Читать книгу He Who Returned - Martin Fieber - Страница 15

“Mother, why is life so difficult here?” Jesus was desperate. “I am only barely six years old, and yet already often feel endlessly sad. And besides that, I keep on seeing these demons that pursue me constantly and laugh at me and try to hurt me. Why is that so?”

Miriam was conserving figs. She gazed over at her son and as so often felt great empathy for his plight. Yes, he was right of course. He truly did not have a childhood like the other kids who often had nothing better to do than get into trouble. Nonetheless she tried to comfort him.

“Jesus, unfortunately I can not simply take away all of those experiences, I only do know that you have a special task, even though you are still small and would prefer an easier life. I can only simply always be here for you.”

“If things keep up the way they are going, I don’t want to fulfil the task which God our father has given me. I feel completely exhausted.”

Miriam listened carefully to Jesus. There they were, the first doubts Jesus had ever expressed. Bakenor, her trusted friend in Egypt, had informed her earlier that such feelings would be expressed at some point. And that it would be entirely normal. She shouldn’t take them too seriously but rather show him that she understood that he felt that way. That was all that could be done to help Jesus. He was in fact strong enough. But it was nonetheless important that he had someone whom he could trust and share his feelings with.

“I can understand you, my son.” Miriam wanted to follow Bakenor’s instructions. “Simply do whatever your heart desires in these times now. Play your flute, take a walk, perhaps you could speak to Joshua about your feelings some time. And try to simply accept the fears that arise, to simply sense them and then ask God to lift these feelings from you again.”

“I will think about it.” Jesus had already decided to look out for Joshua more, but should he really share his thoughts and feelings with him more? He couldn’t tell. He was not sure whether Joshua would doubt him and his words too much. He would wait and see what the near future held.

Jesus was downcast. Nobody could understand him, nobody could look into his soul. Not even his mother, now.

“How was the morning in the synagogue today?” Miriam changed the topic. “As usual.” Jesus shook his head. “The rabbi is so pig-headed. The laws are more important to him than the people. He does not recognize the truths. And he always tries to show me up. But I have grown used to it already. Fortunately I am inspired to say things in reply whenever that happens. I have the feeling that the good spirits are standing directly next to me then and put words into my mouth. Those are nice moments.”

“Don’t be angry at the rabbi. He doesn’t know any better.”

“But it is still nice to know that the rabbi will be leaving in the foreseeable future.” Jesus paused for a moment. “Sadly, Joshua too.”

Jesus was often troubled by fears regarding the future. If things were already difficult now, how bad would it still get? Whenever he thought of the many evil faces he saw, he nearly got sick. Fortunately he wasn’t being bothered by them just now. Today way a day on which he felt like thanking his father in heaven for giving him the idea to carve his flute. This raised his spirits and he had to smile. It had occurred to him a couple of months ago. It had been a hot day, he had been sad and had had to defend himself against the grimacing faces and the demons constantly. Suddenly he had heard a voice that had told him to carve a flute and simply begin playing some melodies on it. He listened and then acted on the words he had heard. What had happened next had astonished him and even today still filled him with deep joy and love. After he had placed the finished flute against his lips for the very first time and a melody had appeared as if out of thin air suddenly, all of the evil faces had disappeared within moments and his soul had been filled with a deep sense of joy and peace. Whenever he now saw the grimacing faces he played his flute and the faces vanished, screaming and cursing.

That was the reason he always had the flute with him. Especially Simeon and his buddies laughed about him for playing it so often. They claimed it was only something for girls to do. On the other hand the girls were very fond of his flute-playing. It never took long till they gathered around him and began listening to the melodies he played.

Today however he went directly to the spring which was located a little outside of the village. He found a shady spot underneath a carob tree. He noticed that fears were prominent among his thoughts again today. Perhaps his mother was right and he should tell Joshua of his fears. He placed the flute against his lips, closed his eyes and simply played whatever cam to mind. As usual his thoughts became lighter, the dark fog around him dissipated and his soul felt more joyful.

Suddenly he heard rustling nearby. Jesus opened his eyes and saw Rachel, who had approached him very quietly. Neither of them spoke a word. She sat down next to him and the tree. Jesus began playing the flute again. Holy silence and peace surrounded the two and they enjoyed this wonderful moment together.

Jesus lowered the flute and cast his gaze into the distance, toward Mt. Tabor. “Playing the flute gives me great joy and makes my life more bearable.”

“You play flute very well.” Rachel was always happy to be near him. Especially today. “Jesus, I had a dream about you last night.”

Jesus gave her a surprised look. “And what happened in your dream?”

“You were already as old as my father. Lots of children were sitting around you and listening to your stories. I was sitting next to you. You were very happy. But at the end of one of the stories you told me that you were also often lonely and sad. And that children gave you hope.” Rachel paused for a moment. “And then I suddenly heard loud yelling and strong men took you away. Then one of the men shouted that they had found the Messiah. That was all.”

“Hmm. It is true that I often feel lonely and downcast.” Jesus was surprised at how precisely Rachel had described his feelings. “But I don’t tell anyone about it.”

“Why not? You can tell me about your feelings. I will always listen to what you have to say.”

“Rachel, you always play with the other girls and I do not want to burden you with my feelings.”

Rachel was puzzled. No other boy her age had such thoughts or exuded the level of maturity that Jesus did. “I believe that you are the saviour of our people, whatever that means. And I believe that you have an important task to complete in your lifetime.”

“You really believe that?”, he asked her, full of wonder. Jesus was touched at how openly and how matter of course Rachel shared her thoughts with him.

“I can sense it. I sense that you radiate something that is good for me. And if it is good for me, then it must be good for all people, or? And I have also noticed a sadness in your eyes, as if in a dream. And the melodies you play on your flute are beautiful, but they always speak to me of longing and loneliness.” Rachel smiled at him.

“I always feel very lonely, even when I am among people. Even when I am playing with you guys.” Jesus gazed deep into her eyes.

“Jesus, tell me something about your feelings.” Rachel steadily returned the deep gaze of Jesus.

Jesus sensed that this moment had been arranged by his father in heaven. He sensed a heavenly power about him and began to speak.

