Читать книгу Hineni: My Walk Into Beautiful Life - S. Joshua Mendel - Страница 13

I came to Al-Anon about two and a half years after I started counseling; two years after starting yoga. I sought Al-Anon because as I put it in leads¹⁹: "I couldn't keep it up." As useful as hotline, counseling, and yoga proved to my uncovery, my ego was firmly in control. The pain-avoider and people-pleaser drivers in my mind kept beating up on me, terrifying and exhausting me with thoughts of being a failure—and later, becoming a success.

I first learned about Twelve Step programs through the Free Clinic hotline. As with so many of my issues, I had recommended it to a host of clients by then! One of my hotline partners was an adult child and once in between callers, that person shared with me the characteristics of an "ACA" (adult child of an alcoholic). Bells went off—that's too mild a figure of speech—add in a brass band and flags a-flying! I wanted to attend a meeting, but the person told me that you had to be the child of an alcoholic. Because neither of my parents drank, I dropped the idea. Five more years elapsed before I got to my first meeting. . .

That person's statement was not correct, but oh well. While my father was not an alcoholic, he was a nicotine and sugar addict. (I am too.) Given how my dad and my uncles turned out, I would bet that my grandfather had some addiction; alcohol seems the likely, affordable substance. And while my mother and her parents were not alcoholic, there was plenty of substance abuse in the family. . . four of my grandfather's siblings for a start. In my generation? Yeah, there's addiction! Think I "qualified"? Leave out the addiction—there is mental illness on both sides of my family and that takes a toll on families, over generations. Here's the "I statement": it did in mine!

My ticket in was ostensibly the spouse of a good friend who declared they were an alcoholic. I was now officially "a family or friend of an alcoholic". On May 27, 1987, I attempted to sneak into my first meeting. It wasn't that admission was restricted. I just didn't want anyone to know I was there! Someone would say something to my family. My attendance would be in the paper. Hell, it would be broadcast to the entire world! I soon learned this was an example of "terminal uniqueness"; thinking I am different from everyone else when I share the same issues and face the same challenges.

I deliberately came in late and tried to take a seat in the very back of the room. But I stepped on a chair holder in front of me. It popped up and then slammed on the floor. . . BANG! Fifty pairs of eyes turned towards me. I used to say in leads this was proof that my Higher Power had a sense of humor. Today I see this as one of many synchronicities that just happen in my life. (Sorry theists/deists, this does not make me believe in a Creator/Daddy/Planner God; check out Jung on this.) I don't remember the content of that meeting, but I do remember trying to get out quickly when it was over. But before I could, I was met with hugs from one past co-worker and two other acquaintances. They knew I needed a program!

* * * *

My favorite Al-Anon aphorism is: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the receivers of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), didn't come up with that. It's attributed to Lao-Tse, the Tao philosopher. I love the breadth of wisdom that Program is willing to embrace!

For the past 27 years, the steps, slogans, sharing, sponsorship, and support I have gained through Al-Anon have seen me through journey after journey. These include: coming out (at 38), dating (men!), a 13-year partnership and the dissolution of that partnership, innumerable (inter)personal crises and job stresses, unemployment, and starting my own business. Al-Anon has meaningfully helped me cope with those issues for which no human being can offer a definitive answer—growing older, sickness, dying and death of those I love. . . facing my own mortality.

Al-Anon has given me a gentle but powerful forum for developing my concept of a Higher Power, as well as providing me with maps and natives to save time and effort on my journey to a humble, healthy relationship with a God of my understanding. It has proved to be excellent mind training; it has stretched my natural talents of honesty, openness, and willingness.²⁰ Al-Anon has taught me to forgive—not only those who hurt me but myself. I have learned to "not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".²¹ Al-Anon has gifted me with a family of amazing souls with whom I have learned healthy intimacy and true friendship. It has given me a loving family of blessing with whom I can share, refresh, and celebrate on my journey.

Oh yeah. . . it has helped me to live successfully and lovingly with the many addicts in my family and my life!

Being an anonymous program was crucial. Given my fears and shame, I would never have been able to attend that first meeting nor share what I have all these years if I was not in a safe space. I have never been forced to accept a single, reified concept of God—or any God. The Higher Power in Twelve Step programs is a Higher Power of one's own understanding. Yes, there is dogma; twelve steps are written down. But what is not in writing is what actions must be taken under each step or when or how those actions must be taken. There is no one, right way for everyone to practice Program, for all time. I was given the space, respect, and challenge to uncover my past and deal with my defects of character in my own time; in my own way. (No matter how slow or painful that journey seemed to an outsider!) For me at least, the why of each step was made clear either through the literature, discussion, or through direction gained in sponsorship. People are asked to speak about their own situation in "I terms", not assuming it is true for everyone. Members are reminded to "take what you like and leave the rest". This left me the space to test a sharing in the light of my Integrity. More practice with Grace!

