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LISTEN UP!

I recently spent the day at a water park with my partner Jack (we will always be big kids) and there was this long river ride where you sit in rubber rings floating along rapids. There were lifeguards along the sides and whenever we floated past one I’d call out, “What’s the most memorable thing you’ve ever seen on duty?”

It may not surprise you to hear that of the 20 young, male lifeguards I asked, the majority of their anecdotes ended in “and then her boobs popped out”. While their answers were pretty irrelevant, what amazed me was their enthusiasm and eagerness to share their memories.

Their faces lit up when I quizzed them, they literally jumped out of their chairs and jogged beside our rubber rings so they could finish their stories. It was such a simple moment with a series of strangers, but I like to think we all got a little higher, a little happier, a little smilier from this small interaction. It’s a basic human instinct to want to be heard, ‘seen’ and acknowledged.

In the age of technology there are a lot of inhibitors that allow, enable and encourage us to be even more withdrawn and isolated – compounding a lack of confidence. We can order anything we need at the click of a button, we can bury our heads in our smartphones if we’re feeling nervous and swap real friendships for social media relationships. I know that if I ever feel wobbly walking into a new environment, it often comes from a feeling of inadequacy. “Why will they want to talk to me? What can I contribute? What do I have to say that’s interesting?”

Well, here’s the magic flip in mindset. Having a conversation isn’t just about talking, it’s also about listening and, in fact, that second part is far more important. This is the mistake many people make – they feel pressure to perform, to hold the floor, to be the funniest, smartest, wittiest, most entertaining person in the room, in the building, on the planet. Talk about pressure! But I’ve noticed that when I take a listening role in a conversation, ask questions and am really interested in what people are saying, I begin to feel genuinely involved, accepted and appreciated as a participant in that conversation. I now see it as a game – how many new people can I speak to today? They don’t have to be long, drawn-out conversations. When I first got my dog Benny a few years ago, I was amazed at how strangers suddenly started talking to me as we walked along the beach. It was as if my furry prop gave people permission to reach out and connect (I imagine it’s similar when you’re pregnant or have a child). It made me realise how many people are eager to chat – if you give them an icebreaker. I love the awareness campaign by suicide prevention charity RU OK? They believe this simple question can build bridges and create community spirit, by encouraging us all to check in with each other regarding mental illness – without fear of isolation or judgement, no matter the answer.

It’s not just our family, friends and workmates we can reach out to in every day life. Try it on the guy at the checkout, the stranger in the elevator, the neighbour you’ve only ever nodded to. How’s your day? What have you got planned? I love your coat/shoes/handbag. Practise the art of proactive questioning. That means really listening to their answer, and then responding with real interest, encouragement and openness – rather than just waiting for them to finish so you can impart your next pearl of wisdom.

That’s not to say you’ll always get it right. I practise listening – purposefully – but everyone zones out sometimes. Years ago I was introduced to a prominent person whose surname began with “Moo…” That’s the only bit I remember now… or could focus on then! A couple of month’s later when I met him again, I couldn’t remember his name. So I confessed, “I’m really trying to remember your name, but all I can think of are cows…” Luckily he laughed and the ice was broken. Confidence takes guts… and a sense of humour! It also takes practice and I still continue to test myself, putting myself in situations that push me outside my comfort zone. If I hadn’t overcome my fear of public speaking, I’d never have.