Читать книгу Real Hope, True Freedom - Milton S Magness - Страница 17
ОглавлениеTHE PROGRESSION OF SEX ADDICTION
Julian’s Story __________________
Julian did not set out to become a sex addict. He remembers learning to masturbate at age ten after a classmate told him how. He was soon masturbating daily and multiple times on some days. Julian did not see his first pornography until he was almost out of high school. He said he was hooked from the first video he watched and could not seem to get enough.
When he married at age twenty-three, Julian was sure he would be able to stop masturbating and viewing pornography. For a few years, he seemed to have his sexual desires under control. He and his wife had an active and satisfying sex life.
Julian stumbled onto a website that had classified listings of people who offered sexual services through spas, massage parlors, modeling studios, and photography studios. On a lark, he decided to take his camera to a photography studio, hoping he could take photos of a nude woman. Instead he found the studio was just a cover for a brothel, and that day he engaged his first prostitute.
Trying to keep this new behavior to a minimum, Julian determined that he would not spend more than $100 a month on it but soon he was finding ways to stretch his budget and was making multiple visits to prostitutes each month. Recently, Julian was arrested after he agreed online to pay for sex from a girl who said she was sixteen but was very mature for her age. Subsequent to his arrest, Julian’s wife filed for divorce. He is now awaiting trial being charged with the solicitation of a minor.
Not every sex addict will progress to illegal behaviors. In fact, most sex addicts do not ever commit a sexual offense—that is engage in sexual behavior that includes rape, incest, or sex with minors. Yet, the reality is that sex addiction is a progressive chronic intimacy disorder in which the addictive behaviors, the amount of time devoted to the addiction, and the risks taken generally escalate over time. One sexual behavior often leads to another and sometimes to whole new categories of acting out.
Sex addiction frequently takes a person to a depth of depravity and personal degradation that he or she would not have believed possible. As the addiction progresses addicts stand on a precipice, measure the jump, and invariably underestimate how far they will fall.
At the risk of offending Shakespeare enthusiasts, “To masturbate or not to masturbate. That is the question.” The recovery community is divided on whether masturbation is a problematic behavior for sex addicts. Sex addiction therapists are also in disagreement as to whether masturbation can or should be a part of life for a sex addict who is in recovery.28
There is a lot of talk about whether masturbation for sex addicts is healthy or not. If your spouse is all right with masturbation and you are both open about it, is it okay?
Partners would certainly prefer their sexually addicted partner masturbate rather than engage in sex with other people. Early in recovery, both sex addicts and their partners may not have any problem with masturbation.
With masturbation, one partner uses sexual energy on himself or herself that could be focused on the couple. When I ask recovering couples how often they have sex with each other and whether the frequency is about right or they wish it were more or less frequent, most respond that they wish they were sexual more often. In virtually all of these couples, before recovery the sex addict was masturbating several times a month to as many as several times a day, with most addicts endorsing masturbation two to three times a week. The easiest solution for these couples was to eliminate or significantly reduce sex with self so the available sexual energy can be focused on the relationship.
Partners of sex addicts may suggest that masturbation is okay when fantasizing about the spouse. However, sex addicts are still objectifying and reducing their partner to a sex object. It’s important to be aware that sex addicts in recovery often struggle with their thoughts to keep fantasy—even about one’s partner—from leading to other forms of acting out.
As a sex addict, how do I determine if masturbation is healthy or not?
Proponents would say that masturbation may be healthy if fantasy is not the fuel for it. Others would say that it is healthy if it only happens with a certain frequency. Still others suggest that masturbation is fine so long as pornography is not involved.
One of the core beliefs of sex addicts is that sex is their most important need. Looking for rationalizations to continue to masturbate is another expression of a sex addict’s need to keep the focus on sex. Preoccupation with masturbation is indication enough that this activity has elevated importance.
Is masturbation helpful in maintaining healthy thoughts or does it exacerbate problem thinking—as characterized in the twelve-step phrase, “stinking thinking”? Has masturbation led to greater sexual intimacy with your spouse or caused you to isolate more?
Occasionally, chronic masturbation leads to physical problems, such as premature ejaculation (PE). In such cases, simply discontinuing masturbation may not be enough to correct PE. There are numerous approaches that may help PE, including applying a small amount of benzocaine or other topical anesthetic to the glans of the penis.
It’s important to have your condition evaluated by a urologist to rule out any medical problems and learn about medical options, including taking certain medications used for treating depression (like SSRIs, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) that have the side effect of inhibiting sexual arousal. A next step would be to see a sex therapist knowledgeable about sex addiction. Sex therapists can suggest other options that may be helpful in treating PE.
In recovery from sex addiction, when is masturbation considered a relapse?
Sex addicts in recovery must decide what behaviors are problematic for them. There are twelve-step fellowships (like Sexaholics Anonymous) that strictly define any sex outside of a marriage, including masturbation, as a breach of sobriety. Other fellowships encourage each sex addict to define sobriety for himself.