“Regardless of where I was or with whom I spent my time in this life, I have always felt alone. I felt misunderstood, I had feelings that were so deep that I simply was not able to share them with others. After all I was not oblivious to the kinds of conversations people conducted with each other. I am aware of the fact that they could not possibly understand my feelings. And I have long been plagued by dark and hateful entities and grimacing faces that spit at me, that desire to hurt me, that insult me and curse me. It has been and still is a tough battle. That is why I so often play my flute. And why I often feel too weak to run through the alleyways with the others. And sometimes fears appear out of the blue regarding the future, regarding the task which I have taken upon myself …“ Jesus paused and teardrops fell upon the dry earth.

Rachel took his hand without saying anything. Instead she simply kept looking into his eyes.

“And these fears hurt so much they cause such deep pain that I would like nothing more than to run away and return to my heavenly father.”

Jesus was overcome by his feelings, but at the same time cherished this special moment. It felt good to feel Rachel’s hand.

“Jesus, I see dark creatures sometimes too.” Rachel gathered up all of her courage. “I don’t see their faces, but they are dark and do not feel good. It usually happens before I go to bed. But I have never told anyone about it before. And I have only started seeing these entities since you arrived in Nazareth. When Joshua collapsed I saw a whole bunch of them around him. And after Samuel had hit Joshua at your greeting celebration I saw five or six of those entities around Samuel. Only for a moment, but that was quite enough for me!”

Jesus was surprised that she had witnessed all of that. He could still recall the evening well on which the rabbi had beaten Joshua. Back then he had been aware of many grimacing figures that pointed at him, Jesus, laughing spitefully. Then they had proceeded toward Samuel who apparently could not resist the hatefulness of those entities. The fact that Rachel had also noticed this showed him that he was not the only one who had to deal with such perceptions.

All of sudden they were interrupted in their reflections by the sound of Rachel’s father, who was calling for her.

“Yes, yes, I am at the spring, father. I am coming already.” Rachel seemed sad that her afternoon with Jesus was coming to an end. “It was so nice here.”

“Yes, that it was “, Jesus replied. “Hurry up, otherwise you will get in trouble with your father.”

“Yes, I better go.” Rachel hurried away and soon disappeared behind some bushes. Jesus took out his flute and returned to the village, where there would soon be a nice meal, via a small detour.

He was really hungry this evening. And besides, he had to beef up for all of the challenges that he was soon to be facing.

Father, thank you for the talk I had with Rachel today. It was so good for me to have that talk. It showed me once again that you know all about my feelings and my troubles and send people my way so that I can sometimes share my burden with others. For this I thank you. Now I am feeling better I think. It feels good to be able to speak about the loneliness. Up until now I did not realize how strong this loneliness is. Will I always feel lonely like this?

Bakenor once told me that great souls always feel lonely. Why is that so? Haven’t great souls gathered more experience of your love? Surely they must have recognized you more than others?

Thank you for replying to me in my thoughts right away. Let me immediately write down your response so that I can finally understand this seeming contradiction.

As you just told me, great souls feel lonelier in darkness because they are used to a brighter light. And you said that great souls meet fewer trusted partners and likeminded souls in their lifetime than others.

Your response literally shines a bright light into my mind and soul. Thank you, father. Thank you.

∞

“Joshua, I am going to the synagogue now with Bealja. You are to do your writing exercises meanwhile. I will be checking them later on.” Samuel sounded very serious. “You hear?”

“Yes.” Joshua sat in a quiet corner of the courtyard with a piece of leather and wrote. Samuel had seen to it that scraps of leather were always brought to him in the synagogue. That ensured there was always enough writing material for the children, and most importantly, for Joshua. Joshua was tired and found that at the moment the only way to deal with his father was to obey. There was a lot of fear of course. His choice was between agreement and painful consequences. There truly was no other way. And he had had enough pain already lately. So he now preferred to concentrate on writing the Hebrew texts he had been assigned. Today he had to copy write down a passage from the book of Moses which he had memorized in the last few weeks. Unfortunately his father was very good at checking whatever he wrote for mistakes. Thus he had no choice but to do his writing. Normally this was easier for him to do than right now. He currently was having a very hard time putting up with his father. Why did he have to be a rabbi? Why couldn’t he have had maybe a potter or perhaps a craftsman for a father, like Jesus had? And why did his father always have to be so cruel?

To make matters worse he had just heard Rachel laughing and the other girls squealing gleefully. Wasn’t Jesus probably with them right now? Whatever. The children outside were having fun playing and he had to sit alone and do exercises. He saw his mother busy baking bread on the other side of the courtyard. Both of his sisters were helping her.

He was having trouble concentrating today. He hurried, for writing was quite easy for him by now. He knew better than to let his father know that he was able to write much faster then his father thought. This tactic, which he had come up with some time ago, greatly eased his dealings with the rabbi. And so he hurried up with his work and was finished very quickly. Although he could not put the leather aside because his father might exit the synagogue at any moment, at least he now had time to ponder other matters that crossed his mind.

He had not been able to forget the talk he had had Jesus under the olive tree. Jesus had spoken of people on other stars. Was he truly the Messiah, he wondered? Was he the chosen one, the one who was announced in the scriptures of the forefathers? How did a boy come up with the idea that there were other peoples living on other stars? He, Joshua, didn’t even know what things looked like outside of Nazareth. Even Sepphoris he only had heard others tell of, as he had to admit to himself. How then was he supposed to imagine whether or not there were people who lived on other stars? And the stars were so very far away. But it all seemed so matter of fact to Jesus. What did Jesus know that he wasn’t telling? Sometimes Joshua got the feeling that he did not know Jesus at all, although they had often conversed and already spent some time together. Of all the people he knew, Jesus radiated the greatest strength. The fathers of the village were very nice, but superficial. Only a few had a certain strength in themselves. He had already seen a few rabbis that had visited Samuel, but none of those radiated anywhere close to the level of strength that Jesus did, either. He was glad to have him as a friend. But he was hardly ever able to see Jesus because his father could not stand him at all. Did he even hate him perhaps? Had his father only assigned him these writing exercises to keep him away from Jesus?

