Читать книгу The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe - Various - Страница 74

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Two gentlemen their appetite had fed,

When opening his toothpick-case, one said,

"It was not until lately that I knew

That anchovies on terra firma grew.

"Grow!" cried the other, "yes, they GROW, indeed,

Like other fish, but not upon the land;

You might as well say grapes grow on a reed,

Or in the Strand!"

"Why, sir," returned the irritated other,

"My brother,

When at Calcutta

Beheld them bona fide growing;

He wouldn't utter

A lie for love or money, sir; so in

This matter you are thoroughly mistaken."

"Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit

To the assertion—none e'er saw or read it;

Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken."

"Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are

Perverse—in short—"

"Sir," said the other, sucking his cigar,

And then his port—

"If you will say impossibles are true,

You may affirm just any thing you please—

That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue,

And elephants inhabit Stilton cheese!

Only you must not, FORCE me to believe

What's propagated merely to deceive."

"Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool,"

Return'd the bragger.

Language like this no man can suffer cool:

It made the listener stagger;

So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied,

"The traveler LIED

Who had the impudence to tell it you;"

"Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my face

That anchovies DON'T grow like cloves and mace?"

"I DO!"

Disputants often after hot debates

Leave the contention as they found it—bone,

And take to duelling or thumping tetes;

Thinking by strength of artery to atone

For strength of argument; and he who winces

From force of words, with force of arms convinces!

With pistols, powder, bullets, surgeons, lint,

Seconds, and smelling-bottles, and foreboding,

Our friends advanced; and now portentous loading

(Their hearts already loaded) serv'd to show

It might be better they shook hands—but no;

When each opines himself, though frighten'd, right

Each is, in courtesy, oblig'd to fight!

And they DID fight: from six full measured paces

The unbeliever pulled his trigger first;

And fearing, from the braggart's ugly faces,

The whizzing lead had whizz'd its very worst,

Ran up, and with a DUELISTIC fear

(His ire evanishing like morning vapors),

Found nim possess'd of one remaining ear,

Who in a manner sudden and uncouth,

Had given, not lent, the other ear to truth;

For while the surgeon was applying lint,

He, wriggling, cried—"The deuce is in't—Sir! I MEANT—CAPERS!"