Читать книгу Single Dads Collection - Lynne Marshall - Страница 65

ELLA’S innocently revealing words punched the air from Cade’s lungs, robbing him of the ability to speak. It was all he could do to stay upright and not fall face first in the dirt.

To his infinite relief, his mother and Dee tactfully started to pack things away in preparation for the return journey. They didn’t raise enquiring or teasing eyebrows in his direction or shoot him sidelong glances. He loved them for the space they gave him, the way they respected his privacy. He’d neglected them this last year and they’d borne it without complaint. He would never be able to thank them enough for their patience.

It didn’t mean he could move to help them clean up now, though. It didn’t mean he could think of anything to say to ease the situation.

I wish you were my mummy. The words froze him all over again. His temples throbbed. His eyes ached. All he could do was stare at Nicola and pray that …

What? That she could make this right?

I wish you were my mummy. He swallowed the bile that burned acid in his throat.

He had no idea how Nicola managed to maintain her composure, but she did, and while it was true that colour heightened her cheeks, she didn’t stumble as she explained to Ella that the kiss the child had witnessed had only been a friendly kiss and that she and Daddy were just good friends. She didn’t laugh at Ella, which would’ve cut the child to the quick. He was seized with a sudden fierce desire to hug her for her easy, confident manner with his daughter. With both his daughters.

‘But I don’t want you to leave Waminda!’ Ella suddenly wailed.

A chill trickled down his spine. He should’ve seen this coming—the fact that Ella might form an attachment to her temporary nanny. He should’ve taken it into account, but he’d been too hell-bent on ensuring Christmas went off without a hitch to have considered the possibility.

Perspiration prickled his scalp, his nape, his top lip. After Fran’s desertion, it was a possibility he should’ve considered. He’d left Ella open for rejection, not just by one woman, but by two. His hands clenched. His jaw clenched. He wanted to throw his head back and howl at the mess he’d made of things.

‘I love it at Waminda too.’ Nicola’s voice sounded clear and harmonious in the evening air. It filtered through the furore raging in his mind and somehow helped to soothe it, though he didn’t know how.

‘But you always knew I had to go back to my home in Melbourne. I have to go back to see my mother and my friends … and I have to go back to my job, remember?’

‘As a schoolteacher.’ Ella nodded, evidently proud that she’d remembered.

‘But it doesn’t mean we can’t be best friends for ever, though, does it? We can write to each other—letters and emails. That’ll be fun, don’t you think?’

Ella nodded again. And then she straightened and started to bounce. ‘We could Skype!’

His four-year-old had recently discovered the joys of the Internet and particularly Skype. His lips twisted. He could forsee a Skype addiction in the future. But suddenly that didn’t seem so bad, because Ella wasn’t crying or traumatised by the thought of Nicola’s departure from Waminda.

Nicola had managed to quieten Ella’s fears and at the same time pump up the little girl’s confidence with an ease he couldn’t believe. It occurred to him then that she might have foreseen a moment like this, and had come up with a plan that she’d implemented so smoothly nobody’s feelings were hurt and all seemed right with the world. Only …

In another three weeks, Nicola would leave Waminda, and that suddenly seemed very, very wrong.

He shot to his feet and immediately set about helping with the general clearing up and packing away. They always made an effort to leave the lake and surrounding as untouched as they could.

I wish you were my mummy.

The words burned like a brand. His gaze drifted to Ella and Nicola and his heart clenched at the way Ella rested against Nicola with all the trust in her four-year-old heart. And at the way Nicola held the child as if she were the most precious thing in the world.

Ella deserved a mother—a woman who would love her and provide her with a role model.

Nicola deserved the family, the children her heart craved.

Daddy, you could marry Nic.

The insidious thought slid under his guard and chafed at him. He tried to shake it off. It was a crazy idea.

I saw you kissing her.

His mouth dried. There was no doubt whatsoever that he enjoyed kissing her. No doubt whatsoever that he’d like to do a whole lot more than kiss her.

But marry her?

He shook his head with a muttered curse and set about packing the car.

Cade, Nicola, Ella and Holly—with a little help from Nicola—waved at the plane as it took off into endless and cloudless blue sky.

Ella slipped her hand inside Cade’s. ‘I’ll miss Grandma, Daddy.’