∞

A usual the family of the rabbi was sitting at the table in silence, for no speaking was allowed during the holy meal of the evening. The only one who was allowed to break the rule was the rabbi himself, if he had something to say. And this evening he had a lot to say.

“I will be picked up by a messenger in a few days“, Samuel began. “He will accompany me to Jerusalem. The journey will take about three to four weeks, until I can return to you. The trip will require about a week just to get to Jerusalem, and another week for the way back. The high priest will have a lot to say to say to me and want to give me a lot of information regarding what to expect in Ephesus. Some emissaries will give me first hand accounts of the situation there. I do not know whether the current rabbi of the largest Jewish congregation in Ephesus will be present. By the way, you children may speak at the table today.”

“Of the largest Jewish congregation?” Sarah was astonished.

“Yes, I will be leading the largest and most important one of them.”

“Did Bealja tell you when we would be travelling to Ephesus?” Sarah wrinkled her nose.

“He said that I should prepare everything for departure when I return from Jerusalem. On the day I set out for Nazareth from Jerusalem a messenger will be sent to Ephesus in order to pass the message on to the current rabbi in Greece, that is, if he fails to show up in Jerusalem by then. I think that we will have about five or six more weeks in Nazareth after I return from my journey. After all I still have to find a successor for myself.”

There was silence, a tense silence, and then Joshua spoke up.

“Father, will we ever return to Nazareth?”

“I don’t think so. After all I am not the youngest anymore and the way is long. That large city will require my full attention. And for that reason I also need all of you with me in Ephesus. Earlier Bealja told me, that this city can hardly be compared to any other city that we know of. Only Rome, Alexandria und Antioch are larger than it. And all Jewish congregations in Ephesus are supposedly as large as those of Sepphoris, Nazareth and Nain put together. Can you imagine how much work awaits me there?”

Again silence was the only reply. Joshua was sad because he did not want to leave Jesus and Rachel. But if his father truly had so much work to do there, he would probably soon find himself being put to use as a scribe. And that was Joshua’s greatest wish.

“Joshua, I will need to use you as a helping hand in the future. While I have made you work hard, it was only in your own best interest. You know that. You will help me with writing tasks. Hence I expect you to do your writing exercises regularly while I am gone. Your mother is going to be checking up on you.”

Joshua was astonished that Samuel had seemingly picked up on his thoughts.

“And let me remind you: you are to stay away from that Jesus kid. Have you understood? I would find out about it anyway. And if I hear anything of the sort, then you are in for it. And you know exactly what I mean.”

“Yes.”

“Good. When the messenger arrives I will be departing in short order. This might happen in a week, or maybe in two weeks. Tomorrow I will head to Sepphoris and speak with the rabbi there, Abija.”

“Why are you going to speak with Abija?”

“Perhaps he knows of someone who might qualify as successor for me.”

“Wasn’t Bealja able to name a possible successor?”

“No. Bealja said that the high priest did not want to be bothered with it. He said it was my job.”

“Well, some of the men in the village would not be happy if someone from outside were to take over your duties here.” Sarah seemed worried.

“Let me be the one to figure that out. I will find someone for sure. And that someone certainly will not be from Nazareth. The people here are too stupid somehow anyway.”

“Samuel, that is not very nice to say.”

“Whatever, I think you know what I mean. Anyway, I think I am going to take a walk now, probe my conscience and consult with God.” Samuel stood up and went out into the night.

Samuel walked across the large meadow below the village, alone, deep in thought. He turned and cast his gaze toward Nazareth. Light shone from a few houses into the night. It was a pretty village. He would miss this place and the natural landscape here. And some of the people like Jeroham, the shepard and Jacob, the potter. He caught himself feeling glad that he would never have to see that Jesus kid again. That lout, that swollen-headed half-Greek, really annoyed him. But he was concerned about one thing. Joshua would be without fatherly supervision soon. And the way he knew his son, he would probably meet up with Jesus. He had pondered taking him along on his journey, but the way was arduous and dangerous. And what was he to do with Joshua when he had to meet with the high priest and the other emissaries? No, Joshua had to stay here. He would drum it into him one more time that he was to stay away from Jesus. And besides he would give him so much to write that Joshua would have plenty to do, yes, so much that he would not even have time for anything else. After all there were only about two months between now and when Joshua would be leaving the village. Jesus would not be able to do any more damage in this short time period and Joshua would most certainly forget all about him after a short period of time. Then he would begin to truly focus on his work instead.

So the best thing he could do was to stop thinking about Jesus. His heart warmed to that thought and he began to hum a happy melody. Samuel had to smile. He looked around for a moment, but no one was to be seen. No one could see him. Only God. And now he was going to thank God with a small sacrifice for the fact that he would soon be rid of Jesus.

∞

Then the day dawned on which a man arrived shortly before sunset, who had orders to escort the rabbi to Jerusalem. The messenger of the high priest was very tired. After a brief meal with the family of the rabbi he was shown to his sleeping quarters. There was a spacious room next to the synagogue in which travellers passing through Nazareth could stay.

The next morning, shortly before sunrise, Samuel and the messenger set out. There wasn’t much of a farewell since Samuel was averse to any such ceremonial show of feelings.

“Woman, watch out for the kids! Keep an eye on Joshua, as I told you to! God bless you.” Samuel put the supplies on the donkey which was to bear the load for him on this journey.

“May the lord protect you, Samuel. May you always be surrounded by the blessing of our God and may the winds of truth open a clear path for you.” Sarah nodded briefly at the other man and watched the two of them as they disappeared into the darkness before dawn.

Sarah went back into the house, sat down and enjoyed the mint tea she had prepared herself earlier. She loved mint leaves. They smelled so wonderful and the hot tea warmed her heart. Samuel was gone. And that for at least three weeks! Nothing like this had ever happened in the entire seven years that they had been married. She was looking forward to this time, for now she could relax some and regain a sense of joy in her life.

