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Hajai Gulalai

When I went on the hajj, we walked around the Ka’aba. God said that this is His house and we can come here to apologize and be forgiven.

Haji and Hajai are terms of respect for men and women, respectively, who make the hajj, a ritual-filled pilgrimage to Mecca required of every devout Muslim who can make the journey.

I met Hajai Gulalai in the middle class, former Soviet apartment complex of Macrorayan in Kabul. Overstuffed furniture filled the room where we talked. Prints of idealized natural scenes hung on the walls in ornate gilt frames. Even though we swept back the heavy curtains, the room remained dark.

Hajai Gulalai came from an educated family. Although they lived in the conservative town of Jalalabad and belonged to a prominent Pashtun tribe, her father made sure that all of his daughters were educated. Gulalai graduated from Jalalabad High School and taught the Pashtu language at Kabul’s Aisha Durrani High School for 20 years. She married, as a second wife, while she was a teacher. She stopped teaching when the civil war became too dangerous, and she and her family fled to Pakistan. She now lives with her husband, two sons, the older son’s wife, and their daughters, her granddaughters.

Peggy: What are your best memories from your youth?

Hajai Gulalai: The best memory of my life was going on the hajj. I went last year with my youngest son because my husband was sick at the time and I had to go with a maharam. On that trip, I kept comparing the Arab countries with Afghanistan and I felt like I was in heaven.

Peggy: Tell me about the hajj. What did you do and what was it like?

Hajai Gulalai: First, we put on the traditional white clothes and made seven trips around the Ka’aba seven times. Each seven times counts as one set and between the sets, we gave offerings or prayed. If someone is really old and can’t walk, one time counts as a whole set. If someone is young and strong, they can go around as many times as they please. We took a break in our hotel, and after 2 pm we walked around it more. The next day, we went to Mount Arafat and walked for seven or eight hours in the areas where our Prophet lived and experienced his miracles. The next day we went to the Ebo Stone⁴ and sacrificed a goat.

Peggy: Of all of your hajj experiences, what was the most important and meaningful?

Hajai Gulalai: This experience made me believe in God more. I’d read stories about the Prophet, but when I went there, the truth of God was given to my body and mind. I learned a lot about Islam and my faith became stronger. The historical places that we visited from Mohammed’s life gave me a real experience of Islam and a different view of my religion. The other best part was to feel forgiven and to forgive.

Peggy: What hope do you have for the future of your life and for Afghanistan?

Hajai Gulalai: I have a vision of peace and freedom for the future of Afghanistan. God should take the Taliban away from us. I want Afghanistan to develop in peace. It is especially hard for the parents who stayed in Afghanistan and whose children went abroad. Those children should come back so they can live together.

Peggy: What do you have to say to people in the West?

Hajai Gulalai: I’m very thankful for the United States and other countries that are helping Afghanistan. What hurts me the most is that sometimes people just walk in the streets of the provinces, and the foreign soldiers capture them, put them in prison, and hurt them. Foreigners should not inflict violence against Afghans because they cannot understand them. They cannot know who is bad and who is not.

Peggy: What is the most important part of Islam for you?

Rabia: For me, Islam is about serving humanity and helping people, because God says he can forgive anything you do to him. For example, if you pray to me instead of Him, He can forgive it, but if you do something to his creatures, He will not forgive you. If you hurt someone, God will not forgive you, but if you help someone, God appreciates it. That’s why I think I have to help people. In that way, God will be very satisfied with me. I have to serve my family, myself, my people, and the world.

Sahera Sharif: Islam is a social religion; it’s about how to build a good community. It is good, broad, and covers everything in our lives. Unfortunately, when there are rules that affect men and women equally, the men in our society only address the rules toward women.

Hajai Gulalai: Honesty and not lying. Not harassing or punishing anyone without good reason. Offering prayers five times a day, and keeping God in front of you all the time. I know that God is here and whatever I do, He will see all of it. The day is coming when we will die and will see God face-to-face.

