Читать книгу Hineni: My Walk Into Beautiful Life - S. Joshua Mendel - Страница 14

I was active in Judaism for about 15 years. After an agnostic/atheist gap of about 15 years, I started exploring Christianity. I didn't start this journey because Jesus came to me in a vision—that was 20 years in the future! The Voice was mute on the subject. I don't remember anyone inviting me to join them at their congregation one Sunday morning.

In truth, I don't know why I started this 13-year quest! Here are some factors that played a part: I had just left the yoga association, my experiences in Twelve Step programs left me hungry for spiritual community, after my experience with A., I wasn't going to explore another so-called Eastern religion—and Judaism was out! But none of these events by itself or even in total explain why I attended one Sunday at the Unity Church of Christianity. All I remember is seeing a sandwich board in front of my old junior high school where they worshipped. Some Sign. . . and it wasn't that big a sign at that!

In that first service, I don't remember hearing The Voice. But I don't remember feeling any red flags either. Perhaps after Judaism and yoga, I needed a technology that did not seem very demanding. Unity didn't have much dogma and lacked ritual. There was no concrete, comprehensive definition of God. It was made clear that this God did not focus nor punish sins. I was told He/She/It was "Good. . . all Good." God was in everyone and so everyone was inherently good. Unity accepted all religions and all ways that helped individuals find God. I remember there being a number of mixed marriage families; it was comforting to learn that a number of members started in Judaism.

Despite its supposed mildness, Unity presented me with some powerful challenges. First, I was praying and meditating to God for the first time in 15 years, although I was not sure who or what God was at the time. The bigger stretches came after the word "Unity": 1) Church; 2) of Christianity. Being part of a church was a real and strong statement that I had left the Jewish faith. That brought up considerable guilt—all that teaching about being untrue to the millions who died in the Holocaust! Also, a fair measure of shame; my family would really give it to me if they found out. I was closeted during the early years of my search in Christianity. At some point, I passed a mental Rubicon; the word "church" felt more comfortable to me than the word "temple". Then I went to the Quaker Meeting and left both words behind!

While I was told Unity was a "practical kind of Christianity" it was Christian. And so for the first time in my spiritual life, I had to grapple with Jesus and Christ. . . or was it Jesus Christ. . . or Christ Jesus?

* * * *

Growing up in my schizoid but still Jewish home, here is what I learned about Jesus: nothing. I lived in a sheltered, middle-class shtetl. I was pretty shut down by then. I had few friends and all of them were Jewish. I was fortunate not to have met an anti-Semite who might have shocked the question to the fore. So my parents could and did duck the question.

Of course, I saw the TV Christmas specials and could sing the religious and non-religious songbook, and did so as part of junior high glee club. But I had no idea what the words—the concepts—meant. Nor would any of my regular school teachers explain if I had thought to ask; doing so would have led to quick and negative employment consequences! And come on; in American society, how much does Jesus really have to do with Christmas? Easter was even less clear to me; it was some goy holiday that came around the time of Passover.

At reform temple school, I was taught that "non-Jews believe they can't talk to God directly; they have to have an intercessor". They were too nice to use the word goy. And how about that word, "intercessor"? (Jewish inflection here: This you use with a 10-13 year old?) In other words, we—you—didn't need Jesus (we are luckier; better), so why learn about him? I don't remember the subject being brought up per se in Hebrew school, and yet I can tell you the message I absorbed: "This belief in Jesus—a false Messiah—is responsible for killing your people! Beware of goys—and Jesus!"

So "meeting Jesus for the first time" (a play on words of the title of a fantastic book by Marcus Berg), I had a lot of questions—and energy! I vividly remember the time and place I asked the reverend about Jesus. There were at least ten other people in that class, but I blocked them all out. I didn't just ask the reverend; I pummeled. Jesus: Teacher? Prophet? Man? (Only) Son of God? The Messiah? Did he really live? Did he really do those miracles? Did he rise after his death? You get the picture. . .

I remember getting frustrated by the reverend's answers: "Yes" to every one! And she offered me a few more words I had not heard before: Wayshower. Brother. The Good News. I am not sure if the reverend suggested this, but I had never read the so-called New Testament. So at the tender age of 35, I read one of the most important books to Humankind. My first take on the Gospels—it's the same story told four times!

Clearly I had a lot to learn… and unlearn.

Over the next decade, I learned my New Testament. Parts of it, anyway. I am pretty fluent with the Gospels, although from The Jesus Project and subsequent study, I learned Jesus was the author or channel for only about 20% of what was in them. The rest is Old Testament re-quotes. Acts left me highly skeptical at first; it was too much for my Jewish-inculcated mind at the time. Much of the Epistles left me cold. These were not Jesus speaking. Paul may have been inspired, but his channel was way too cluttered for my internal Barometer. I didn't read all of the letters and I don't carry many of his words. I never got to Revelations. So I am no Bible scholar nor am I a big fan of the approved canon.

I state wonder at how anyone knowing the history of the Gospels and how the New Testament came to be can say these books contain only and all the words of Jesus. There was a lot left out! The book that truly speaks to me about Jesus is not on the list: A Course in Miracles.

This is not to say that the New Testament doesn't speak to me. Look at all the quotes throughout this book!

* * * *

So what do I believe about Jesus? I believe there was a Jewish man named Joshua Ben-Joseph. He came into this world uniquely gifted. His perception of some Force greater than himself was deep and sharp, his capability to leave his ego was highly developed, and his facility to accept and remain in Grace was masterful. Because there is a gap in his history and the Gospels were written by at least four others—who clearly had their own agendas!—it is impossible to know the extent of his natural gifts, or what would be helpful to me, how he strengthened them.

