Читать книгу Real Hope, True Freedom - Milton S Magness - Страница 16
ОглавлениеGregory’s Story __________________
Gregory had always been fascinated by technology. He loved computers and the access they granted him to the Internet. As a researcher for a top pharmaceutical company, he worked long hours staring into computer screens. By accident, he discovered pornography and found that he liked having brief diversions throughout the day. He rationalized that he was able to concentrate better after he indulged in what he called a bit of “recreational Internet use.”
His world began coming apart when he was summoned to human resources and presented with a printout showing the number of hours he had been looking at pornography over the previous four months. He was astounded to learn that he was averaging more than five hours a day on porn sites, and some days as much as seven hours—all of it on work time.
Gregory has been out of work for the past two months and hopes to be able to get back into research with another company. Now, his days are spent searching the Internet for a job. To break up the boredom of that task, he occasionally seeks out pornography sites. He says that porn is not really a problem and that he can quit it if he wants. Gregory was appalled when his wife found his pornography stash on their computer and suggested that he may be addicted. He is sure that he is not an addict and has promised to stop.
Many, many people like Gregory believe that pornography is not harmful. They maintain this belief in spite of losing jobs, relationships, and self-respect. When evidence of their out-of-control behavior is presented to them they excuse it as a temporary problem.
According to Porn Hub, in 2015, 4,392,486,580 hours of pornography were viewed on the Internet. Pornography was streamed at a rate of seventy-five gigabytes per second. That’s the equivalent of filling all of the available storage space on all smart phones sold in 2015 with pornography. Further, nearly 88 billion pornography videos were viewed. Averaged out, that’s enough for every person on Earth to view twelve porn videos!19
The Barna Group conducted a nationwide survey for ProvenMen.org20 (a Christian-based organization) that included 1,000 households in the US. Ninety-two percent of those beginning the survey agreed to continue to the targeted questions. Here are some of the highlights of the study:
• Approximately two-thirds (64 percent) of US men view pornography at least monthly.
• The number of Christian men viewing pornography virtually mirrors the national average, and Christian men watch pornography at work at the same rate as the national average.
• Broken down by age:
Eight in ten (79 percent) men between the ages of eighteen and thirty view pornography monthly.
Two-thirds (67 percent) of men between the ages of thirty-one and forty-nine view pornography monthly.
One-half (49 percent) of men between the ages of fifty and sixty-eight view pornography monthly.
• One-third (33 percent) of men between the ages of eighteen and thirty either think that they are addicted or are unsure if they are addicted to pornography.
• 18 percent of all men (approximately 21 million) either think that they are addicted or are unsure if they are addicted to pornography.
• More than four in ten men (44 percent) believe they should either view pornography less often or were unsure if they should view it less.21
What about you? How often do you view pornography? How many times have you tried to stop and failed? How many times have you promised your wife that you would quit only to be caught again in the same behavior?
Pornography can destroy your life. The more a person watches it, the more he feels he needs it. This is the essence of the addiction dynamic. The phenomenon of tolerance builds as images/videos that previously satisfied are no longer good enough. Immediate pleasure becomes more illusive over time. Images that once repulsed a person may become the norm as he searches for the perfect image to feed his fantasies as they progress. Satisfaction is increasingly difficult to come by and ever more short-lived.
Some men search for hours for a video that satisfies their particular sexual desires. They may employ programs that crawl the Internet in search of pornography that they save and catalog on multiple hard drives totaling many terabytes. Some have collected more pornography than they could view in a lifetime yet they continue searching, hoping to find some pornographic offering that will make them feel whole. Sadly, some of those who use such programs have been arrested for possessing child pornography, even though they were unaware their pornography crawlers had saved this illegal material.
Pornography can have such a hold on people that some lose job after job due to accessing porn at work. Others forfeit educational opportunities because pornography monopolizes their time and attention. Married men may be so addicted to pornography that they no longer find being sexual with their wives satisfying. It is often shocking to women to find out that their husbands are addicted to pornography because they express little or no desire to be sexual with their wives.
Recent research indicates that teens and young adults use pornography more than other groups. Young adults, ages eighteen to twenty-four, are both more likely to actively seek porn regularly and more likely to come across porn more often. Fifty-seven percent report seeking out porn at least once or twice a month, compared to 37 percent of teens, 43 percent of older Millennials, 41 percent of Gen-Xers, and 17 percent of Baby Boomers.22
Some people try to argue that pornography can be good for relationships or that within certain parameters pornography has value. Others say that pornography is helpful in that it can be a tool for sex education. A growing amount of data proves this is not the case.
The pornography industry has coalesced around themes of violence and female degradation.23 Rather than educating people about healthy sexuality, pornography depicts sexuality as being base, degrading, and abusive. It is no wonder that people of all ages who regularly consume pornography have distorted views of sexuality.