Program is a technology where heart and gut are appreciated over head. As the old Program saw goes: "My greatest thinking got me here." I am a perfect case in point. I am pretty darn smart, and yet look where I was when I started. And I still think my way into some pretty tortured spaces!

Only "HP" is in charge, so this is an egalitarian organization. Collectively and individually, we operate on what we call "obedience to the unenforceable". The watchword is "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity."²²

As I travelled through technologies, I realized that Twelve Step incorporates many rites and rituals proven useful to spiritual growth, including self-examination (Steps Four and Ten), confession and absolution of sins (Step Five), amends (Steps Eight and Nine), and repentance (Steps Six, Seven and Eleven). It even calls to evangelism of a sort (Step Twelve). Sponsorship offers one a Godparent. And yet, this is all done in a non-religious, non-dogmatic way.

I definitely believe that a Higher Power speaks in those rooms. Time and again, I have been blown away at the Wisdom I have heard. I can still be amazed by what comes into my head and out of my mouth! But this Wisdom is not dependent upon one's training or even one's duration in Program. A newcomer to his/her first meeting may offer me an insight that is as meaningful as anything that might pop out of an old-timer. Writing this, I realize that a good meeting is another Trinity: me, my fellow members, and a Higher Power. I find meetings to be an amazing balm. I always sleep better after a meeting, even when I don't like what I hear. This can be a memory I suppressed long ago or a heretofore-unrealized character defect. In Program, we call these an "AFOG": another fucking opportunity for growth! Early on in my Program, I defined serenity as three meals a day, six hours of sleep, and a meeting at least once a week. In my most challenging periods, I took in three meetings a week.

My mental state in meetings is very much like me in a channeling or the state in which I have been writing this document. I am open and The Voice is very active. It needs to be: in addition to profound Wisdom, there is also a lot of spiritual horseshit, ego thinking, pity parties, and sharing of personal drama. Some members clearly have mental health issues. And some people are just not very bright. The Voice sifts through all of this for me. We have a phrase in our closing that says: "After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us you'll love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you." Some days I really hold on to that. . .

* * * *

Yes, Al-Anon and I are very simpatico. And yet as a nontheist, it is often an irritating experience. The prevailing Higher Power of most members is a Creator/Daddy/Planner God. The literature is highly deist. Some readings I dismiss entirely; others make me want to gag. In a meeting, I may have to do a lot of translation into my working theory of a Higher Power. I am often frustrated by the support given by well-meaning fellow members. For example: "I am sure your Higher Power has something in mind for you." "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle." Yes, I know—take what you like and leave the rest. And that is what I do!

Sticking it out as a nontheist has proven a gift to others, including atheist attenders. I am guessing I have been a sponsor to eight people to date. Only four of these relationships were long-term—the other half needed temporary help in getting a relationship with a Higher Power they could stomach!

* * * *

I say here for the record; Program is a cheat! It is gentle, loving, and non-threatening. I liken a meeting to being in a gentle snow where flakes of knowledge cling on you as you leave. But Al-Anon is a program that demands rigorous honesty; honesty that goes to my core. When I am truly working my Program, I come face-to-face with my past, my personal demons, and my defects of character… my addictions. Every day and each night before I retire I see my "sins", the places where what I Know and what I think, say, or do aren't in congruence. It isn't pretty! If I didn't do this one day at a time, with a Higher Power, the loving support of a sponsor, and in communities of others who encourage me as they bear the weight of this Herculean task… well, I would have stopped long ago!

In 1987, at least in Cleveland, it was not uncommon to find meetings even larger than the one in which I started. Alcoholism hasn't gone away and yet the number of attendees at a so-called large meeting is now likely to be half that amount. This is more proof to me of the goal-confusion people have regarding technologies. Al-Anon is not some magical happy pill. In fact, my definition of serenity does not include being happy. For me, serenity is the certainty that I will be able to live with the consequences of my choices, because they are made in concert with a Higher mind. Surely, the miracles of Al-Anon do not occur overnight; in my case, they have taken years. . . decades. . . to unfold.