She let her thoughts go into the past, where they stumbled upon memories. Eight years ago Tamar, Samuel’s first wife, had passed away while giving birth to her second child, which also did not make it into this world. Samuel had been desperate, for Tamar had been his true love. Esther was two years old at the time and loved her mother more than anything else in the world. Samuel wanted a new woman by his side, if only for the child, for he himself was not capable of feeling the strong kind of love he had felt for Tamar anymore. Sarah was aware of that. One day Samuel entered the house of Sarah’s parents, who at the time still lived in Nain. Samuel said that he had asked the rabbi regarding a good woman for himself, and that the rabbi had sent him to their home. Sarah’s parents were deeply rooted in the Jewish faith and felt honored to have a rabbi ask for their daughters hand in marriage. After all she was already seventeen and thus of prime marrying age.

Sarah smiled when she thought about the moment when she first laid eyes on Samuel. He could have been her father, but the sadness which surrounded him caused her to develop some feelings for him. He was a handsome man with penetrating eyes and a pretty smile which alas she had not seen much of lately.

Yes, she felt sympathy for Samuel, she respected him, and yes, she felt physically attracted to him, for he had a muscular body, but she never had truly loved him, nor he her. People in Nazareth told her about Tamar, and up to this day she had not been able to rise above the shadow of his former wife. She had always remained second choice for Samuel, a compromise, but not a true love. And yet she was satisfied with her life, because she had wonderful children. Joshua and Judith loved her very much, and she also got along well with Esther. That was not to be taken for granted, she thought to herself and smiled. Also, she did not have to suffer privations and always had enough to eat. She was popular in the village, but what she lacked was the warmth of a man, the warming power of true love.

She sipped some more of her mint tea and laid down again on her lair, even though she had work waiting for her. Suddenly tears gushed from her eyes. She found herself crying harder and harder from one moment to the next. She cried and cried without noticing her children had become aware of it and then returned to their rooms. She cried the tears she had suppressed for seven years. After a while she fell asleep soaked in her own tears. She did not notice that another woman was sitting by her side and watching over her. Esther had fetched Miriam because she had been afraid of what was happening with Sarah.

∞

“Go to Jesus, he will be happy if you visit him.” Joshua was sent out of the house by Miriam. He needn’t worry about anything. She would watch over his mother.

Joshua immediately complied, but Jesus was not at home. So he proceeded to the olive tree up on the hill. He sought comfort from this mighty being. He sat down next to it and let his gaze wander across the valley, until it came to rest on Mt. Tabor again. He would miss this view when he was living in that other country. The tree as well and the whole little area up on the hill. And the beautiful melodies which caused him to slip away into dreams he would miss dearly. It was then that Joshua noticed that he was hearing the Jesus play the flute again.

“God bless you Joshua. I greet thee. How are you?”

“My father left for Jerusalem today and my mother cried all morning long.”

“Yes, she has to deal with a lot, doesn’t she?”

“Yes.” After a while he added: “I am sad that we will be leaving Nazareth.”

“Well, Nazareth isn’t really all that great, is it?”

“I will mainly miss you and Rachel. That is the worst of it for me.”

“Joshua, we will see each other again in this life time. Trust in that. I promise it to you. Let’s do as much as possible together these next few weeks while your father is away.”

“That isn’t possible.” Joshua paused.

“Why not?”

“My father does not want me to spend time with you.”

“So what! He will be gone for weeks.”

“He would find out.”

Jesus waited a moment before continuing the conversation. “Joshua, time is precious. Enjoy your time with me. We will have wonderful weeks together. You will be able to draw on this time later on in your life when you need strength or feel alone. Our family has been invited to a tour of the theater including a visit to one of the performances. Of course you can come along, one more or less is no problem. We will ask your mother whether she thinks it is o.k. After all my mother will also be coming along, so she can watch out for us. Isn’t it wonderful that this is all happening in the time when your father is journeying to Jerusalem?”

“You mean we are going to go to the theater in Sepphoris?” Joshua was speechless.

“Believe me, it is going to fun watching the people on stage and those sitting in the big circle. I should let you know that I enjoy watching people.”

“Hhmm. I'm not sure about all this.” Joshua was clearly afraid of something.

“Joshua, don't be afraid. I will ask God for his help, so that you will not have to worry about being punished. Trust me. What would you do today, if you were to die tomorrow?

“What kind of a question is that?”

“Just try and answer it, Joshua. What you would you do?”

“I would play with you and Rachel, speak with both of you, sit under the olive tree here and gaze at Mt. Tabor, and eat a bunch of cheese balls.” Joshua's feeling of dread had vanished and both of the boys laughed. Now they both simply sat next to each other quietly, enjoyed their companionship and gazed into the distance, where despite the bright sunlight they both spotted a bright light twinkling above Mt. Tabor.

Had Joshua belonged to the great holy lineage in a previous life? That would make sense, seeing as he seemed to have a greater level of maturity than Simeon and the other boys in the village. That was probably also the reason why he often seemed so sad. Speaking with Rachel a few days ago felt good. She is very happy and light. But being together with Joshua is also very rewarding for my soul. Although it is not as easy, it reaches a different kind of depth in me. I wonder whether there are more of the great holy lineage present in human bodies? What are they here on earth for? And if they are here, how will I be bale to recognize them? How can we aid and assist each other, father?

Thank you God for Rachel and Joshua being here in this place with me. Love them just as you love me. Amên.

∞

“Thank you mother.” Joshua was overjoyed. Sarah had just agreed to allow him to go on the trip to Sepphoris which was planned in a few days time. She was doing much better again.

“But you are to always stay close to Miriam. No going off on adventures just with Jesus, you hear?”

“Yes, mother. I promise you. Are you going to tell father about it?”

“No. He will have plenty of other things on his mind when he returns. I know him well. Joshua, my son, enjoy the next few weeks without him. I know that you have had a tough time lately. Do your writing exercises. I also know that you can write faster than you let on. I look over your shoulder now and then. But that will remain our secret.” She smiled at him knowingly.

“O, …“

“As a mother one notices many things. Sit down a few hours now, finish up your writing exercises, work ahead, and then you will be able to spend plenty of time with Jesus in the next few weeks. I think it is important for you to spend as much time as possible together.”

