Читать книгу Real Hope, True Freedom - Milton S Magness - Страница 8

PREFACE

When people ask me what kind of work I do, I’m never quite sure how to respond. And when I do (always as briefly as possible), they often squirm in discomfort. On occasion when a man has asked me follow–up questions, I’ve simply handed him my card and suggested he look at my website. Then, if after looking, he’s still interested, he can give me a call. As you may have guessed, those calls never come. The term sex addiction makes them uncomfortable.

The topic of sex addiction makes us all uncomfortable. Especially if we don’t understand what it means (and does not mean), how it starts in one’s life, how it impacts the lives it touches, and how to heal the wounds that usually fostered it in the first place.

Maybe I should simply introduce myself as a story bearer. We’ve all seen torchbearers for the Olympic Games on TV. But instead of a flame, I carry women’s stories tucked in the recesses of my heart. Hearing these stories and carrying them in my heart has taught me many things. I’ll share some of those lessons as I answer the many questions women have submitted for this book. But I want to share three of them here.

Pain Does Not Bow to Psychological Criteria

Women’s stories have taught me that the psychological criteria used to diagnose sex addiction do not matter to the heart. When your life is shattered because the one to whom you’ve entrusted your heart has sought emotional or physical gratification outside your relationship, you really don’t care whether a professional would label him a “real sex addict.” Fairly regularly, a new woman will say to me: “The counselor gave him a test and told him he is not a sex addict; does that mean I shouldn’t hurt? Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?”

No, there is not something wrong with you. When vows, commitments, and treasured connections are violated between a man and his partner, it hurts. It makes no difference to a broken heart whether or not his behavior meets the required diagnostic criteria for sex addiction. Loss is loss. Pain is pain. And it’s all experienced as trauma, with or without a professional’s blessing.

There Are Treasures in the Trauma Chest

Treasures in the trauma chest? Are you crazy? I can almost hear women thinking these words as we approach this topic in groups. Granted, it’s an idea that may come further along the healing path for some than for others. Yet, many women realize fairly early on that buried beneath all the heartache, loss, and change their partner’s addiction brought to their lives, there are buried treasures.

What might those treasures be? Most gain a new understanding of themselves, their gifts, their strength, their courage, their tenacity, as well as their ability to love, to forgive, and to dust themselves off and begin again. They gain the ability to allow others to have their own feelings without losing their own peace. They gain the ability to grow healthy boundaries. And they gain empathy they could never have known without this shattering experience. Strikingly, couples who make it to the other side, still together, all say they have gained a relationship they would never have known if they’d been spared this challenging journey.

An Opportunity for Adventurous Growth

While most of us can compare this “adventure” to falling down the rabbit hole in an Alice-in-Wonderland-like experience, once the disorientation clears, with the help of a guide, we soon realize we must roll up our sleeves and go to work building new emotional muscles. If we’re to survive, and to eventually thrive, it’s going to require hard work and growth!

This is my favorite part of being a story bearer. I’m given the joy and the privilege of being invited into women’s stories as they begin to write a different future based on their new growth. And as the weeks pass, I have a front row seat as they grow and strengthen new emotional muscles.

Most can only see their growth and progress in the rearview mirror. But in time, all realize how far they’ve come. And some even say it’s been worth all the pain for what they’ve gained from this devastating experience.

My sisters on this journey are amazing. And so are their stories. What a privilege to be granted a season of sharing in their stories and lives, then to carry them in my heart for the rest of my days.

These are just three of the rich lessons being a story-bearer has taught me. My hope for you, dear Reader, is that as you keep taking baby steps along your own trajectory of healing and growth you will make these—and many more—discoveries. And, that in the bottom of your trauma chest you too will find beautiful buried treasures.

Marsha Means