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to… Katie Philpott

cc…

re… hello, new girl

Hi Katie. I’m James and I’ll be your account manager on Mako. Dan Westbrooke has asked me to keep a close eye on you. I’m up to my neck organising this afternoon’s Mako meeting (usual bloody panic), but I’ll clock in with you later. In the meantime, enjoy reading the attached. It was penned by some anon. copywriter and has been handed down through generations of trainees. It tells you all you need to know about how your typical agency works (or rather, doesn’t).

Attachment …

CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER – some CEOs have been known to have a brass sign on their desks that reads THE BUCK STOPS HERE. This is either a misprint or a bare-faced lie. It should say THE BUCK STARTS HERE. The CEO is in the highly responsible position of having to designate the mug who will officially carry the can for whatever mire the agency has landed itself in. All he/she needs for this are a comfy and ergonomically designed swivel chair, an internal phone list and a nice, shiny pin. Decisions, decisions …

HEAD OF CLIENT SERVICES – sounds grand, and so it should because this title was invented as compensation for those witless account directors who will never, ever make CEO. They have no power whatsoever, but if they begin sentences with ‘as Head of Client Services …’ often enough, it will make them think that they do. This title also impresses at cocktail parties where no advertising people are present.

ACCOUNT DIRECTORS – Light bulb joke #1:

Q – How many account directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A – ‘How many would the client like it to take?’

This tells you all you need to know about account directors.

CREATIVE DIRECTORS – All creative directors are Useless Tossers. This fact has been established in a number of clinical trials. It doesn’t matter how good they were before they were creative directors (and, no kidding, some of them were certifiably brilliant), the moment they settle into that palatial corner office with the wide-screen TV and Bauhaus furniture, they assume the mantle of Useless Tosser. This phenomenon has baffled the few scientists who give a shit, which to be frank, isn’t many.

CREATIVE TEAMS – Legend has it that the modern copywriter/art director creative team was invented in the sixties by the advertising luminary Bill Bernbach. This is bollocks. In fact it couldn’t be more bollocks if it were wrapped in a soft leather scrotal sac and suspended between the hind legs of a bull. The truth is that the first team actually paired up after seeing the notorious David Bailey shot of the Brothers Kray. Upon inspection, this visionary twosome figured that if they, too, dressed in black and looked well ’ard, it would serve to scare anyone from account management off, who had the temerity to suggest ‘a few little tweaks’ to their work.

Lightbulb Joke #2:

Q – How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A – ‘Fuck off, I’m not changing a thing.’