Читать книгу Cutting more Ties That Bind - Phyllis Krystal - Страница 16

Preparing for Parenthood

The very first rite is that of bonding the new baby to each of its parents. In the first twenty minutes after birth, a baby can focus its eyes. Another reason why natural childbirth is preferable to other methods involving the use of anaesthesia is that both mother and child are fully conscious. The bonding takes place when the baby is held so that it can look directly into the eyes of each parent. This contact is very important as it gives the baby a sense of security and belonging in the unfamiliar new world it has just entered from the safety and warmth of its mother’s womb.

In addition to the eye contact, the baby needs to be reassured of its welcome into the family. This can be accomplished both verbally and through warm physical contact, such as holding and caressing, to ensure that it starts its new life with a sense of security, something all babies must be given. The experience of being welcomed and loved sets the stage for it to develop normally, without the feeling of rejection that so many children have and later come to expect from all others for the rest their lives, frequently with tragic results.

Naming a Child

The naming of a child is another very important ceremony. It gives it an identity for the rest of its life. Like most other rituals, this too has lost much of its deeper significance and in many cases is omitted altogether. Invariably, the parents decide on names for their child some time during the pregnancy, as soon as they can agree on appropriate ones for either sex. The names are then included on the birth certificate and that, in many instances, is the end of the matter.

The old rituals held more meaning. Names were considered very important in distinguishing a child from others in the family and ensuring its rights as an individual. In some cultures, names are chosen according to custom. In India, for instance, children are often named after a god, either as a blessing or to represent a special virtue or attribute it is hoped the child will develop as it matures. More often in the past than now, Christian families chose names like Patience, Hope or Constance to encourage children to develop such virtues. Similarly, the names of famous figures from history or myth are sometimes chosen, in the hope that the child might emulate them. In the Jewish culture, children are often named after a deceased relative or biblical figure, but rarely after living people. In other cultures, children are frequently given the names of living relatives, especially those of the mother or father, hence the many ‘juniors’ to distinguish sons from their fathers. However, a name can be a heavy burden if a child is expected to live up to the fame, success or brilliance of a namesake.

Before they settle on a name for their child, it would be an excellent idea if the parents would think ahead and try to determine the possible effect the various names under consideration might have on the child as it grows to adulthood, and to consider, too, the possible effect of shortened versions that might be used. It is a well-known fact that children can be, and often are, very cruel to one another. A child’s name can cause a great deal of unnecessary misery if it makes them the butt of their peers’ ridicule.

Pet names, nicknames and those variations on the original name initiated by younger siblings while trying and failing to pronounce the whole name but producing their own version, can also be embarrassing. So often, an adult is still being called by a ridiculously inappropriate name, obviously a carry-over from childhood.

Baptism and Godparents

In some cultures, the custom of connecting the child to the religious heritage of the family is still honoured. In the Christian ceremony of christening or baptism, a child is given back to God from whence it came and the parents promise to bring it up in the tradition they consider theirs.

Also in Christian families, a man and a woman chosen by the parents undertake to supervise the child’s moral and spiritual education. The godparents, as they are called, often have more influence on the child than the parents, to whom it will more than likely turn a deaf ear after a certain age, when ‘familiarity breeds contempt’. Like so many other old customs, this too has fallen into disuse or lost its original significance. As a result, the moral and spiritual education of children all over the world has suffered.

Since children learn more from adults’ example than from their words, both parents and godparents must pay careful attention to their own words, acts and attitudes if they expect children to develop into responsible adults.

It is also very important for parents to bear in mind a fact that is too often overlooked, that a baby is a developing person and should not be treated as a baby for ever. A simple way to avoid lapsing into the habit of continuing to ‘baby’ children is to determine not to use baby talk from the very beginning, even during pregnancy, either when referring to the child or talking to it. It is preferable to adopt an attitude suitable for conversing with an intelligent person, which could help the child to become one. That does not mean using complex sentences, long words, or intricate phrases. It means stating what needs to be said as directly and simply as possible. In other words, giving clear messages instead of confused ones, which can only lead to pain. This attitude will reassure the child that its parents are honouring and accepting him or her as a person.

A very common complaint of many adults is that they are treated by their parents as if they were still children. This situation can be most frustrating. In some cases, to their intense dismay and embarrassment, it even causes them to behave as children whenever they are with their parents, however hard they determine not to revert to infantile behaviour. Another effect is to make them feel that their worth as individuals is not recognized. Far too many people tell me that they never felt they were taken seriously, or that their parents never really heard them. They were treated as if they were extensions of their parents, like arms and legs, doing their bidding, instead of living separate individual lives.