Early in his life, Jesus experienced Grace. He heard the Call to help others to see, hear and respond to their relationship with God in a new way. In doing so, he caught the attention of the Romans and engendered the fear of a lot of entrenched (Jewish) interests. But Jesus was open, honest, willing, and courageous enough to follow his Guidance. . . even if that took him to his death. So much is made about the death and resurrection of Jesus. But my awe in "the Jesus story" is Gethsemane. As a human being who has agreed to drink from some bitter cups myself (Matthew 26), Jesus's example here is chastening, encouraging, and healing. Wayshower? Brother? I say yes!

Did Jesus really perform those miracles? Did he rise from the dead? I don't know and I don't care. I know from my own life that when I am in Grace, thoughts come to me that I alone could not think. People come into my life to assist me that I did not know heretofore. Answers to problems and methods to meet challenges suddenly become clear to me. Many times these actions are novel to me and/or I have never done them before. And yet they work. Sometimes I am Given an assignment or challenge that I would never have dreamed would come to me, yet I am clear that I am the person to carry that assignment out; to face that challenge. ("Not my will, Thy will." Luke 22) When I am obedient, physical, mental, and emotional barriers melt away. And the results have a wisdom and perfection that I know I do not have the power to create on my own. When I am ailing mentally, physically, or spiritually, I have learned that my willingness to trust another and my openness to healing leads to healing.

So feeding 5,000 with a few loaves of bread and fishes; being healed by touching the hem of a garment; casting out demons? Why not? I know from my own life that miracles are possible! I agree with Jesus when he says: "Whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these." (John 14) Good News, indeed!

All the above being written, I do not believe that Jesus was divine, the only Son of God, or especially, some sort of sacrificial lamb sent here to reconcile God with Humankind. Obviously, my working theory on God does not jive with any of this, on so many aspects. I believe that one of the most disempowering things Paul wrote is that we are "the adopted Son of God". (Romans 8) That statement just makes Jesus more special than all of us. For the ego that doesn't want the challenge, this just makes Jesus' example more unapproachable and seemingly impossible. We are God if we (I) but knew this and acted so!

To the extent I believe what Paul wrote, it lets my ego off the hook from doing the work. Why bother if I can't possibly obtain the state of Grace that Jesus did?

Like the subject of God, what one believes about Jesus and how important that belief is to that person tells me more about the person than Jesus. It's how one thinks and acts in this world holding his/her beliefs that is important to me.

* * * *

It didn't take me long to see and have problems with Unity and the congregation. Unity emphasizes spiritual healing and prosperity in its teachings. While I agree with the concept "thoughts in the mind produce their kind", I have come to understand that shit happens and this is not necessarily or primarily of my own creation. The emphasis on prosperity seemed blasphemous to me even then. There was most certainly hero worship by this congregation of their reverend, a best-selling author. I believe J. reveled in this attention. There was a tight inner circle—and I was not in it. Finally, the reverend was unhappy preaching in a school auditorium. It seemed to me that she cajoled the congregation at every possible forum to find, purchase, or build a building.

I am not unique in asking this question: Is the church, synagogue, mosque, sangha, etc. the building or the congregation of souls who seek Grace? I come down firmly on the latter.

I have seen—and suffered through—more than one fight over a building. It serves as a lightning rod that attracts the misunderstood and usually denied dark sides of its members. J. did get her church home. And a few years later, I saw the "for rent" sign on the building. I don't have all the exact details, but here is what I heard. The building was a practical and spiritual strain. That and responses to the reverend's personal and professional style split the congregation.

* * * *

My personal dealings with J. were mixed. She was very patient with me as I struggled with "the Jesus thing". But like the rabbis, I was unable to develop a Trinity in her presence. I blush to write this but I think it apt—she and her husband, also a reverend, morphed into my parents; the other congregants, my siblings. As one of the "runts" I was fighting too hard and usually, unsuccessfully to gain their attention. I can't remember what the final straw was and, I left that congregation.

I started attending the other Unity congregation on the east side of Cleveland. This congregation was mostly African-American. I have to admit that being in the minority was uncomfortable for me at first. My stuff, not theirs; this was a welcoming congregation.

Here, Jesus was front and center. The reverend was given due reverence but not hero-worshipped for his knowledge of the Bible. (I had no personal contact with him during my sojourn in that community.) I gained more knowledge of and comfort with Jesus and the Gospels. I joined the choir, giving me the first exposure to hymns and gospels I was to hear over the next decade of my search and having some funny experiences in the process:

•The choir was very small but with excellent voices. I was the only white member and certainly, the only (former) Jew. On more than one occasion, we would sing a Gospel standard. In practice, a member would say: "Oh, this one will be easy—you know it backwards!" To which I would reply: "Try me!"

•One year, we participated in a community church sing. The choir director wanted to make sure we all dressed the same; she wanted the men to wear white shirts and black pants. I only had a pair of blue pants, so I asked her if that would work. One of the other members broke in: "No way; you'll stand out!" I replied: "Excuse me, but I am the only white guy here and I am a foot taller than all of you. Believe me—I stand out!" But I felt really good about her comment. Race was not an issue. . . for either of us!

Sadly, this congregation split over ritual. As time went on, I realized that there were two factions in the church: those that wanted services to be more reminiscent of their upbringing, and those who wanted to move beyond what one member called: "Tam-bour-eenes of Glo-ree!" (I wish I could give you the rhythm and emphasis of how that was said!) The music sung by the choir turned out to be a focal point for the controversy. One week, we sang a beautiful, Medieval English hymn. I am not sure why this touched off the "traditionalists", but at the next mid-week practice, the choir director tearfully informed us she had been fired. This led to bad feelings, both within the choir and the congregation. I can't remember at what point and with what words, but I Heard my time with this congregation and Unity Church was over.