Joshua spent a lot of time with Rachel and Jesus the next few days. He visited both of them, who were usually near the well somewhere, every day after having finished his writing exercises. Jesus often played on his flute and Rachel listened to his melodies. Today Joshua met up with the two of them again after having completed his exercises.

“Nice of you to come, Joshua.” Rachel ran up to greet him. “Jesus is playing for me again. Isn't it beautiful?”

“Oh don't exaggerate, Rachel“, Jesus had to smile, “after all it isn't really all that special.”

“Jesus, have you asked Rachel that one question already?”

“Which question?” Rachel jumped up and down impatiently in front of them.

“I had asked Joshua a few days ago what he would do, if he only had one more day to live.”

“Well that is easy. I would be together with the two of you all day long and listen to you play flute.” Rachel laughed. “What would you do, Jesus?”

It took a while until he replied.

“I would wish for a celebration to which all children would be invited. I would laugh and dine together with you. Yes, there would also be cheese balls there, Joshua.” He laughed.

“And I would thank God every minute for the time I had been allowed to spend on earth and that I had gotten to know interesting folks like you, Rachel and Joshua.

“I will sure miss you.” Joshua was sad again suddenly

“I know, but we will miss you too. If we make a wish, maybe we can meet in our dreams.” Jesus wrapped his arm around Joshua.

“Yes, exactly.” Rachel was thrilled with the idea. “That is a great plan. Let's do that!”

“Are you already looking forward to our trip to Sepphoris tomorrow?” Jesus changed the subject.

“Oh, you bet I am.” Joshua laughed. “Today my mother gave me permission to go. How about you, Rachel? Are you allowed to come along?”

“Yes. Although my father says that it is not something for little girls, he let himself be persuaded my mom. In the end the mothers usually have the last word at home.” Rachel laughed.

“Almost always, just not in my home“, Joshua said wistfully and let his gaze glide over the hills of his home country. He knew that he would have many more opportunities to enjoy this view.

∞

Sepphoris was visible from afar since the town was located on a hill. Its outline resembled a bird that was taking a sunbath and enjoying life. The Romans were proud of the fact that Sepphoris had a grid street system, but many of the native Jews considered that system to be too artificial, with no relationship left to the bird after which the town had been named.

The small group of travellers had been on their way for about an hour. Finally the capital of Galilee was coming to view. Miriam had lived in Nazareth for a year now since her return from Alexandria, but today was the first time she laid eyes on Sepphoris.

“When we get into town I want all of you children to stick close to me.” Miriam was addressing Joshua, Rachel and her son Jesus. Jossi and Judah knew the town well already and were already considered to be grown-ups.

Since Miriam was an open-minded woman, she was looking forward to the new impressions the city held. The town had been burned to the ground a few months after she had returned to Nazareth. And what had been built up since then was a feat only the Romans were capable of, as Joseph said. Many foremen and construction crews and many more slaves had been as busy as ants in the last few months with the task of making the town even grander than it had ever been.

Now she had to think of something that had happened during her stay in Alexandria. Miriam had had a dream in which a bright being had appeared to her, which had informed her that she was to postpone her return to Nazareth for a few more months. She had not told anyone about this dream. Since then she had been carrying a burden and she was aware of the great danger hers on was to be in throughout his life on earth. The being of light had spoken of a dark power that would stop at nothing to attempt to slay Jesus before his time so that he would be prevented from carrying out his mission. Herod had had given the horrific order to kill all newborns back then, which is why the departure to Egypt had been undertaken quicker than originally planned. And this being had also informed her, that a second wave of violence was in planning and that it would take place in Sepphoris, the capital of Galilee, which was located only about an hour from Nazareth, where the family was to live again eventually. Joseph would look for construction work in Sepphoris and take Jesus along with him occasionally. Unfortunately what the forces of darkness had planned in this case could no longer be prevented from happening. So in order not to endanger the safety of Jesus, she was to remain in Egypt a few more months. She had only told Bakenor about it, so as to not worry anyone else. Since Joseph had always agreed with whatever she suggested, there was no problem there.

“Alright children, pay attention, we will be passing through the main gateway of the city in a moment.” Joseph brought Miriam back from her musings.

Miriam was excited, for she enjoyed seeing new sights and meeting new people. She had been looking forward to this trip to Sepphoris for along time. Although they had barely yet passed the town gate, many different fragrances already were wafting about them. The first fragrances to greet them were the smell of rosemary and thyme. They passed by a few narrow alleys where weavers, carpenters and potters had their quarters. Then they spotted a barrel-maker at work.

“Why does that man have a colorful cloth attached to his garments?” Joshua raised his eyebrows so much that Miriam had to smile.

“He is a dyer. The cloth he wears serves to inform others of his profession. Look, back there you can see a tailor. He has a bone needle attached to his garment, see? And over there is a carpenter.”

“And how can you tell what his profession is, Miriam?”

“He has a sliver of wood lodged behind his ear.” Miriam liked Joshua and his innate curiosity. He was a nice boy and obviously also a good friend for Jesus.

Finally they arrived at a large square full of countless people.

“The agora“, Joseph said. “That is what the marketplace is called in Greek, as I was once told by someone. I have heard that this one stretches a bit longer than most others.”

Miriam saw countless booths with various kinds of grain like wheat and barley. There were booths with bread, with the fine wine of Galilee which was even shipped as far as Alexandria. There were olives, grapes, pomegranates, dates and figs. Miriam could smell delicious baked goat cheese as well as stinking fish. As far as her eye could see there were booths and more booths. It had been a long time since she had been to the marketplace in Alexandria. While that one had of course been considerably larger, this market offered plenty of everything as well. Whatever one required could be found here.

