Читать книгу The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe - Various - Страница 85

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Gengulphus comes from the Holy Land,

With his scrip, and his bottle, and sandal shoon;

Full many a day hath he been away,

Yet his lady deems him return'd full soon.

Full many a day hath he been away,

Yet scarce had he crossed ayont the sea,

Ere a spruce young spark of a Learned Clerk

Had called on his Lady, and stopp'd to tea.

This spruce young guest, so trimly drest,

Stay'd with that Lady, her revels to crown;

They laugh'd, and they ate, and they drank of the best

And they turn'd the old castle quite upside down.

They would walk in the park, that spruce young Clerk,

With that frolicsome Lady so frank and free,

Trying balls and plays, and all manner of ways,

To get rid of what French people call Ennui.

* * * * * *

Now the festive board with viands is stored,

Savory dishes be there, I ween,

Rich puddings and big, and a barbacued pig,

And ox-tail soup in a China tureen.

There's a flagon of ale as large as a pail—

When, cockle on hat, and staff in hand,

While on naught they are thinking save eating and drinking,

Gengulphus walks in from the Holy Land!

"You must be pretty deep to catch weasels asleep,"

Says the proverb: that is "take the Fair unawares."

A maid o'er the banisters chancing to peep,

Whispers, "Ma'am, here's Gengulphus a-coming up-stairs."

Pig, pudding, and soup, the electrified group,

With the flagon pop under the sofa in haste,

And contrive to deposit the Clerk in the closet,

As the dish least of all to Gengulphus's taste.

Then oh! what rapture, what joy was exprest,

When "poor dear Gengulphus" at last appear'd!

She kiss'd and she press'd "the dear man" to her breast,

In spite of his "great, long, frizzly beard."

Such hugging and squeezing! 'twas almost unpleasing,

A smile on her lip, and a tear in her eye;

She was so very glad, that she seem'd half mad,

And did not know whether to laugh or to cry.

Then she calls up the maid and the table-cloth's laid,

And she sends for a pint of the best Brown Stout;

On the fire, too, she pops some nice mutton-chops,

And she mixes a stiff glass of "Cold Without."

Then again she began at the "poor dear" man;

She press'd him to drink, and she press'd him to eat,

And she brought a foot-pan, with hot water and bran,

To comfort his "poor dear" travel-worn feet.

"Nor night nor day since he'd been away,

Had she had any rest," she "vow'd and declared."

She "never could eat one morsel of meat,

For thinking how 'poor dear' Gengulphus fared."

She "really did think she had not slept a wink

Since he left her, although he'd been absent so long,"

Here he shook his head—right little he said,

But he thought she was "coming it rather too strong."

Now his palate she tickles with the chops and the pickles

Till, so great the effect of that stiff gin grog,

His weaken'd body, subdued by the toddy,

Falls out of the chair, and he lies like a log.

Then out comes the Clerk from his secret lair;

He lifts up the legs, and she lifts up the head,

And, between them, this most reprehensible pair

Undress poor Gengulphus and put him to bed.

Then the bolster they place athwart his face,

And his night-cap into his mouth they cram;

And she pinches his nose underneath the clothes,

Till the "poor dear soul" goes off like a lamb.

* * * * *

And now they tried the deed to hide;

For a little bird whisper'd "Perchance you may swing;

Here's a corpse in the case, with a sad swell'd face,

And a Medical Crowner's a queer sort of thing!"

So the Clerk and the wife, they each took a knife,

And the nippers that nipp'd the loaf-sugar for tea;

With the edges and points they sever'd the joints

At the clavicle, elbow, hip, ankle, and knee.

Thus, limb from limb, they dismember'd him

So entirely, that e'en when they came to his wrists,

With those great sugar-nippers they nipped off his "flippers,"

As the Clerk, very flippantly, termed his fists.

When they cut off his head, entertaining a dread

Lest the folks should remember Gengulphus's face,

They determined to throw it where no one could know it,

Down the well—and the limbs in some different place.

But first the long beard from the chin they shear'd,

And managed to stuff that sanctified hair,

With a good deal of pushing, all into the cushion

That filled up the seat of a large arm-chair.