My current sponsor has a way of putting things in perspective when I express frustration with my ego's continued strength. "You lived 32 years without Program," he says. "You can start questioning your recovery when you are 64 years old!"

* * * *

About two years into the Program, I completed my first Fourth Step Inventory. Once I truly believed that I was only as sick as my secrets, a lot of defects—and benefits—of my character were revealed. In fact, I took the Fourth Step three times; twice in Al-Anon and once in Nicotine Anonymous. Why three? Well for one reason, I left out some stuff in the first inventory. . . like my attraction to men! In my defense: Step Four says to take "a fearless and rigorous moral inventory". My ability to be honest is only as great as my courage at the time I take the step. So I stepped again…

The Fifth Step calls for one to "Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". I chose E., my first sponsor, to hear my Fifth Step. This was truly a Grace-full experience. It was the first time that I was intimate with another man and he accepted me for who I was and was not. (Judy was my counselor at this time.) This was not a sexual experience in the least. I did not come out to him. Yet I feel certain that it was an important stepping stone to my coming out.

I have been honored to be hear the Fifth Steps of others. I expanded on the hotline understanding of my role—I got out of the way, to become the earthly presence of a Higher Power. Perhaps I only served in that capacity to good people, but I never heard anything so horrible that it shocked me. If anything, I was chastened to realize how we (I) carry so much pain for so long, usually for such trivial misses of the mark. And as in my own Fifth Step, I had to tell the other person that s/he needed to go back and see more of the wonderful qualities they also possessed!

Around my third year in program, I was asked to be a sponsor for the first time. Sponsorship is another act of service that has certainly saved me as well. I have found it to be another powerful Trinity. How often have I heard me say something to a sponsee that I hadn't brought to my conscious mind in years? How many times did I say something that I realized I needed to apply to a current situation in my life? And then there are those more than occasional times when I wonder: Who inspired me to say that?

I have been gifted with and I am grateful for loving sponsors. My second sponsor, D. was not only a Real Deal; he was the father I had not had. So gifted, so wise, so loving. It seems to me he knew where I needed to grow and where I was stuck. He always knew how far to push me and when to step back. Whether or not he knew I was gay, he tested me about the truth of my sometimes desperate claim that I did not want a relationship. When I finally did come out, this straight man was totally supportive. He saw me through my first two relationships and gave me advice that is so wise I hold it dear to this day. Anonymity prevents me from sharing his story. But if I could, I daresay you too would be amazed that he could be so supportive on so many of my issues. They must have pushed so many of his buttons!

This man gave me a powerful lesson even in his dying. D. suffered from depression, a legacy of events of his childhood. In November of 1994, he committed suicide. I write this because I too have been down at times in my uncovery; so down that suicide seemed like the way out. But based upon the hurt and sense of loss I still carry from his death, I will not kill myself unless and until I believe there is no true life left for me. And I will not do this without making sure my friends and family know my intent. D. left no note saying goodbye or explaining his decision. One of the most painful questions I still carry from D's death, 20 years later is: "Why didn't you call me that night?"

(This man was also a gifted craftsman. He finished the second floor of my house and built me a beautiful back porch. I can still see us laying out the latter on a napkin in a restaurant. His handwriting is still on some of the boards. Whenever I really look around my house, I see D.)

M., my third sponsor, is just as much a gift to me. For almost 20 years, this man has faithfully, thoughtfully, and graciously given me direction and support. His patience is amazing to me at times—because I repeat the same damn issues, over and over (and over) again! M.'s words and voice come to me so many times and at so many points! For example: "That person has a Higher Power—and it isn't you." "Where are your feet (past, present, or future)?" "Stick with it until you have learned the lesson." And the ever popular: "Which Step are you on?"

His personal gifts are many; his experience, deep and shared openly. And there are those times when he truly is Inspired. I offer this vignette:

Last year, I hit a very down period in my life. I said to M. how tired I was that my "father tape" still played and so loudly, after all this time and all my growth. M. asked me how old my father was when he died (60) and whether he was healthy at that time (no). M.'s response: "Thank your father for his suggestions and tell him he is no longer competent to speak on these issues—because you have lived longer and healthier than he did!"

I ask you: Is that brilliant. . . or What?

I thought I had "graduated" from Al-Anon twice to date. The first lapse was nine months; the second time, a month-and-a-half. The first time, I found me, as we put it in Program, "irritable and unreasonable without noticing it", until a big mistake at work gave me the kick in the pants to get back to a meeting. The second time a friend said to me: "You know you are getting a little crazy?" I responded: "Yeah. But this time I know it!"

