Читать книгу The Devious Book for Cats: Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest? - Литагент HarperCollins USD, Ю. Д. Земенков, Koostaja: Ajakiri New Scientist - Страница 14

You’re winding down from a long night of diving across the hall after a coat button. Now the sun is coming up and you could do with a little snack. But that bacon-grease-filled pan you were counting on is gone from the hob. And no matter how hard you look, there aren’t any food nuggets hiding under your dish. Actually, the more you think about it, you aren’t just peckish, you are STARVING! Literally wasting away before no one’s eyes! Where is your person? How can she be contentedly bundled under a pile of blankets, drooling and snoring? Doesn’t she know you could die of hunger any second?

If you could feed yourself, you would, but frankly it is impossible. Your person purchased a tin-opener designed in a discriminatory manner so as not to accommodate paws. Those new-fangled pouches she brought home are like titanium to teeth. And that fridge she hides food in is an impenetrable fortress of delicious leftover chicken fajita and cream cheese.

Of course there’s dry food in the bowl, but you’re keeping that for later.

That leaves only one possible option. To save your very life your person needs to get up immediately and open something! Well, something you’re actually in the mood for, perhaps involving giblets, or a seafood component. Except, you’re not really feeling like white fish this morning, unless perhaps if it is part of a seafood platter. But that’s a bridge you’ll cross when you come to it. Right now, you just need to focus on the problem at hand.

While shrieking up a storm might seem to be the most straightforward attention-getter, you know that usually results in you being tossed out into the hallway with the door slammed in your face. Instead, try some of these more subtle ways to wake her up and get you fed (in escalating order):

Face Touching: Ever so gently – no claws – place a paw on her cheek. Now smoosh, then release. Smoosh, then release. We recommend ten reps of three.

Lick a Plastic Bag: Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. Wasn’t that annoying to read? Imagine what it sounds like if you just rolled in a few hours ago from a night out with the girls.

Plastic bags strewn around the bedroom floor aren’t just fun, they can be staunch allies in your quest to get grub. If, on the other hand, your person is careful to hide her purchases and dispose of the bag evidence, a lampshade or dry-cleaning bag are acceptable substitutes.

Whack Something Repeatedly: Using your paw, rapidly whack at something in the room. It’s important that the something you choose to whack, in turn smacks into something else and makes a noise – a really irritating noise that you can commit to maintaining for at least ten minutes. The blinds or a hinged cupboard door are popular options. If nothing in the room happens to fit the bill, scratching the wallpaper works just as well.

Hair Chewing and Licking: Start by nibbling the ends, build up to a gnaw and finish with a series of aggressive tugs. Should your person have short hair unsuitable for chewing, treat her to a full head grooming instead. These techniques are designed to really get her attention, but they may well get you kicked off the bed. If she doesn’t get up and follow, jump back up there and move on to the next, and final, step.

Hand Licking/Biting: Your sandpapery tongue will awaken her briefly, and she’ll probably be touched by your little display of affection. That’s the time to drive home the immediacy of your desperate situation with a startling nip. Be careful not to bite too hard and draw blood. You need that hand operational for food-dispensing duties. If for some reason one bite isn’t enough, be prepared for an encore or two.

At this point she’ll probably realize her alarm is going to go off in thirty minutes anyway, so she might as well just get out of bed and feed you.

But what if she actually does dole out plain old coley? Just walk away and take a nap on that big warm spot on the bed.