A study was conducted of 487 college men between the ages of nineteen and twenty-nine to see if the pornography themes of violence and female degradation guided their sexual experiences. The results of the study indicate that the more pornography the men consumed, the more likely it was that they would request their partners to participate in activities they viewed. The study also found that the men would deliberately conjure up those pornographic images to maintain arousal during sex, and that the greater the use of pornography, the less the men enjoyed sex with their partners.24
Two additional studies were conducted that involved nearly 2,000 college-age men. The study wanted to see if pornography had any impact on the practice of “hooking up”—that is, engaging in casual, high-risk sex with relative strangers. The studies found that the greater the study subject’s use of pornography, the higher the incidence of hooking up.25
Is addiction to pornography different from sex addiction?
The short answer is no—addiction to pornography is simply a form of sex addiction. Sometimes people try to minimize their behavior by saying they “only” have an addiction to pornography. Sex addiction has many expressions and can take many forms. It is progressive and one type of sexual acting out often progresses to another.
Those who believe their addiction is not as bad as that of other people because their compulsive behavior has thus far been confined to viewing pornography need to take a more objective look at the consequences of their actions. Sex addiction, even when confined to viewing pornography, results in many of the following losses:
• Loss of integrity and transparency. Sexual acting out takes place in secret. In chasing an increasingly illusive “high,” sex addicts descend into a world of secrets and hidden behaviors. They build a world filled with lies and deceit to cover their compulsive sexual behavior.
• Loss of or decrease in intimacy within a committed relationship. Partners of sex addicts often complain that there is little or no mutual sexual expression. Once sex addiction has been discovered, partners of sex addicts are genuinely perplexed, for their partner was not being sexual with them.
• Loss of time. As sex addiction progresses, more and more time is spent in pursuit of gratification through acting-out behaviors.
• Loss of self. Sex addicts are often filled with feelings of shame and regret. Promises are made to oneself that problem behaviors will not be repeated—followed by the repeated breaking of such promises. Feelings of self-loathing may predominate sex addicts’ thoughts. These feelings spill over into relationships with partners, children, coworkers, and friends.
• Loss of community. Isolation is one of the hallmarks of addiction. In order to get the time needed to engage in acting out, sex addicts gradually pull themselves away from people with whom they were once close. Often, they have no true friends.
• Loss of connection with one’s children. Sex addicts are often mentally and emotionally absent, even when they are physically present with family.
• Loss of interest in things that once brought joy and pleasure. Hobbies and other interests are common casualties of sex addiction. Many sex addicts complain that they are overworked and do not have time for the things they enjoyed in the past. In truth, the voracious appetite of their addiction has stolen their availability.
• Loss of serenity—individually and within the family system. Any semblance of internal peace or serenity is displaced by preoccupation, cravings, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. Peacefulness in the family is replaced by quarreling or stressful silence. Tension is present whenever there is an active sex addict in the home. Children may think they are unloved because sex addicts seem to be on edge whenever they ask questions. Partners may feel marginalized because sex addicts are consumed with themselves and their own interests.
• Loss of reputation (sometimes). The consumption of pornography, while usually done in secret, often becomes public when discovered by others. Coworkers and wounded partners may take delight in telling others of the disturbing images discovered. Teachers, physicians, clergy, and other helping professionals lose credibility when their pornography viewing habits are made public. Some cannot continue in their chosen profession because of the damage to their reputation.
• Loss of jobs (sometimes). In an age where companies carefully monitor employees’ computer use, it is still surprising that many people continue to take the risk of viewing pornography at work on company computers. Even those who use their own electronic devices find that employers take exception to using company time to indulge in pornography.
• Loss of freedom (sometimes). There are people in prison today because their pornography use included child pornography. Possessing child pornography is against the law, and local, state, and federal law enforcement continues to engage in campaigns to protect minors from exploitation and abuse. Targeting those who use child pornography is one of the tactics used in this battle. As of this writing, California enacted a law (AB-1775) requiring therapists to report clients who report viewing even one image of child pornography. Other states are now considering similar legislation.
The unfortunate aspect about these laws is that people who seek the help of therapists to get free from sex addiction may place themselves in legal jeopardy if they discuss having viewed child pornography. To counter this, therapists who treat sex addiction are amending their informed consent agreements to warn clients that such admissions will result in a mandated report to the appropriate authorities.
• Loss of life (sometimes). As losses mount, depression grows. Some sex addicts become acutely desperate as the consequences of sex addiction mount and their world crumbles. Suicide may seem like a way out, and some people take their own lives. If you ever feel that the solution is to end your life, reach out to a therapist, call 911, or contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you are outside the United States, go to www.iasp.info or www.befrienders.org.
Trying to draw a distinction between sex addiction and “only” being addicted to pornography is another form of denial—a futile attempt to convince oneself and others that the addiction is manageable and benign. Sex addiction is a monster that wants to consume everything that is of true value.