Progress; not perfection. . .

* * * *

I have a theory: every addict needs a program like Al-Anon, and every enabler has at least one addiction. If you are an addict, the focus on your inability to control your addiction creates a little codependent²³ in your brain. If you are a codependent, then you are addicted to controlling the addict. Because we can't create or maintain control, we each end up getting hooked on somebody or something. We want that control so we can have peace. . . on our terms, of course!

When I did my first Fourth Step inventory, I named my two physical addictions: cigarettes and sugar. A year later, I decided it was time to seek help with them. Having had such a powerful experience with Al-Anon, it was only natural I consider the two programs for these compulsions, Nicotine Anonymous (NA) and Overeaters Anonymous (OA).

By the time I started NA (1990), I had been smoking for almost half my life. Health classes as a kid taught me how dangerous smoking was—I had even been frightened with the pictures of smoker's lungs. And I had a real life example in my father. Yet I started when I was 19, on a dare from a fraternity brother. A Salem Menthol for the record. Supposedly, menthol cigarettes can be tough for a new smoker; I found it smooth and easy. . . I loved smoking from the first puff!

For the next 19 years, I continued to smoke. . . clandestinely. I was so good at this that when I told people I had stopped smoking they were astounded! I bargained—mightily. I stopped menthol and went to low tar 100s. I would purchase a pack and then force myself to take weeks, even months off. I was terrified of becoming a pack-plus-a-day smoker, to the extent that I would no longer buy my own pack. I would pay someone for a small stash. Eventually, I just bummed. I tapered down and got to the point that I might have only one or two cigarettes a day—at "appropriate" times; lunch, or after work. But I craved in between for those moments. I was hooked! In the fellowship, some people doubted that I was an addict; they would consider themselves lucky if they got down to my daily level. In Program jargon, I was a "high bottom".

NA was a new Twelve Step program at that time; its Big Book was just being written. Here is another example of me inexplicably finding and benefiting from a new technology, or one not well- known. There were maybe two programs in the Cleveland area at the time. Their membership was always small through my decade of participation. And. . . NA sure helped me!

As I have said so much about Al-Anon that would apply to any Twelve Step program, I cut to the chase here. After three months in NA, I stopped smoking. I now have almost 24 years of "smobriety". The decade I spent in that Program helped me come face-to-face with my dishonesty, and it shed a lot of light on why I was dishonest, including not being honest about my sexual orientation.

Through my participation in this program, I became thoroughly immersed in the Big Book of AA. I continue to benefit from its words and the personal testimonies. My NA experience enhanced my Al-Anon experience.

As noted, NA was never a large movement. I kept hearing the same sharings from the same people. Something inside told me I was complete and I left with gratitude.

* * * *

I was only in Overeaters Anonymous for a short period of time; perhaps less than three months. For me, this was a hard program in which to fit. I was a high bottom in NA but I was an even higher bottom in OA. Many of these men (I felt more comfortable in a men's only group) had stories that flabbergasted me. And if I thought too long about their stories, they made me nauseous! However, I do not distance myself here. My relationship with sugar is not healthy. In those rooms, I heard the same lies I tell myself about what something sweet will do for me. Why I needed and deserved to eat it. It is just the scale of my (over)indulgence that differs. "There but for the Grace of God go I."

The most substantial contribution OA made to my growth was not the program itself. It was that when I added OA, I was now attending three programs a minimum of three days a week. Program became a time and energy drain on my life that I resented. Speaking about this with D., I received guidance I remember and offer others to this day: "We do not live to work Program; we work Program to live!" Then he asked me: "What is killing you?" In other words, what were the issues that were strongest in holding me back in my growth or harming my health? Codependency and smoking were my biggest killers. And so I stopped my participation in OA.

* * * *

Twelve Step has not proven to be my cure all. As they say in AA, I have only a daily reprieve, so long as I practice my programs. My first reaction to any person, place, or thing is still the one from my dysfunctional upbringing. But thanks to Al-Anon, I have the knowledge that my first reaction comes from my ego and so it is always wrong.

Al-Anon has given me the tools to stop running with that thought and to leave space in my mind—however slight that may be—to allow a not-me way to come to me. Once I let go, I can let God. . . Jesus. . . speak. And as is stated again and again in these pages—that's when the miracles start happening!