‘Me too.’ It took him a moment to drag his gaze from the way Nicola kissed Holly’s crown and then made her giggle by tickling her. He forced himself to smile down at Ella. ‘But she’ll visit again soon,’ he assured her, ushering them back to the car and helping Ella with her seat belt while Nicola strapped Holly into her car seat.

‘She said she’d visit for my birthday.’

He nodded as he started the car and turned it in the direction of the homestead. Dee was going to do her best to bring the boys back for a couple of days then too. He hoped he’d be able to return the favour and take Ella and Holly to visit for the twins’ birthdays later in the year.

‘Nic, can you come back for my birthday?’

Nicola stiffened. If he hadn’t been so finely attuned to her every movement he’d have missed it, it was so fleeting. But he was attuned. And he didn’t miss it.

He glanced at her sharply, but she barely met his gaze as she turned to talk to Ella in the back seat. ‘When’s your birthday, sweetie?’

‘Um … Daddy?’

‘The eleventh of March.’

Nicola shook her head. ‘That’s in term time so I won’t be able to make it.’

In the rear-vision mirror he watched the joy leach from Ella’s face.

‘But it doesn’t mean I can’t come to visit in holiday time … or that I can’t send you a present,’ she added on a teasing note.

Both assurances made Ella brighten, but they didn’t satisfy him. ‘What about Easter?’ he found himself demanding. ‘Could you come then?’

She met his gaze but he couldn’t read her expression and he had to drag his attention back to the dusty track before he drove over a mulga bush or fallen log or large rock and ripped a hole in the fuel tank or tore the muffler from the car.

‘I’m afraid not.’

‘You have plans?’ He couldn’t let it go.

‘I do.’

There was nothing left to say after that.

Something dragged Cade from the depths of sleep. He sat up in bed and tried to shake the fog from his brain so he could identify what had woken him.

Crying … Holly …

He was on his feet in an instant and stumbling in the direction of the nursery.

He paused in the doorway. Nicola was already there. She had Holly in her arms and was walking her up and down singing a low lullaby. He noticed the bottle of baby medicine on the nightstand.

When she turned to walk back towards the doorway and saw him, she shot him a smile that reassured him there was nothing seriously wrong with his youngest daughter. In time and tune to her lullaby, she sang, ‘We’re teething, Daddy, and it’s not very comfortable.’

Holly’s cries were starting to ease. Poor little tyke. He wanted to reach out and cradle her head, only he didn’t want to disturb her now she was starting to settle again.

Nicola sang that he should go back to bed.

He should. He needed to be up early in the morning—as usual—but he found he didn’t want to. He found the sight of Nicola in her nightie, rocking his child to sleep, amazingly comforting … and undeniably erotic. It struck him as unbelievably tantalising when he realised how thin her nightdress was, and how he could almost make out her entire shape beneath it.

His nanny was all woman and pure temptation. When she leant over the cot his breath caught at the free sway of her breasts. He could imagine the weight of them in his hands, he could imagine burying his face in them and the way she would arch against him and—

‘Cade, go to bed. Holly is sleeping now. I’m sorry we woke you.’

She’d settled Holly with a minimum of fuss. She was great with her. She was great with both his daughters.

‘Can we talk?’ The question shot out of him before he realised he’d meant to ask it. But after a moment’s thought he didn’t regret it. Not one little bit. He pushed his shoulders back.

‘Cade, it’s one o’clock in the morning.’

‘But—’

‘This is not a good time for us to talk.’ She swallowed. ‘It’s not a good time for us to be alone.’

When she went to ease past him, he used his body to trap her against the doorframe. His chest touched her chest and he could feel the way her breath caught and her nipples peaked. His groin hardened in instant response. He prayed she’d stay.

With a shuddering breath, she pushed him away. ‘In the morning, Cade. We’ll talk then,’ she choked out, and then she fled down the hallway to her own room.

His hand curled to a fist. He rested his forehead against the doorframe and bit back a curse. That hadn’t been the smartest move he’d ever made. He’d promised he would just be a good friend, but …

But the moment he saw her all good intentions flew out of his head. He’d better get his damn hormones back under control by morning, though, because he and Nicola were going to have a talk. And he meant to keep it completely professional.

He pushed away from the door and headed for his en suite bathroom. He needed a cold shower.

