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Acknowledgments

I could not write this book or even breathe freely without the help of my family and my good friends. My mother, who passed away in 2002, helped me in every way imaginable, as a guide, a safety net, a source of inspiration. My sisters, Mary Pat, Maureen, and Madeleine, are consistently centers for hope and laughter, as well as concrete help. They have done everything for me whenever I have needed it— physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually.

My brothers, Paul and Bill, teach my boys through their example that fathers can be good and kind as well as gentle. Paul, especially, helps me and my sons in so many ways every day that I can never thank him enough. He is my closest friend.

Though my father passed away before any of my sons were born, I know that Papa Bill would be proud of me. I feel his presence every day and I know we have his blessings.

My dear friends have done more for me than I could have ever hoped. Dana Halsted, my former college roommate and soul mate, helped me to heal, as I was emerging from hiding, as I began to tell the truth. My close friends Caryn Brooks and Sue Schmidt always listened.

Though my writing group began in 2001, after the initial publication of this book, I am a better and more honest writer because of Elizabeth Berg, Veronica Chapa, Nancy Horan, Arlene Malinowski, Marja Mills and Pamela Todd. Writing about oneself honestly is a most difficult task.

To the staff at Sarah’s Inn in Oak Park, where I went with my three children for six months in 1995 to sort through the ordeal of leaving a violent relationship, I am exceptionally thankful. I am attempting to give back as often as I can to that wonderful organization. I felt some nights that just by driving to Sarah’s Inn, my boys and I would be okay. I have begun to work on the advisory council for Between Friends, a Chicago domestic violence services agency, that is committed and courageous, thanks to Kathy Doherty.

To all the students at Medill who have come to me and thanked me for writing this book and giving them encouragement to speak their own truths aloud, I am grateful. To all the women and men I have met through my writing as well as speaking engagements, writing workshops and virtual spaces, I thank you all for your soothing words of comfort. I thank you for your applause and your shared laughter. I understand your tears, and I thank you for trusting me with your secrets. To those of you who have shared your similar stories, I thank you for your honesty.

This book could only happen because of the people in my life who helped me to finally open my eyes, see the truth, and live honestly: my friends, too far-reaching to name them all, my family, and my children. Some friends’ names I have changed to protect their privacy, though their support is ubiquitous.

This book is also for all the women I can never know. I pray they will read these words and know they are not alone. I pray they know they can not only survive, but live their dreams. All things are possible.

Card received on our fourth anniversary, August 23, 1990

Dear M,

My notion of love is swallowing the impulse to attack for the sake of what you might need. This love is not concerned about who is right as much as it concerns what you need and what I need. I think I went into this relationship with the embedded notion that love never has demands which leave me vulnerable. So when your needs left me so, I attacked. I had been helpless for so long I had no other response. That is changing. And that is what I believe is significant about our fourth year together.

In this past year I learned I will be a great success. I believe that as much as I believe you will be a great success. It’s always seemed more obvious with you. But I’ve learned to love myself and that is your most precious gift to me. You have taught me my self-worth to a great degree. I will begin to repay you now with a steadily improving, increasingly uplifting marriage.

I love you. I love being married to you and I commit myself again to this beautiful life with you.