There are advantages and potential pitfalls to each approach. There is structure and a degree of comfort in having the fellowship or group determine what is healthy and what is not, including what constitutes a relapse. Sometimes the members of these fellowships adopt positions that closely parallel religious teachings familiar to them. As a result, they perpetuate a taboo or “thou shalt not” approach to some forms of sexuality that made these activities more attractive in the first place and may have been a factor in the development of sex addiction for some.
Critics of twelve-step fellowships that give each member the responsibility to determine for himself or herself what is healthy or unhealthy, and in turn what constitutes sobriety, rightly point out the potential to use such personal definitions to avoid accountability.
Ultimately, each person has to take a candid look at masturbation and the extent to which it enhances or hinders his recovery. Regardless of what twelve-step fellowship one attends, each recovering person has to decide for himself or herself how recovery will be approached.
When it comes to sex addiction, questions concerning same-sex acting-out behaviors are common.
I just found out my husband has been having sex with men. I am more devastated by this than by learning he’s had sex with many female prostitutes. How can I compete with a man? Does this mean my husband is gay?
It sounds as though your husband’s sexual behavior has been focused on heterosexual acting out until recently. It is entirely possible that rather than being gay your husband has continued pushing the boundaries of his acting out trying to achieve the same neurochemical high he experienced in the past but can no longer get from his old behaviors. Some heterosexual men progress to sex with other men seeking avenues of acting out that are novel or are more “forbidden” to heighten the rush they get.
With substance addiction, through the continuing use of alcohol and other drugs, addicts develop a tolerance so that over time an ever-increasing amount of the drug is needed to produce the same neurochemical high. Similarly, sex addicts have to continually ramp up the intensity of their acting out in order to get the high they seek. For example, sex addicts who concentrate on pornography may start out with porn that primarily depicts nudity and the suggestion of sexual behavior. This may progress to harder core pornography that includes actual and varied sex acts, and then to pornography that graphically illustrates various fetishes. A sex addict may gravitate toward images that once disgusted him in order to produce the desired level of sexual excitement.
Occasionally, I hear women express relief in finding out that their husbands were acting out with men. Regardless of whether a spouse sees same-sex acting out as more or less harmful to the relationship, it is important for couples in this circumstance to get help from a sex addiction therapist to work through the complicated issues involved.29
Does sex addiction lead to homosexuality?
There are no studies to even suggest that this could be true.
Does past sexual abuse impact gender preference in sex addiction?
Sex addicts who were sexually abused as children may reenact the trauma they experienced through their sexual acting out. Those abused by someone of the same sex may reenact those sexual experiences later in life, and yet not have a physical attraction to people of the same sex.
Trauma reenactment occurs subconsciously. Sometimes trauma victims seek to repeat their exact trauma. It is crucial that people caught up in reenacting their traumatic experiences get help from a skilled therapist to work through these repetitive compulsions.
My husband condemns inter-racial relationships, same-sex relationships, and viewing child pornography. Now I find out these are his acting-out behaviors. Can you explain this contradiction?
It sounds like your husband is torn between beliefs he learned early in life and attractions he has developed. As noted earlier, when sex addiction progresses addicts pursue forms of sexual acting out that are different or more “forbidden” to heighten the high they get. It’s also helpful to understand that one of the ways people try to deflect attention from their own behavior is to loudly condemn the same behavior in others. Additionally, your husband may think that his condemnation of these behaviors will help him to stop them.
If indeed your husband views child pornography, it is imperative that this behavior stops immediately. If he is in possession of child pornography, even a single image or single video, he runs the risk of being arrested and prosecuted.
Some people may confuse the term sex addict with sex offender. This unfortunate misperception only adds to the stigma surrounding sex addiction and prevents many people from facing their addiction. Sex offenders are individuals who have committed actual crimes, such as involvement with (including viewing) child pornography, sexual behavior with minors, sexual assault/rape, or incest. However, sex addiction is very different from sexual offending and the vast majority of sex addicts do not ever commit a sexual offense. Of course, there are occasional examples of sex addicts who have committed sexual offenses. Moreover, most sex offenders do not meet the clinical criteria for sex addiction. Rather, sex offenders tend to have deep-seated mental disorders that require specialized treatment and continual monitoring throughout life.
My husband is a sex addict and now I am worried he may harm my teenage daughter. Is she at risk?
Although there is no correlation between sex addiction and sexual offending, in the abstract, it is impossible to know whether she is at risk or not. Is she a biological daughter or a step-daughter? Statistically speaking, it is less likely for a father to perpetrate on a biological daughter. However, since you raise the question of risk, have you noticed any specific behavior on the part of your husband or your daughter that makes you concerned?
Your job as a parent is to protect your children from harm. If your concern continues, you may want to consult with a professional. Healthy boundaries between your daughter and your husband are important, including appropriate dress and avoiding any sexual talk or jokes.
The progression of sex addiction is fueled by factors that include denial and self-deception, minimization, terminal uniqueness, and procrastination.