Breakfast the next morning was hell. Every time Nicola’s mouth closed about her toast or touched the rim of her mug, his body reacted with the memory of those lips on his flesh and the fire they could send shooting through his veins.

When she reached for the strawberry jam, he shot to his feet. ‘When you’re done here, could you come to my study?’

She blinked at his abruptness. ‘Yes, of course.’

Professional, level-headed, he schooled himself as he strode away. He wanted Nicola to stay at Waminda Downs permanently and he had to outline to her in as attractive a way as possible all the reasons why that was a good idea. Hormones would not help him there.

Less than ten minutes later she appeared in his study doorway. He motioned for her to take the seat across the desk from him. He did his best not to notice the soft plumpness of her lips and to close his mind to the scent of strawberry jam. It wasn’t easy, especially as some time during the last few weeks she’d started wearing clothes that accentuated her stunning figure rather than hide it, clothes that highlighted the colour of her hair and eyes and made her skin glow. He gritted his teeth.

‘You wanted to talk to me?’ she prompted.

He kicked himself into gear. ‘Nicola, I want you to consider taking on the role of Ella and Holly’s nanny full-time. Both of them adore you and you’ve fitted in so well at Waminda Downs. Having you here has made me realise that we do, in fact, need a full-time nanny.’

It wasn’t fair to ask Harry to take on so much of the child-minding duties on top of all her other chores. Having Nicola here had freed up both him and Harry. He couldn’t deny he’d enjoyed the opportunity to work around the station more these last few weeks—had rediscovered his love for a good day’s work.

‘I believe you’re right and you do need a full-time nanny, but, Cade, although I’m touched you asked me first, the answer is no.’

His head snapped back. For a moment he couldn’t speak. ‘But … but you haven’t even taken the time to consider it yet.’ His mouth opened and closed. He fought a scowl. ‘I thought you liked it here. I thought you loved Holly and Ella.’

‘I adore them!’ She leaned forward. ‘And I have enjoyed it here, but I made it clear from the first that this was a time-out for me and not a permanent venture.’

His hands clenched. ‘Why can’t you reconsider all that now—?’

‘I love my job as a schoolteacher.’ She sat back. ‘I’ve worked hard to get where I am. Becoming a nanny would not be making the best use of my skills. It would, in fact, be a demotion.’

‘I can afford to pay you your current salary.’ Plus more.

‘It’s not about the money, Cade!’ Her eyes suddenly spat fire. ‘Look, I have no intention of burying myself out here as if I’m afraid to return home, as if I can’t hold my head up and meet anyone’s eyes square-on.’

She wouldn’t even take a few days to think about his offer? He slashed a hand through the air. She was perfect for his daughters. And they were perfect for her. If only she’d see it. ‘That’s just misplaced pride!’

‘No, it’s not.’ Her eyes didn’t flash fire any more. She looked cool. Too cool. ‘Besides, it’s sensible. Down the track, I want to marry and have children of my own. Who am I going to meet out here?’

The thought of another man kissing those luscious lips fired him with an anger he knew he had no right to feel. An unreasonable, unholy anger. He bit back the torrent that clawed at his throat. Think. Think! It would be in everyone’s best interests if she stayed.

She wanted to be a mother.

He wanted a mother for his children.

He shot to his feet. ‘Then marry me, Nicola. That way we can both have what we want.’

Nicola recoiled from Cade and his outrageous suggestion.

He strode around the desk. She shot to her feet but he caught her hand before she could back away.

‘Think about it,’ he urged in that silky voice that could tempt a saint.

She had thought about it! The life here—her soul craved it. It seemed perfect.

Except …

He didn’t love her. And she wasn’t sure if she loved him. Lust wasn’t love. Nor was a desire for a family. She would not be weak and stupid, as she had been with Brad. She meant to be very sure of her reasons the next time she decided to marry.

If there is a next time, Nicola Ann. At your age there certainly aren’t any guarantees.

She swallowed.

‘I have a family that would embrace and welcome you. We’d have more children, of course. We could have as many as you wanted.’

How many more offers of marriage do you expect to receive?

‘And you can’t deny there’s heat between us. It would be very pleasurable creating those babies.’

