Читать книгу Hineni: My Walk Into Beautiful Life - S. Joshua Mendel - Страница 9

My father had a third heart attack the week between the High Holy Days of October, 1984. When the rabbi spoke of being inscribed in the Book of Life during Yom Kippur, I burst out crying. On some level, I knew that he was not inscribed. Despite being considered The Strange One, I was the rock of my family; the one my mother (at the very least) depended upon. I knew that the demands upon me would soon be intense. And I realized on some deep level that I did not have the health to respond. For the next month, I felt a terrible weight on my mind and in my body. I could barely function. I was on my butt and so I was ready for Grace.

Actually, my counselor's name was Judy. How I found her, I do not recall. Of that first session, all I remember is her asking me why I was there and me responding: "Because I don't feel anything!" And so began a journey over the next twelve years, with three counselors. You might wonder why so long. Well, I had a lot of self-worth and family issues to work out, especially with my dad. I had issues in and out of my spiritual search. Having all that dysthymic/gay denial/neurosis, work was often a source for material. I needed support and had issues when I came out. I struggled in my relationships and I had much to deal with being in and eventually, out of a partnership. And somewhere in that process, I recalled inappropriate actions by my dad that one of my counselors termed "covert sexual abuse".

Over time, my diagnosis moved from "dysthymia" to "adjustment disorder". That works for me—because there was a lot of head and heart adjusting going on in those rooms! I started therapy at the fortunate time when long-term care was covered by insurance. Today the idea is "diagnose, give some good pointers over four sessions, and poof, your client is healed—send him/her on their way!" Healed? I doubt it. Coming with the baggage I had, I am sure that strategy would not have worked for me.

* * * *

As the patient blithering away, sometimes in crisis, I don't remember much of the specifics of my sessions. I wonder how much I can say objectively about therapy. Did I realize that in a good counseling situation, there is a Trinity—me, the counselor, and that Third Party? Doubtful, but I fully comprehend that now. Did I appreciate that confession is good for the soul and that there is deep healing in just being heard by someone; someone who accepts you where you were and who you were at that time (absolution)? I don't think I really got that until I started Twelve Step programs. Did I recognize that while we were exercising my ego and unconscious, I was freeing not only the supposed "bad" parts of me, but the "good" in me that was also being suppressed? No; that awareness and appreciation only came to me via The Mankind Project.

Sure; trust was required. I had to believe that my counselor possessed technical knowledge that could benefit my healing. But here was another gift of my hotline service: I knew that my counselor also had to have the ability to step aside, to be the channel for that "Third Party". I interviewed potential counselors and rejected them either upon my lack of trust in their skills, a technical, head issue, or what I "felt" was their inability to step aside and let something Greater come through them. So The Voice had its "hand" in there somewhere!

For the most part, my counselors possessed both skill and Grace, so miraculous realizations and releases occurred for me in those rooms. However, from speaking with friends, relatives and sponsees over the years, counseling has not proved universally so effective; so blessed. I have two, overlapping theories why:

•Being fallible human beings, counselors can be unhealed healers. I have heard it said that many counselors go into the field in an attempt to heal themselves. They may not have done their own internal work and they may be unaware of their own issues. They may not understand the existence of a Trinity—I doubt it is something they teach in counseling school! Finally, one must wonder how clear the counselor's own connection is to a Higher Power. Formal education in such a personal, human calling can dull the counselor's connection rather than sharpen it!

Deluded that s/he has superior knowledge and insight, these counselors attempt to take over Higher Power's role in the healing process. The counselor decides what the patient should do and then subtly (or not so subtly) pushes the client to their solution—working with the client's mind but not his/her heart. Because the counselor's solution may not be the Light choice—and I believe we all have the Integrity within us to recognize that—such counseling confuses rather than clarifies. It unleashes defense responses in the client, perhaps adding to his/her pain but definitely diverting the healing that could come from Grace.

I urge others to choose their counselor wisely and to hold his/her counsel lightly. Formal degrees do not relieve the patient from looking within for Higher Guidance.

Even as excellent as my counselors were, I had to have the guts—the balls—to say on more than one occasion: "Thank you for your input. And this is my life!"

•Most people are confused about the true goal of therapy. It isn't to be happy; it's to awake. To awake to all parts in oneself—including those parts that one wants to hide from the world and oneself. To accept and adapt to Life on its terms, not on the basis of how well it conforms to one's dream. . . fantasy. . . that life should be one unending banquet of happy, blissful experiences. (To the extent that a therapist buys into this fallacy, treatment is likely to go even more awry.)

This fallacy is one I have seen time and again in my experiences with a host of religious/spiritual/thought systems. (I call these "technologies".) The participants believe that the technology will allow them to avoid pain, resolve their problems, and give them certainty about life—and maybe, beyond that. They want a community that will provide a loving, interesting, and fun group of people—maybe even a life partner. They want to hide out from those whose differences and experiences might challenge them. In short, they want a pleasant cocoon to block out life. And if that is not enough, they expect a peak experience within that cocoon—every time out!

Is it any surprise why so many become disillusioned when they realize that one must do the work for a technology to reveal its benefits to his/her uncovery? That being active in that system or in a community will not automatically create bliss or save them from the vicissitudes of life? Even when one has a peak experience, there will usually be the sorrow of seeing it fade in the rearview mirror of time. Then one must return to the day-to-day practice, often with no assurance or even a hint that a peak experience may ever occur again.

I have seen so many people quit and try something newer, stronger, better. . . easier. Happiness does not result—how can it? The goal is still off base. So the person becomes disillusioned again and tries something else. S/he becomes a "spiritual junkie". Or maybe s/he just stops seeking altogether. . .

As we say in The Mankind Project: "You spot it, you got it!" To a varying extent, I have been guilty of all of these illusions, in each of the technologies in which I participated. To the extent I did so, I was unhappy—and probably made others miserable as well. To those I annoyed or hurt, I urge the work of forgiveness. Do it for yourself, not for me!

* * * *

Counseling was an important step in my personal growth. I owe my counselors an enormous debt. In my early years of uncovery, counseling was my lifeline. Their willingness and capability to be that channel for Grace definitely and deeply helped me on my path. But over time, I gained enough growth, healing, and participated in so many other opportunities for Grace that I knew I was complete with this technology.

Bless you Judy, Gerry and Nic! May you see some of your wisdom in these pages and those to follow!