Then they reached the area of the market which tended to attract women especially: the jewellery and clothing booths. Here in Sepphoris there were special offers as well as a high level of quality. She was surprised that the goldsmiths here also used integrated precious stones in their work. She loved gems and enjoyed looking at them although she had no desire to wear any herself. She would have only been given strange looks by here neighbours in Nazareth if she did anyway. They were keeping as low a profile as possible already regarding their true wealth. If the people of Nazareth knew how wealthy they truly were, their life would be made miserable by them. They had been given many precious gifts in Egypt for later on when Jesus would require means to finance his mission. Among them were precious stones. Wearing them here would only invoke the envy of the other women. Of course in Alexandria there would have been no such danger …

But what was most painful for Miriam to see was how many slaves there were in this town of Sepphoris. There were literally all over the place. Some were probably dressed as well as their lords, others looked unkempt and unloved. It had required great restraint on her part to tolerate the lifestyle of the citizenry of Alexandria without getting into arguments with them about it. Although Alexandria was located in Egypt, the city had a strong Greek orientation. Fortunately Bakenor was a wise man who shunned the superficial life offered there. He detested slavery as well as the excessive lifestyle in that largest of all cities. There were nearly 800,000 slaves, 50,000 prostitutes and only 150,000 free citizens among the one million inhabitants of that city. Thousands of travellers and merchants arrived there daily. Hence one could assume that the true number of inhabitants was even somewhat higher.

Miriam and Joseph bought fruit and some bakery goods dipped in honey. Then they sat down on a wall to rest a little while from their long journey.

“Father, what is the name of the play that will be performed at the theater when we visit?”, Jesus asked.

“I have no idea. You know me, I have a hard time remembering things like that.”

“Pardon me, may I interrupt your conversation for a moment?” A man with a long white beard stepped up to them. His garments had a few holes, yet aside from that he looked very neat and clean.

“Sure. Who are you?”

“My name is Daniel and I have lived in this city for a long time already. While I am a Jew, I have taken a liking to Greek philosophy. And since I just overheard your conversation by chance, I thought I would tell you about the play that is going to be performed today.”

“Oh yes dear sir, please tell us“, Rachel said impatiently, while still chewing on one of the honey pastries.

“It is going to be one of the works by the Roman poet Plautus. Tis said to be a comedy which goes by the title “The Glorious Captain“. Part of the play is set in Ephesus, a large city located in Asia Minor.”

“Ephesus? How interesting. This boy here will be moving to Ephesus in just a few months.” Miriam pointed toward Joshua.

“A beautiful city. I visited my brother there a few years ago He will surely like it there. A beautiful area, a large harbor and a huge temple, which is one of the wonders of the world, can be found there.” Daniel gazed into the sky dreamily. “But to return to the topic of the play: too bad that the lords of the city could not agree to show a play by one of the great Greek playwrights. For Sophocles, Aeschylus or Euripides, whose name I have only heard of recently, would surely offer more worthy material for an introduction to the potential quality of theater here in Sepphoris. And besides, the Greek language is far more melodic than Latin. But alas, Herod Antipas had his way and insisted on putting on a Roman play. Well, I have to get going now. Who knows, we may meet again if it is in our destiny. God bless you.”

“God bless you too, Daniel“. Miriam appreciated the kind and cultivated manner of the old man.

∞

In the afternoon, the family had to stop by the dressing rooms of the actors on their way to the theater, which was located directly next to the market. After all the doors were the handiwork of Joseph and his sons Jossi and Judah. He was hoping for the praise of his wife, and she immediately obliged him in that. The family was let in by the watchman, who led them straightway to the dressing rooms, although a few actors were already inside.

“You three truly did an outstanding job there“, Miriam said full of pride. “Although I do not know much about such things, I have to say that the decorations on the doors are truly wonderful.”

Jossi beamed, for that had been his part.

“The dressing rooms sure are huge. Are there that many actors?” Joshua was rather amazed.

“Well, it depends entirely on the play“, one of the actors present replied. “For example, today around fourteen actors and ten extras will be used. With that many people a certain amount of space is necessary of course.”

Joshua’s admiration grew. Unfortunately they all had to leave the dressing rooms now, however as the theater had already opened, they were now led into the main area and shown to their seats by the watchman. “There in the middle is the area reserved for Herod Antipas and his retinue“, the watchman suddenly began to tell them. “Farther up the wealthy ladies and gentlemen sit, who are sure not to miss any of the plays due to their boring life. Today this area back here is reserved for the builders of the theater and their families. These are what would be called seats of honor. Farther along there you see the large stairway. The common people sit above the platform over there. “How many people fit into this theater? Joshua was quite taken by the whole atmosphere of the place.

“The theater is designed to hold 2,000 people. It may be expanded to a capacity of4,000 in a few years. But for now the construction work required would take too long. The remaining 2,000 seats will be added gradually eventually. But the space necessary had already been included in the basic design“, the watchman said with pride, as if it had been his very own idea. “Well, I have to get back to work now. Enjoy the show!”

Joseph went ahead and picked a spot for the group of seven. He sat down first, followed by Jossi and Judah. Rachel, Jesus and Joshua joined them, with Miriam seated at the opposite end from Joseph.

“You will surely enjoy it, Joshua“, the mother of Jesus said. It is supposed to be a comedy, apparently. You might not be able to understand much of the dialogue, but simply by watching the actors and the people around you you will be able to follow along well enough. It promises to be a funny show.”

“Do you know Latin?”, Joshua asked.

“A little. We learned Greek as well as some Latin in the roughly five years we stayed in Alexandria. Out of us three, Jesus has the best grasp of the languages. You will pick them up quickly once you are in Ephesus.” She smiled at him. “Isn't it interesting that this play happens to take place in Ephesus?”

“Yes, but right now I don't even want t begin thinking about leaving here yet. Right now I could care less about Ephesus!”

The three friends were enjoying the fact that they were sitting in the theater together. Joshua was watching the many people as they began to trickle in. Eventually the trickle turned into a might stream. Rachel was fascinated by the stage, where some actors were already going hither and thither. And Jesus was on the lookout for Herod Antipas. He was curious about what such a ruler might be like. How would he look? What kind of manner would he have? He would most certainly be present for the performance today. Meanwhile it was getting louder and fuller every second. There were people sitting around them on all sides, and all of them seemed to be speaking at once. There was building sense of anticipation. Then suddenly someone was standing in the middle of the stage. The figure waited a few moments in silence. From where they were seated it was only about twenty steps to the stage.

