Читать книгу Hineni: My Walk Into Beautiful Life - S. Joshua Mendel - Страница 11

I have been able to be pretty linear telling my story up to this point. That reflects the way I lived most of my first life: avoid or deny as much as possible so that if I had to, I would face few, hopefully no challenges. And when there was a challenge I could not duck, I would do my utmost to make it as small and so, as manageable as possible.

But gosh darn it; The Voice was working in and on me through hotline, counseling, and yoga. I was starting to operate with and through The Voice. I was slowing down enough to become acquainted with my mind and body. I was resurrecting and working out painful memories and events in my first life. I was taking a hard look at the life I had been living and I was tired of suffering and merely surviving it. At my workplace, I was promoted from staff to management, which forced me to work with people; not just ideas.

And as one gets older, life intervenes whether we want it to or not. My dad's death when I was 29 really kicked my ass. I realized that health—life—are not givens and shouldn't be wasted. Ironically and sadly, I think dying young is the most important lesson and greatest gift my father gave me in his life.

In short, prepped or kicked, I was experiencing Grace in my life. I was exploring opportunities and facing challenges inside and outside of myself, many of which I never expected would come to me. Challenges which given my start, I didn't believe I had the strength to survive. (I know that I did not have the wisdom to appreciate those experiences at the time they were happening!) But along with the fear was the joy of feeling alive. I hungered for more. And so my life became more and more focused on, in, and through Grace.

From about age 26 on, my uncovery was an amalgam of concurrent journeys: counseling, yoga, service, looking for a spiritual home, Twelve Step recovery, coming out, embracing my gay side. I was learning to trust enough to be intimate and experience true friendship and true love. I went into and out of romantic relationships. I had my first attempt at making a committed romantic relationship. And in the course of all those journeys, I developed a different relationship towards my mind and body. I came to new understandings on the core aspects of being human: health and disease, life and death, poverty and wealth, and work. And over the course of all these experience and learnings, I developed an understanding and a relationship with Jesus. . .

All of this had one goal—Hineni. I needed a true and clear sense of who I was in order to truly show up in the space of a Higher Power. I used a number of technologies—religions, spiritual thought systems, and disciplines—to train my mind. To accept and stay in that space of a Higher Power. But most of all and this is still true today: I needed to learn obedience. . .

I can't write clearly about each journey at the same time. So while I write the chapters to follow one at a time, please keep in mind that these journeys were not taken singularly or lived linearly. That may explain a lot about why certain aspects—my embracing being gay, for instance—took a lot more time and effort than might be required by others.

Before detailing my experiences in each of the important technologies of my life, I offer this summary of my search for a spiritual home.

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On this plane of limited vision, I accept that I need some structure in and discipline to finding Grace. It seems to me a seeker is haughty (lacking humility) to take a trip into the Numinous without any guidebook. S/he is both haughty and foolhardy not to ask for assistance from "natives" who may be more familiar with the "terrain", who have unique knowledge and skills that would ease the path. Searching can be a lonely and tiring effort. It is equally foolish and punishing to reject company on the spiritual highway; to take no sustenance or rest along the journey.

I have employed a host of technologies to have "eyes to see and ears to hear," to open my mind and soften my heart, to unclench my hands and open my arms. In short: to "let go and let God"! There are very good reasons why most of us seek out a technology that works for us, as well as a community within which to work its precepts. So good that I have been searching almost 30 years now! In my experience and judgment, a community of souls, however both words are defined, is an important forum where the spiritual rubber meets the road. Here is where a Seeker's learnings can be practiced with others also walking a spiritual path. Hopefully, those individuals know how to forgive. . . since I at least, made a lot of mistakes in my journey.

I have a complicated relationship with technologies. I carry gifts and owe a debt to each technology in which I participated. Each one increased my capability to accept and act from Grace. Each helped me to develop my relationship with Jesus—even Judaism. But as you will see as these chapters progress, I don't think I am able to live my spiritual life through just one technology, or in any one.

Over the past 30 years, I think the count stands at 15 religious/spiritual thought systems. It looks like I am a spiritual junkie! But give me a break; I participated for years in most of these technologies; not weeks. When I approached a new religion or spiritual thought system, I asked questions; especially, the question why. And I asked those questions using a Barometer that operated well beyond the intellectual. Here was another mismatch between me and the communities in which I participated. In my experience and humble opinion, a mystic who has experienced Grace at the age of five does not fit well or totally in any technology. Being a nontheist, having a mind like mine, and being gay only made my ability to fit in more difficult.

There is nothing wrong with technologies. From exploring a fair number to date, I know that there are a cornucopia of paths, any of which taken sincerely (but held lightly) can lead to Grace. Each technology is a viable and valuable spoke on a wheel with one hub. Each can create what Quakers call "a Real Deal": a person so patterned and aided by his/her technology that s/he enters Grace, communes with the God of their understanding, and is obedient with His Calls. But the Real Deals I know do not buy their technology hook, line, and sinker. They disagree with basic precepts of their path when it disagrees with what their heart tells them. They know that their way is not the only way to Grace, and they are OK with that.

Jews sometimes say of a person: "There is a mensch!" I personally have never found adequate words to describe the concept because for me, the meaning extends far beyond "a good human being". Technologies can create mensches and Jews only have a lock on the word. Mensches come in all religious and non-religious stripes.

My experience after being in a host of technologies is this: God becomes reified¹⁴, while the major proponent or leader of the technology is deified. The central book or writings are codified. The practices/rituals of the technology are stultified. And the community norms and limitations of fellow believers are so blinding that many participants lose their way. Rite and ritual become the focus and an end in itself, rather than the means to the Union they are supposed to facilitate. They so dominate the energies of the community and so satisfy the ego that the search for Grace is abandoned. Theological differences and fights over ritual—not to mention the profane issues of raising money to pay for staff and buildings—all too often divide people, further diverting the participants from Grace.

(Need I remind anyone that divisions of theology, religion, rite, and ritual have led to tragic human and planetary consequences over history and today? I personally fear for my life should a Christian Nation ever be founded in this country. I would be dead meat on many levels. This document alone would convict me!)

Most technologies I have encountered are one-sided. They focus and celebrate good ("the Light") while they deplore evil (darkness). But that darkness includes that which we hide, suppress, or deny. . . the Shadow. Both aspects reside in us—me at least—and both must be attended to. Only then can I achieve the wholeness that allows me to transcend myself yet not lose touch with this sphere of time and space in the process.

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In more than one technology, I had difficulties with dogma and ritual. I tangled with the head of the community. I became frustrated with my fellow members. I experienced lack of support; even subtle and not-so-subtle punishment from them for my understanding of the technology and how I acted within it. At some level of participation, I realized (or Heard) that that technology had become a barrier to me in progressing on my path. So I "kicked the dust off my sandals and found a new town." (Matthew 10) But after 30 years of searching, I removed my sandals and I stopped my travelling. Because I accepted the truth of what I Heard in a Quaker Meeting for Worship: "Everywhere you stand is holy ground and every step you take is holy." I accepted that "The Kingdom of God" truly resides in me. By that time, I gained a relationship with Jesus, the Wayshower I always needed to help me find and stay in Grace. Given the start to my journey, each of these gifts could only have come through my participation in all those technologies.

Like I say; my relationship with technologies is complicated!