Belgheis: I think it’s important to look for common ideas among all religions because there are many. It’s important for me to be kind to other people. We should work together, form good relationships, and not just think about ourselves. I think it’s very good to be concerned about society.

However, now we see some very bad events, especially in Iran, that are actually not part of real Islam. My father is a mullah; he studied Islam, but he doesn’t like the Iranian government and the form of Islam that governs [there] and mixes politics, economics, and business with Islam.

It’s difficult to know what Islam says, because during different periods it changed and each time it has taken the color of that time and place. I can’t say that I’m a real Muslim because there are some things that I disagree with, but I try to follow the aspects I like.

I’m satisfied because I have my prayers and all day, I have the time to be quiet and contemplate. Everyone needs some moments like this. All day we work and worry and keep busy. In our solitary times we can try to connect with peace, quiet, and kindness. That makes me happy and relaxed.

Meena: I believe in praying five times a day, and for me, hijab is very important. But I think that being clean in your heart makes the biggest difference, whether or not you keep the hijab. A really good Muslim woman would have a clean heart, be a kind person, and be honest with her family, her community, and everyone.

Peggy: What is the most important part of Islam for women?

Setara: As a woman, I like my hijab and I feel very comfortable in it. The burqa is not hijab. This is also in my poem.⁵ Additionally, under Islam, women cannot be forced to marry someone. Many women are forced here, but it’s not part of Islam.

Shakilla S: Islam appreciates mothers and helps women. They say that under the foot of women is heaven, which means that women must go to heaven because they give milk to their children.

Saleha: There are many laws in Islam that support women. For example, since breastfeeding is not a duty or a responsibility, women can ask to be paid for doing it. A woman can ask for payment even for breastfeeding her own children. There are many things like this in Islam that support women.

Ramzia: If the men obey Islam, it has very good points for women. When a woman has a baby or when she breastfeeds, the husband should hire a woman to work for her. And during this time her husband shouldn’t shout at her.

Peggy: How long does that last?

Ramzia: Usually it lasts for two years. Afghan men don’t like this and don’t do it, however. For 40 days a new mother should rest and get strong. She should eat good food like chicken and meat. The new mother must have good food three times a day, sometimes four. She also should stay in the house. If they work in the government, they give them three months’ holiday.

Shakila: Islam requires both men and women to take responsibilities. Islam supports women and families, but in some ways it doesn’t. Both men and women are required to take care of their children, but in different ways. This is good because life is about sharing and it gives them a shared responsibility.

However, I don’t like the part that says a man can take away their children if he and his wife separate, even if he is the one to initiate the separation. The women have no choice in this and it doesn’t depend on their situation or what anyone wants. It’s just the rule. But there are many interpretations about these kinds of things.

Suraya: Women and men have equal rights, but the rights are not the same. They cannot be the same. Women have a right to study, learn, and teach. For example, the Prophet Mohammad’s wife, Aisha, was very bright and a good teacher to the men. That shows me that if you are qualified, you can do anything; you can even teach the men. Everything that Mohammad did was an example for us. When some of the people and mullahs don’t let girls have an education, it is not from Islam. Also, in Islam, you don’t have the right to beat women.

Batool: I think Islam gives men and women equal rights, but it’s not practiced. There is a sentence in the Quran that says a man can beat his wife, but it should not be painful. What does that mean? The mullah says, "Yes, you can beat them," but I think it’s our misunderstanding of Islam. Although Islam has many things that I don’t accept as a Muslim, my problems with it revolve around the misunderstanding of Islam, and how the mullahs misuse their power.

Anisa: I think that in teaching Islam, there should be more emphasis on showing the reason rather than just following blindly. It doesn’t matter what you are I think that in teaching Islam, there should be more emphasis on showing the reason rather than just following blindly. It doesn’t matter what you are:open-minded, in the middle, or close-minded; whatever you do it’s going to look bad to one of them, so we should make our own decisions.

