Читать книгу William Walker’s First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story - Matt Rudd - Страница 20

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, ‘Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?’

The vet examines the tail and says, ‘But look here, there’s nothing wrong with his tail. Why do you want it off?’

The man replies, ‘Because my mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think she’s welcome.’

I deserve some sort of recognition. A plaque? But all Johnson and the other blokes want to know is if I managed to consummate the marriage on the night (‘None of your business but yes’), and the girls only ask about the dress (‘It was white’), the confetti (‘Yes, there was some’) and the honeymoon (‘I don’t want to talk about it’).

Then they all see I’m not wearing a wedding ring.

‘You’re not wearing a wedding ring.’

‘No.’

‘Want to keep your options open, do you?’

‘No.’

‘Why aren’t you wearing one then?’

‘Because it’s not traditional for men to wear jewellery. And I don’t need to wear one to make sure I’m faithful. Our relationship is based on a bit more than a meaningless bit of platinum. And I looked stupid with a ring on.’

Can’t wait to get home to my wife. Got home and she’s out with bloody Alex. When she comes back, she says, ‘Well, why aren’t you wearing one?’

‘We’ve already discussed this a thousand times. It’s not traditional for men to wear jewellery.’

‘Not traditional in your family.’

‘I’ll wear one if you want.’

‘It’s up to you but I think it would be nice. You know, I’m really, really proud to wear my wedding ring.’

This is something Isabel is good at: twisting an argument so that what a minute ago sounded fair and reasonable coming out of your mouth sounds like something about as acceptable as kitten-stamping. If you were cynical, you’d interpret this as manipulative. I know Isabel though: it’s only 20 per cent manipulation, 25 per cent misguided reasonableness and 55 per cent being typically female.