She couldn’t deny that. And she couldn’t deny the empty ache that filled her whenever she thought of having children of her own and wondering if that would ever happen, but …

He lifted her chin to meet his gaze, his fingers caressing the skin there. ‘I would be faithful to you. I would do whatever I could to make you happy.’

He meant every word; she could see that. She swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘You don’t love me.’

‘I like you. I enjoy spending time with you. I desire you. And you love my daughters. What more could I possibly need?’

‘Love.’

He frowned. ‘You said the next time you decided to marry, you’d make sure you got exactly what you wanted from the relationship.’ He eased back, his eyes serious. ‘I am offering you exactly what you want.’

She had to bite her tongue. She had to swallow and then draw in a deep breath. No matter how much this man with his angry wounded eyes and his lips that could transport her to heaven tempted her, she would not make the same mistake she had in the past. ‘I was wrong and misguided when I said those things. I was feeling hurt and angry and I wanted to lash out. I wanted to find a way to protect myself, but it was all a lie.’

She pulled herself up to her full height. ‘Since I’ve been here I’ve come to see how wrong that kind of thinking is. If I treated someone that callously and with that degree of calculation it would make me worse than Brad and Diane. I have no intention of … of being such a bitch.’

His eyes narrowed. ‘Love is an overrated emotion and—’

‘And it’s precisely what I need, and I won’t settle for anything less.’ She snatched her hand from his. ‘I need love and friendship.’ Her eyes burned and her throat thickened. ‘You made me believe in friendship again, but it was a lie. You don’t care what’s best for me. All you care about is what’s best for your daughters and you’re more than willing to sacrifice me on that particular altar, aren’t you?’

‘I—’

‘But if you think a loveless marriage is what’s best for Ella and Holly then you are truly and utterly mistaken.’ She heaved in a breath, taken off guard by the pain that sliced through her. ‘There are a lot of nannies out there who would bond with Ella and Holly as well as I have done and whom you wouldn’t have to make the supreme sacrifice of marrying.’

He clenched his jaw so hard white lines appeared around his mouth. ‘I wouldn’t consider marrying you a sacrifice,’ he ground out.

For a moment she almost believed him. She gave a harsh laugh and shook her head. ‘You are so not ready to get remarried. Are you telling me you’re prepared to give another woman the chance to walk out on you and the girls again? Because what makes you so sure I wouldn’t, huh?’

His head snapped back. ‘I know you. I know you wouldn’t do that.’

Really? She folded her arms. ‘Let’s just play with another scenario for a moment. What if I said I would marry you and Fran heard about it and, as a result, came racing back here to ask you for a second chance? After all, she is Ella and Holly’s mother. Who would you choose? Which of us would you deem as the best choice for your daughters?’

His face, his frame, his fists all tightened. ‘That is not going to happen!’

‘That’s not an answer, Cade.’ A terrible tiredness gripped her. Her temples throbbed and her hands shook. Perspiration prickled her nape. ‘And until you do know the answer you’re in no fit state to marry anyone.’

She recognised the panic that raced across his face then too but she had to harden her heart against it before it led her into doing something she’d regret.

She folded her arms. ‘Marrying you would not be the best thing for me.’

Beneath his tan, he paled.

You stupid girl, Nicola Ann!

She lifted her chin. ‘I deserve better.’

She turned and left the room. He didn’t try to stop her.

The next fifteen days were a new kind of hell, one Nicola had never experienced before. Cade barely spoke to her and yet as each day passed she could hardly bear the thought of leaving Waminda Downs—of leaving Jack and Scarlett and Harry; of leaving Ella and Holly.

Of leaving Cade.

Her heart lurched and ached with each reminder of the hours that passed and the diminishing time that was left to her here. Somehow this place and these people had soaked into her bones.

She hadn’t fallen in love with Cade, though. She refused to believe that.

Leaving day finally arrived, and the moment the Cessna left the ground to wing her away on the first leg of her journey home to Melbourne, Nicola burst into tears.

‘Sorry,’ she mumbled to the pilot—Jerry, who’d brought her to Waminda Downs seven weeks ago—as he handed her a handkerchief. ‘It’s just I’m going to miss them all so much.’

He nodded. ‘Those little girls are the sweetest things. Kids, huh? They wrap themselves around your heart.’

They were … and they had. But it was Cade’s face that rose in her mind. With each mile that took her further away, the more it felt as if her heart was being ripped from her chest.