“Look over there, Jesus, that must be the first actor. Look at how he is dressed. Is it a man or a woman?” Rachel was very excited.

“No Rachel, that isn't an actor, that is…“

A loud voice interrupted the excited cackling of the audience.

“Citizens of Sepphoris, builders, Romans, friends. I, Herod Antipas, ruler of Galilee and Perea, greet you on behalf of the Roman Empire today here in the capital of Galilee. This is a very special day for Rome, as the construction of this theater was completed only recently, a few weeks ago. The Roman emperor is keen on ensuring that his citizens are well entertained. A theater here in the capital of Galilee was long overdue. And since this theater was built by Rome with the assistance of many local construction craftsmen – let me hereby express my sincere gratitude to those among them present today – today's performance will feature the work of a Roman poet. It is my pleasure to announce that the play "The glorious Captain" by comedy playwright Plautus is to be performed momentarily. It will prove to be very entertaining, even if many of you are unable to understand Latin. In the future the works of Greek poets will feature more frequently. However I wish to stress that elements of Roman life will always be interspersed into the program here. Well, enough words for now, and may the play begin! Salve.”

“…Herod Antipas. That is Herod Antipas.” Jesus' gaze was fixed on the ruler in a peculiar way. The ruler in turn proceeded toward the group, surveyed the audience and seemed to dwell with his gaze on Jesus. Then he sat down quite calmly on his throne four rows beneath them and directed his attention toward the performance.

Joshua watched Jesus from the corner of his eye. Jesus seemed to be in a different world all of a sudden. He gave Miriam a nudge and nodded toward Jesus, but she merely shook her head gently.

“That happens to him now and then. He sometimes goes into a kind of trance and is can not be addressed for a few minutes. Don't be concerned. He will return to us shortly.”

Jesus surveyed the first few minor scenes as if in a dream. He fixed his gaze on the stage setting. But what came next constituted the greatest pain that his soul had ever felt. He was incapable of moving, could not even make a sound. Fortunately breathing was an automatic process, otherwise he would have suffocated right then and there. Tears welled up from his innermost being. Tears and then more tears, pain and then more pain. He kept on seeing those ugly faces that mocked him and spat at him. If Jesus had been able to stand up, he would have run out of the theater straight away.

It all started with a man running across the stage who was chased by Roman legionnaires, first to the right, then to the left, then to the right again. Countless times, without pause. This man was playing the role of one sentenced to death by crucifixion. He was already carrying a horizontal beam as he was being chased through the town setting of the play. His arms were splayed across the thick wooden beam which extended all the way out to his wrists. Rome loved to have this kind of background element in its stories. The emperor was fond of displaying his power this way. The man appeared again in several intermittent scenes. In the last scene the man was nailed on the cross and observing the action of the play from that perspective, occasionally offering ironic comments on what was going on below him. The performance of such evil deeds was awful enough as it was, but the fact that the audience rejoiced in such depictions the more they saw of them was more than horrible.

Jesus had fallen into depths from which he was only able to emerge once the audience had risen and was applauding the performers at the end of the play. The sheer volume of the noise then allowed him to return to the here and now.

“What was the matter, my son?”, Miriam asked him with great concern, since her son had been sitting as if in a trance for over two hours. She shook him a little. “Jesus?”

She was able to guess that the play had caused some sort of turmoil in him. If she had known that such scenes were going to be shown in it, she naturally would have refused to attend the performance. But alas, she had not been able to predict any of this. After all, it had been announced as a comedy. Joseph noticed that Miriam had to take care of things now, so he took his two sons as well and Rachel and Joshua with him. They proceeded to the stairs a few yards away and waited there.

“Mother, am I going to be crucified?” Jesus was still in another world to a certain degree, although he was slowly becoming aware of the world around him again.

“Jesus, I do not know. Alas, I do not know. But as you are aware of yourself, there is something you must do which will be very difficult. Many things can happen along the way, but please don't think about such a terrible thing for now. Think about a couple of nice weeks in Nazareth together with Joshua und Rachel, until your friend has to depart. That is all that counts right now.”

Fortunately Jesus had enough energy to walk the whole way back to Nazareth. It even felt good to move and to process what he had seen. Rachel was especially good at brightening his mood. She kept on excitedly raving about the beautiful costumes. And she was happy that Jesus had regained his footing somewhat. He would probably be able to fall asleep easily tonight. Miriam felt she could not speak to anyone about the talk she had had with Jesus, not even with Sarah, for it would have been to awful to have to tell Sarah what kind of a play she had taken Joshua along to see.

God, I can not write anything today. I am simply too shocked still. Please, don't let it be that I am crucified ever. Please don't …

∞

Jesus had a very restless night. He dreamt of a narrow bright path which he walked along. But also of dark entities that attempted to pull him down into the abyss on the left and right of this path. They were able to get even closer to him than they usually were able to, however they were not able to harm him as long as he concentrated on God, his heavenly father. He awoke bathed in sweat in the early morning hours. He felt very hot and was in pain. He tried to pray in order to reduce the pain somewhat.

Now images that had been conjured by his visit to the theater began to swarm his thoughts. Jesus saw himself walking alongside his teacher Bakenor in Alexandria along the palace avenue toward the Mareotis-Sea. He recalled the morning and what Bakenor had told him that day: “Jesus, I want to inform you about some elements of your future life. You are now four years old, however your consciousness is older than the planet upon which you are walking. Even if you do not quite grasp what I am about to tell you just now, your soul will hear my words and they will rise to the surface of your awareness in the future and be of assistance to you then.”

They were just crossing a bridge that led over a canal. “Can you see the settlement over there?”, Bakenor asked without expecting Jesus to reply. “That settlement is inhabited by the Essenes. This Jewish brotherhood was founded some three hundred years ago on the shores of the salt sea in the country of your forefathers. And many of these holy men relocated to Alexandria some time later. There they built a similar settlement. Their goal was to prepare your life path and your mission on earth. The ancestors of the original Essenes were natives of a planet in a neighbouring solar system. Those natives are known as the great holy lineage. That people was sent by our heavenly father to aid the people at home on this planet of ours. You have already gotten to know some areas of this city that in which darkness prevails. The same kind of situation also exists on this planet. Although the sun shines so brightly in the sky and brightens our lives, there is unfortunately a dark power here that wishes to seize control of everything. But now you have arrived, ....”