They contriv'd to pack up the trunk in a sack,

Which they hid in an osier-bed outside the town,

The Clerk bearing arms, legs, and all on his back,

As that vile Mr. Greenacre served Mrs. Brown.

But to see now how strangely things sometimes turn out,

And that in a manner the least expected!

Who could surmise a man ever could rise

Who'd been thus carbonado'd, out up, and dissected?

No doubt 't would surprise the pupils at Guy's;

I am no unbeliever—no man can say that o' me—

But St. Thomas himself would scarce trust his own eyes

If he saw such a thing in his School of Anatomy.

You may deal as you please with Hindoos and Chinese,

Or a Mussulman making his heathen salaam, or

A Jew or a Turk, but it's rather guess work

When a man has to do with a Pilgrim or Palmer.

* * * * *

By chance the Prince Bishop, a Royal Divine,

Sends his cards round the neighborhood next day, and urges his

Wish to receive a snug party to dine,

Of the resident clergy, the gentry, and burgesses.

At a quarter past five they are all alive,

At the palace, for coaches are fast rolling in,

And to every guest his card had express'd

"Half-past" as the hour for "a greasy chin."

Some thirty are seated, and handsomely treated

With the choicest Rhine wine in his Highness's stock

When a Count of the Empire, who felt himself heated,

Requested some water to mix with his Hock.

The Butler, who saw it, sent a maid out to draw it,

But scarce had she given the windlass a twirl,

Ere Gengulphus's head, from the well's bottom, said

In mild accents, "Do help us out, that's a good girl!"

Only fancy her dread when she saw a great head

In her bucket;—with fright she was ready to drop:—

Conceive, if you can, how she roar'd and she ran,

With the head rolling after her, bawling out "Stop!"

She ran and she roar'd, till she came to the board

Where the Prince Bishop sat with his party around,

When Gengulphus's poll, which continued to roll

At her heels, on the table bounced up with a bound.

Never touching the cates, or the dishes or plates,

The decanters or glasses, the sweetmeats or fruits,

The head smiles, and begs them to bring his legs,

As a well-spoken gentleman asks for his boots.

Kicking open the casement, to each one's amazement

Straight a right leg steps in, all impediment scorns,

And near the head stopping, a left follows hopping

Behind—for the left leg was troubled with corns.

Next, before the beholders, two great brawny shoulders,

And arms on their bent elbows dance through the throng;

While two hands assist, though nipped off at the wrist,

The said shoulders in bearing the body along.

They march up to the head, not one syllable said,

For the thirty guests all stare in wonder and doubt,

As the limbs in their sight arrange and unite,

Till Gengulphus, though dead, looks as sound as a trout.

I will venture to say, from that hour to this day,

Ne'er did such an assembly behold such a scene;

Or a table divide fifteen guests of a side

With a dead body placed in the center between.

Yes, they stared—well they might at so novel a sight

No one utter'd a whisper, a sneeze, or a hem,

But sat all bolt upright, and pale with affright;

And they gazed at the dead man, the dead man at them.

The Prince Bishop's Jester, on punning intent,

As he view'd the whole thirty, in jocular terms

Said "They put him in mind of a Council of Trente

Engaged in reviewing the Diet of Worms."

But what should they do?—Oh! nobody knew

What was best to be done, either stranger or resident;

The Chancellor's self read his Puffendorf through

In vain, for his book could not furnish a precedent.

The Prince Bishop mutter'd a curse, and a prayer,

Which his double capacity hit to a nicety;

His Princely, or Lay, half induced him to swear,

His Episcopal moiety said "Benedicite!"

The Coroner sat on the body that night,

And the jury agreed—not a doubt could they harbor—

"That the chin of the corpse—the sole thing brought to light—

Had been recently shav'd by a very bad barber."

They sent out Van Taunsend, Von Burnie, Von Roe,

Von Maine, and Von Rowantz—through chalets and chateaux,

Towns, villages, hamlets, they told them to go,

And they stuck up placards on the walls of the Stadthaus.