Dr. Yacoobi: Islam is a democratic religion. It provides women with many rights. It provides kindness, equality, and a fair share. However, people are taking away those rights in the name of Islam. I feel that if women can read, write, and think critically, then they can ask questions and nobody can abuse them because they will be able to respond logically with what is right and what is wrong.

Additionally, Islam is not against education for girls. People who say that are ignorant. My father was illiterate but he allowed me to get an education, and he wasn’t unusual.

Peggy: What part of your belief in Islam has helped you the most?

When I asked this question, Siebewal flew into a rage. She showered my translator with a torrent of anger while I sat and wondered how I’d offended her.

Siebewal: [Crying and angry.] In Afghanistan, all people are Islamic. But all during the fighting, the people who made a problem for me, who killed and injured my family, and who stole from me all claimed to be Islamic. If we really are Muslims, then we would never kill, steal, or do things against others. Afghanistan is an Islamic country, but there are no Muslims here!

Shakila: Islam encourages my commitment to my family. We each have a responsibility to the other. Because I have this commitment, because it’s part of my belief and part of my life, I can really enjoy life in Afghanistan. When I improve myself and have a commitment to other people in my life, I can help them improve, too.

Ramzia: All parts of Islam help me, but prayer helps the most. If I’m angry, sad, or nervous, praying and reading the Quran soothes and calms me a lot.

Anisa: First, the Quran itself helps me whenever I recite it. That’s what I do during my morning prayer and before I go to bed. It helps me calm down after a busy day.

When I was in the United States, wearing the scarf was a big deal and everybody would ask me about it. I got used to it and after a month, I knew all the questions they would ask. It made me find out the answers. When I returned, I went to the mullah I had known in Iran and asked him all the questions others had asked me. He thought it was very strange that I was asking questions and that America had changed me; he thought I was doubting my beliefs. I stopped asking him, but I kept reading books. There are many religious people like him who think it’s wrong to question.

I like the tradition of wearing the scarf, though, because it’s something the Quran asks us to do, and it makes us different from others. Our Prophet Mohammed wanted us to differentiate ourselves from the rest. I like that. I love everything about the Quran.

Zakiya N: I think it’s important to respect one’s parents. Children today don’t respect their parents as much and are more concerned about their own lives.

Suraya: Honesty. Whatever I do, I think, "God is watching me." You cannot hide anything from God.

I also believe that all humans are the same. Only God is higher than us. I do not like people who don’t respect a cleaning person or a servant. At work I respect the cleaner as much as I respect the director, because I respect someone on the basis of their behavior, not position. For example, I don’t like a person if they are fine to me but do wrong to someone else. Having good manners and good relations with people means a lot to me.

Peggy: How did you learn about Islam and how has your thinking about it changed?

Saleha: When I was very young, I attended religion classes but they never taught us the reasons behind what we were learning. In high school, I met some teachers who demonstrated those religious values. Now, I apply those principles in my life and have experienced that they are really true.

My religious beliefs haven’t really changed much. When I was younger I only thought about them; but now I’ve discovered them for myself. I’ve found that sometimes the obligations and limitations of Islam are good, but it depends on how they are carried out. For example, I think that the requirement that nine-year-old girls should fast during Ramadan is cruel. It’s important to be a nice person, so those duties should be carried out in a nice way.

Anisa: After our third year living in Iran, I went to a week-long summer program that taught us about the Quran and other things in our religion. We were all nine and ten years old, and there were a lot of activities for us. I enjoyed it.

Peggy: There are Quran schools and camps for girls as well?

Anisa: Yes. When I was in Iran, there were many.

Peggy: Was it a good experience for you?

Anisa: Yes, it really was, because it helped me understand a lot more. My younger sister didn’t get to go because we were already in Afghanistan by the time she was old enough. I kept all my materials and my books, so I taught her and we did the activities together. When our relatives wanted private time inside the house, I would go outside with her and teach her.