Bakenor paused for a moment and Jesus could tell how difficult it was for him to continue with his explanations.

“But now you have arrived, in order to divide the light from the darkness as if with a mighty sword. I too am one of the Essene. It was my task to prepare you for your future life. All Essenes have incarnated for this one purpose, for your life, for your mission. By the way, the name Essene has its root in the name Essnar, who maintained the connection between the ancestors and the Essenes here on earth. Around three hundred years ago the Essenes began to write down the universal truths which they had received from their ancestors. they also began to distribute them for the benefit of future generations, for these truths had to become known so that you, the eldest son of the light, would find it easier to convince humanity of your teachings of the loving heavenly father. This copying of the teachings took place mostly nearby the salt sea, while the training of the Essenes was mostly done here in Alexandria.” Bakenor paused to gaze at a passing boat.

“Even if the true teachings of the Essenes and their star brethren has been watered down or even misinterpreted over the centuries, the true teaching of the Essenes nonetheless still has the most valuable content compared to other groups that are around these days. You will continue to be in contact with the few remaining true Essenes in the future, however I have to tell you something. You have to learn to ignore the strictness of some of thee members of this brotherhood, for the forces of darkness are naturally trying to disrupt and sabotage these preparations. Hence there are some among the Essene who take an almost identical view of rituals and interpretation of the scriptures as the God of your ancestors. They speak much of punishment and of the end times, but you, Jesus, know best how are loving heavenly father is in reality. many of the Essenes these days no longer carry the spirit in them with which this brotherhood was founded. But don't forget that the star brethren, the great holy lineage is always watching over you from on high. You will hear from them from time to time or possibly even spot them as a small point on the horizon.”

Bakenor tossed a flat stone over the water of the lake, which sank down after skipping on the surface a couple of times. “One more thing. In the next couple of years, before you have developed your full potential of consciousness, there will be some moments in which you will feel overwhelmed and may have a hard time coping. Those moments will be premonitions and reflect a deep knowledge regarding your future. No one else will be able to understand this, however your soul will be opened more and more by these experiences. It won't be easy for you in those moments, yet they will be important for your entire development. Jesus, you are chosen. Your life will not be easy, you will often have to fight against the angels of darkness, but they will not prevail. Let yourself always be guided by your father in heaven. And remember all that I have told you today.”

Jesus was suddenly shaken by a violent cramp and screamed out loudly. Immediately his mother rushed into his room, sat down next to him and placed her healing hands on his hot and sweaty body. After a few minutes, when Jesus had recovered some, she left and prepared him some warm milk and honey. When she returned and wanted to give him a kiss, she saw that he had already fallen asleep again.

The following two days Jesus und Joshua did not see each other, for Jesus was lying in his bedroom, shaken by feverish fits. On the third day Joshua went to the house of Jesus again. He wanted to inquire of Miriam regarding the condition of Jesus, but then to his surprise and joy he was greeted by his friend Jesus himself.

“Joshua, nice of you to come by.” Jesus appeared to be stronger again.

“Jesus, what happened?” Joshua was still shocked when he thought about the long journey from Sepphoris back home.

“That is a long story, Joshua. But also a short one. Do you really want to know?”

“Well of course. After all I am your friend.”

“Good, then let's first find a quiet spot somewhere in the courtyard.”

Joshua followed Jesus into the inner courtyard and sat down next to him in the shade.

“I experienced my future life while sitting in the theater. I experienced, what kind of difficult times I will probably have to endure in the last couple months of my life.”

Joshua went pale. “You beheld your future? And now you feel better about it?”

“Yes, Joshua. I am aware that I have a difficult life ahead of me. Although I am only about seven years old, I feel older than seven already. Can you understand that?”

“Hmm“, Joshua was so amazed at the clarity with which his friend, who was even a year younger than him, spoke of his future life. He himself had not spent a lot of time thinking about such things yet. The only thing he was worried about was that he had to leave Nazareth soon. But he was not concerned about what his task in this life was or what he could expect, much less, when he would die. He was not even sure about what dying meant.

“Jesus, what exactly did you experience?”

“I saw that I would travel in various countries when I am older. There I will be prepared for my work. Then I saw how myself travelling in my home country and not being understood by anyone here. They even tried to throw stones at me. I spent much time in Galilee and before that also quite a while in …“ At that moment Jesus stopped and wondered whether he should already let Joshua know that he would be living in Ephesus for a few years as well. He had had a vision in the theater of how things currently looked in that city. It had become clear to him that part of his mission involved being in Ephesus for some time.

“Please continue, Jesus. Where will you spend some time as well? In Jerusalem?”

“Yes, there too.” Jesus paused again, but then decided to let Joshua know. Perhaps it would help him get over the pain of goodbye. “Before I travel in Galilee and Judah, I will spend some years in Ephesus.”

“What?” Joshua was utterly amazed. “Why exactly in that city? We have hardly ever heard anything about this city so far and there must be many others. Why are you gong to be spending time in that city?”

“Because our father wishes this. He told me that the task in Ephesus was very important.” As usual Jesus spoke with great clarity.

“Jesus, I am very happy. Then we can go to the theater together.” Joshua was delighted beyond belief.

“Yes, Joshua.” Jesus refrained from telling Joshua that it would be over two decades till that time arrived. Perhaps Joshua would have forgotten about him by then, for he was not going to have an easy life in that city. He had witnessed this during his vision in the theater, which he naturally had not told Joshua or the others, and did not wish too, either. He suddenly felt very tired and asked Joshua to leave. They would see each other again tomorrow.

The last couple of days have been the worst in my life. Father, I ask you from the depths of my soul: Will I be crucified? Will I have to undergo all that pain? If yes, do I really have to take on this mission? I can already sense your answer, while I am writing these words. Why can't I just lead a normal life like everybody else?

Father, please help me and think it over again. I can't write anymore today since I am feeling too weak today.