truer doctor never was born.

Jess only had one real fault that he could see, and there were a good many times that it couldn't even be called a real fault. She was stubborn and self-willed. He knew that her stubborn determination had been what had seen her through all the sorrow and trouble since Lilly had left. So, even her faults had their good aspects he mused. I am not just being a doting father he thought, I know for a fact that this girl has more to her than most. Too damned much to be wasted on Thomas! There was absolutely no doubt in his mind about that. No, his Jess deserved a good man, one that is honorable and decent, with a good heart. Not a description of Thomas by any means.

“Papa, do I have dirt on my face or something?”

“No, Little Cat, I was just admiring how pretty you are, and as a matter of fact thinking how smart you are.”

“Oh Papa, don't be so silly, you know that you're just partial because I happen to be your one and only daughter.”

“Now while I may admit to being partial, I don't think that it’s clouded my vision or my opinions too awfully bad. It’s true, you are a beauty whether you know it or not.”

“Well, I may be passable, but the beauty here is the countryside Papa. You should be looking at it and not me. Why you can look at me anytime!”

“If you really think that is the way of it, then I guess I will have to just keep one eye on the scenery and one on you, and then I can be doubly pleasured.”

“Oh Papa, really! Anyway, I am already doubly enjoying it. This may sound strange to you but ever since we started out on this wagon train it’s been like I've been going to a place that I've always been meant to go. Like, I have been looking for something, oh, like, I am looking for home, I know it sounds strange. But I am certain when I see this place I will just know it is home. I almost feel like I am yearning for it. I seem to hardly be able to remember what the farm looked like already, as though that was just a temporary place, not really the home of my heart. But how could that be when that is where Mama was? Does it sound like I have been out in the sun for too long and become fanciful?”

“It may surprise you, but I know just what you mean because Lilly and I felt the same way. That's when we moved from back east. I guess you didn't know that we had never intended to stop when we did, no, we wanted the mountains, like a yearning. But your Mama found that Tommy was on the way and I didn't want her to travel all that way, so we settled back at the farm. We were happy there, you know that. But we never quite got the mountains out of our minds. We thought we had a lot of life before us, and planned on moving sooner or later. As it is I just feel like I am continuing the journey we started.”

“How long before we see the mountains, Papa? I mean real mountains, not these foothills, not that I don't like them too.”

“It will be a while yet before we see the big ones.” He said, smiling at her.

“Tommy said his friend told him that we will be at Ft. Yates in a day or two. Do you think we will spend a while there?”

“Hard to say the way old Larson is pushing us. I have heard some of the folks say that we are covering a lot more ground per day than most trains do. I know we are supposed to pick up two more scouts at the forts.”

“Indian scouts, is what I heard. That scares me, Papa.”

“I wouldn't be overly concerned right now, Jess. Right now we have treaties with the Sioux, and there have been no problems reported in a while now. We are going to be traveling the Missouri River, and there are forts along the way clear over to the Yellowstone River, and I haven't heard too much about what's beyond. I am sure the closer we get the more we will start hearing.”

That evening Thomas left the Ferrall camp more than a little frustrated. Jessica had damn near ignored him. He wasn't going to take much more of this from her. He had told her there was no reason they couldn't get married at Ft. Yates. All she had said is she wasn't ready to get married yet. Why couldn't he just wait until they finished the trip she had asked? He had told her if that is how she felt maybe they should call the whole thing off. The little bitch looked him right in the eye and told him since he felt that way about it, she would agree with calling it off. He was so mad he left camp without another word. Guess he shouldn't have shot off his mouth because she was going to marry him. That is all there was to it and she might as well get used to the idea!

He realized that he was almost at the wagon of the little blonde. Well, maybe he would go on over and strike up a conversation. He was getting to the point of being out of control and it was obvious Jess didn't give a damn about his physical needs. Maybe this girl would.