Can pornography cause erectile dysfunction (ED)?
While there are no scholarly studies or definitive research to indicate this, the experience of many sex addicts is that there is indeed a link between their erectile difficulties and their consumption of pornography. These individuals report that while they are able to get an erection and masturbate while looking at pornography, they cannot get an erection with their partner. These reports come from young men as well as older men.
An increasing number of therapists and physicians report that their patients suffer from erectile dysfunction with no identifiable medical reason for it. So far, there are no studies that can prove that pornography causes erectile dysfunction. But we do know that 30 percent of men eighteen to thirty years of age complain of erectile dysfunction.26 While there may be a lack of empirical data that proves pornography can cause erectile dysfunction, there are numerous online forums where young men openly discuss their pornography use and the difficulty they have being able to be sexual with another person.
Those who suffer from erectile dysfunction will want to seek out the help of a urologist to rule out any physical/medical problems. In the absence of research that verifies a link between pornography and ED, we are left with the experiences of many sex addicts who report a return to normal erectile function after getting into recovery and stopping all pornography use.
Can pornography harm my marriage?
Many partners have told me (Milton) that they feel their husbands are being unfaithful by looking at pornography. This is difficult for many men to comprehend because they feel that, as long as real people are not involved, they are not being unfaithful. During disclosures, it often comes out that men whose acting out is confined to pornography use and compulsive masturbation are having very little sex with their wives.
These women are frequently shocked to find out that there was a lot of sex going on—selfish, self-satisfying sex—that doesn’t involve them.
As this manuscript was being prepared to go to press, professors Samuel Perry and Cyrus Schleifer from the University of Oklahoma, presented the results of a longitudinal study on the effects of pornography on divorce, to the American Sociological Association. Their research sought to learn whether those who began using pornography during the study period experienced any difference in divorce rate compared to those who did not use pornography. They found that, “Beginning pornography use between survey waves nearly doubled one’s likelihood of being divorced by the next survey period, from 6 percent to 11 percent.”27
Contrary to how many people rationalize their use of pornography, it is not victimless. Although some of the women and men portrayed in pornographic pictures or videos participate voluntarily and profit from it, many who participate in the porn industry are looking for a way out of their problems and are desperate enough to subject themselves to degrading circumstances. They may be addicted to drugs and need money to feed their addiction. Some live in parts of the world where human life is cheap and they can never hope to make more than a few dollars a day. The promise of what may be more money than they have ever seen to participate in pornography can be a powerful lure.
It is common for those who participate in a single pornographic film or video to be so devastated from the degradation and loss of self-respect that they quit the adult film industry altogether. Yet, the damage has already been done to their sense of self. They cannot take back the images of themselves, now forever on the Internet; forever fearful they could be discovered in the future by someone they love.
Pornography passively promotes prostitution. Even though much of the pornography available today can be viewed for free, the models used to produce pornography are generally paid for sexual acts—this is the heart of prostitution. Viewing any pornography supports an industry focused on exploiting vulnerable women, men, and children. It is interesting that even some people who are the most vocal in denouncing the exploitation of others will minimize the contribution they make with regard to victimizing others through their own use of pornography.
19 Porn Hub, “2015: Year in Review,” January 6, 2016, http://www.pornhub.com/insights/pornhub-2015-year-in-review.
20 J. Hesch, “2014 ProvenMen.org Pornography Addiction Survey,” ProvenMen.org, 2014, http://www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/pornography-use-and-addiction/#addiction.
21 Ibid.
22 Barna Group, “Teens & Young Adults Use Porn More Than Anyone Else,” Research Releases in Culture & Media, January 28, 2016, https://www.barna.com/research/teens-young-adults-use-porn-more-than-anyone-else/#.V-MAjzsXb-0.
23 C. Sun, A. Bridges, J. A. Johnson, and M. Ezzell, “Pornography and the Male Sexual Script: An Analysis of Consumption and Sexual Relations,” Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45, no. 4 (2016): 983–994, doi:10.1007/s10508-014-0391-2.
24 Ibid.
25 S. R. Braithwaite, G. Coulson, K. Keddington, and F. D. Fincham, “The Influence of Pornography on Sexual Scripts and Hooking Up among Emerging Adults in College,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 44, no. 1 (January 2015): 111–123, doi: 10.1007/s10508-014-0351-x.
26 A. Mialon and A. Berchtold, “Sexual Dysfunctions among Young Men: Prevalence and Associated Factors,” Journal of Adolescent Health 51, no. 1 (July, 2012): 25–31.
27 Samuel Perry, et al., “Till Porn Do Us Part? Longitudinal Effects of Pornography Use on Divorce,” paper presented at 111th Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association, Seattle, August 22, 2016, http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2016-08/asa-bpu081616.php.