Sex addicts lie—a lot. They lie to their spouses. They lie to their other family members. They lie to their friends. Often, they even lie to their therapists. But the greatest lies are the lies they tell themselves. Addicts of all varieties have advanced skills at self-deception. For a sex addict, lying to oneself is as common as lying to others.
Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that helps protect people from too much anxiety and emotional pain. Denial is different from dishonesty. Denial operates at an unconscious level outside of one’s awareness, whereas people know when they are lying or otherwise being dishonest. In our society there is stigma attached to every form of addiction. No one wants to be thought of by others, or admit to oneself, that he or she is an addict. Addicts live in denial as long as they can deflect the truth about their addiction. Even when faced with evidence of their addiction, sex addicts typically do all within their power to deny it—to themselves as well as to others. They may even deny they participated in particular behaviors when irrefutable evidence to the contrary exists.
Minimization is another defense mechanism sex addicts employ. Through minimizing sex addicts attempt to discount the frequency and severity of their acting-out behaviors. They may compare their behavior to others and conclude that they are not “as bad” and therefore are not sexually addicted. For example, those who act out with pornography may respond that they are not sex addicts because they have not been sexual with people. Those who act out in strip clubs or massage parlors may claim they are not sex addicts because they have never had an affair. Sex addicts who have had multiple affairs may believe they are not sexually addicted because they have never paid for sex.
Even after sex addicts get past their denial and minimization and begin to come to terms with the reality of their addiction they may resist going to twelve-step meetings, working with a therapist, entering treatment, and engaging in a process of recovery, believing they are “not like other sex addicts.” They may think they are smarter, not as depraved, or more disciplined than other sex addicts.
When they finally agree to get help, many sex addicts continue to struggle with denial, minimization, and resistance. If a therapist recommends inpatient treatment, a sex addict may believe that his uniqueness qualifies him for a shorter or less intensive treatment program. When he does begin attending twelve-step meetings and hears about the importance of getting a sponsor, he believes he doesn’t need one. If he does get a sponsor who strongly suggests following the standard recommendation for those new to twelve-step recovery to attend ninety meetings in ninety days to help establish a foundation of sobriety, he concludes that he only needs to attend one or two meetings a week. Such individuals want to believe they are so special that they can figure out a better way of doing recovery than following a program that has worked for multitudes of other people.
The term used to describe this condition in twelve-step programs is “terminal uniqueness.” This is another expression of the narcissism that contributed to the development of their sex addiction. Sex addicts have to work through these faulty beliefs before they can fully engage in recovery.
When will recovery begin? Or for those supposedly in recovery, when will they get serious enough to take the actions necessary to change their attitudes and behavior and stop their acting out more permanently? The Spanish word mañana best captures the procrastination of some sex addicts. Although the word can be translated as tomorrow, it is understood that action is being put off until sometime in the unspecified future. That may mean tomorrow but more likely it will happen considerably later. In order to overcome their procrastination, many addicts need to be confronted directly with the consequences of putting off taking action toward recovery.
Sex Addiction’s Relationship to Other Forms of Addiction
Further complicating sex addiction is the fact that it may not occur by itself. Addicts may have significant challenges in other areas of life. Alcohol and other drug addiction may co-occur with sex addiction. Some sex addicts struggle with gambling, eating disorders, shopping or spending addiction, or addiction to video games.
A desire to escape is a significant contributing factor in the development of addiction. Addiction Interaction Disorder is a term introduced by Patrick Carnes, PhD, to describe a condition where various forms of addiction are clustered together. His research indicates that addictions not only coexist but interact with one another.30
When multiple forms of addiction are present, addicts may focus on one at a time. If sex addiction is getting out of hand, they concentrate on stopping the sexual acting out while their addiction to gambling becomes unmanageable. If alcohol or other drugs are seen as the primary problem, sex addiction may go unchecked until the negative consequences of acting out force them to refocus.
Some twelve-step meetings for alcohol or other drug addiction may discourage members from speaking about sex addiction in those meetings. Sex addiction may be present and even be the primary addiction for many alcoholics and other drug addicts but may go undetected because the emphasis is on staying away from booze or other drugs. Some twelve-step meetings focusing on alcohol or other drugs may wink at addicts taking the so-called “thirteenth step” of hooking up with other members of the group for sexual liaisons. So long as members do not drink or use other drugs, they are considered sober or “clean.” Such singleness of purpose may allow sex addiction to go undetected.
28 For a more complete discussion on masturbation, see the chapter “Day 27: The ‘M’ Question,” in M. Magness, Thirty Days to Hope & Freedom from Sexual Addiction: The Essential Guide to Beginning Recovery and Preventing Relapse (Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2010).
29 www.findachfp.com, www.sash.net, and www.sexhelp.com list therapists who specialize in working with sex addicts and their families.
30 P. J. Carnes, “Bargains with Chaos: Sex Addicts and Addiction Interaction Disorder,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 12 (2005): 79–120.