Peggy: When I heard other Afghan people talk about Iran, they said the Iranians taught by forcing students to memorize things without understanding them. They said that if students asked questions, they’d be beaten. Was that your experience?

Anisa: There are very poor schools that punish the students like that. In those places, they would hit the students on their hands with rulers, but that didn’t happen at our school. I really liked how they taught us. From the beginning, they trained our brains for memorization. We practiced study skills for six hours every day. We have a saying that if you lay the first brick in a house crooked, the walls will go up crooked and the house will not last.

Zakiya N: When children are young they usually follow their families’ thoughts on religion. After that, they need something to help them understand it deeply. In my own case, I don’t believe what my parents believe, because I have researched and arrived at different conclusions. I found my own way.

Rabia: I love Islamic society when people follow true Islam. I don’t rely on [secular] society’s idea of Islam because most of the things they say differ from what the Quran says. I studied Islam in school and have read the Farsi translation of the Quran. I found that a lot of the things that the mullahs say are not mentioned in the Quran. I’m not a strict person, but I like to study the Quran and I have my own views and opinions. My dad used to teach the Quran to me when I was little.

Setara: I was born into a Muslim family, making me a geographic Muslim first. During the Taliban, I had this idea that I had to know what the so-called "real Islam" was that I saw in the government. So I started studying Islamic books, and I saw Islam to be something else. Now, I’m proud as a Muslim, but also very sad. Why don’t I have the rights that Islam gives me?

Peggy: What else do you have to say about Islam?

Marzia: What I like about real Islam, not what we are practicing, is that it’s a religion that cannot go too extreme; it’s always moderate. I’m not a religious person, but I learned some things about Shia beliefs when I lived in Iran, even though I am Sunni. I can read the Quran in Arabic without any translation, but when I look at all the things that Islam or our Prophet says, it’s always what you would do anyway if you’re a smart person. Nothing in Islam seems extreme to me.

Zakiya N: Islam has many good things, but we Muslims don’t implement them. Islam says one thing, but Afghans are doing something different. That’s why many people in the world think that Islam is bad. They think that because Muslims [here] are like that, then Islam is, too. Islam is something quite different from the Muslims you see here. Islam is something that is useful for all human beings if it could be practiced the way it was supposed to be practiced.

Shakila: Another thing I like about Islam is that in the Quran, it tells us to be kind. I don’t see this practiced much in Afghanistan, but Islam tells us that it’s very important. We shouldn’t be aggressive, but peaceful. When family members are peaceful, they can understand each other better.

Dr. Yacoobi: Sometimes it happens that a father wants to marry his daughter to somebody and he receives a lot of money from that person. In reality, he is selling his daughter. In our human rights program, we teach girls that they can say "no" if they don’t agree to that marriage by using a quote from the Quran. We teach them that a woman can say, "No, my daughter is too young." Through those quotes, we are teaching women how to stand up and defend themselves, and it is working.

Peggy: I’m also interested in your thoughts about the headscarf. You say that you believe in the deeper tenets of Islam, but not so much in the superficial ones. What are your beliefs about the choice to wear or not to wear the head covering?

Shakila: There are some values in Islam that I question. For example, I can’t find any reason why Muslim women should wear the headscarf. I’ve heard many different answers. I’ve heard that it will make them more secure, but I don’t understand how. I’ve heard that a scarf keeps women from arousing men and makes them less provocative. My question is, why doesn’t Islam ask the man to control himself? Why should I do something to protect him from his own feelings? I think men should be responsible for themselves in this regard. Why would seeing my hair arouse a man? For me, hijab is about wearing modest clothes, but I don’t think it has anything to do with [concealing my] hair.

Dr. Yacoobi: It’s a mistake when you look at Muslim women and think they are weak because they wear hijab. These women are very strong, intelligent, and resourceful. Wearing hijab does not mean that someone controls them.