Читать книгу Be Happy, Always - Xandria Ooi - Страница 13

It’s Okay to Be Not Okay

<Acceptance>

When we are physically injured, everyone can see it; most people will even have sympathy for a physical injury, like when we have a broken arm or leg. But when we’re mentally and emotionally hurt, it’s something that people cannot see. And because of the lack of tangible evidence, it is so much harder to actually explain and justify our unhappiness, even to ourselves.

No one thinks they are “not normal” when they have a fever, yet we’ll ask ourselves if we’re “not normal” when we feel depressed.

One of the problems with happiness is the way we view unhappiness. We seem to see unhappiness as “not normal.” But there is no normal state of being—to be human is to experience all emotions: happiness and sadness, joy and grief.

So many of us think that when we’re not happy, something is wrong. We take note of the times we feel sad, down, and depressed, and we allow these experiences and feelings to make us believe that our life isn’t very valuable. We don’t think it consciously, but the despair we feel comes from a sense of worthlessness, where it becomes hard to see the meaning of our lives.

We do not look down upon a child born without arms or a person who is deaf, we don’t pity them or treat them with disdain; we see them as they are—human beings who can make choices about how they want to live their lives. So why would we see our own sadness or depression as a disability that is crippling us? It’s just part of who we are. There’s nothing wrong with us when we don’t feel happy.

No matter how dark the days get, no matter how difficult it is to just get through another day, remember that you are human and that human beings have to face and resolve many issues in life. Sometimes, we have to live with the issues we cannot solve.

One thing is clear—the solutions to problems, including those of physical and mental pain, don’t come from hating ourselves or hating our own lives. There is always a reason for the sadness we feel, and we need to examine the source. If it’s something we can work on ourselves, then we can practice letting go and removing what is stopping us from being able to access our happiness. If it’s not something we can do on our own, we can seek professional help.

When you’re not feeling well, remember that you are not lacking or stupid or weak—you are human, and your mind or body is telling you it needs some help, along with a lot of understanding and loving kindness from you.

I talked about this with my mom, who faces a few health challenges in life that cause her pain and physical discomfort. Despite what she experiences, she has always been happy with her life. She faces her challenges by taking actions to put things right and not fighting the situation that already exists.

My mom is human, so there are days where she feels emotionally affected and down. Some nights, she has anxiety attacks that keep her up. When things are difficult, it is her ability to be able to experience discomfort or pain without suffering that give her the ability to be at peace and to be happy.

The choice to not suffer isn’t just a feeling, it’s a practice. I’ve seen my mom going through the different stages of acceptance over the years; it takes practice to accept, let go, and be at peace.

When we experience hardships, it doesn’t matter that we can’t immediately change how we feel toward them. We may go through a process of wishing that things were different, and from there, move forward with trying to accept our situation, and then one day, find ourselves able to truly be at peace with something that used to bother us. It is as it is.

The practice of acceptance does not start with ignoring the fact that we are unhappy, pretending that we don’t feel depressed, nor with brushing away or burying all the difficult emotions we feel. In fact, it’s the opposite—we can only make the choice to not suffer if we can fully acknowledge what we’re feeling without denial, and most importantly, without guilt, blame, or resentment.

Having seen my grandmother and my mom go through this, it is evident that being at peace even through pain is not merely wishful thinking but a definite possibility. This always reminds me of how we all have such a huge capacity to appreciate and value our lives even when we don’t feel our best.

Our lives do not become less valuable when we suffer, and this is what we need to remember on the days when it’s difficult to be happy. Don’t let your definition of happiness be based on the feeling you have when everything is going well and there are no problems.

The path on which life takes us is not up to us to dictate and control. Even when we take care of our health, we can still fall ill. Even when we are the nicest and kindest people we are able to be, we can still get hurt. Where there is pleasure, there is always displeasure. Where there is excitement, there is always boredom. Where there is health, there is always sooner or later illness as well. Where there is love, there is always heartbreak.

This is the way life is.

People can support us, but only we can help ourselves; and it starts with being okay with not being okay. When we give ourselves permission to accept the bad days, the negative days, and the depressed days…then we can truly appreciate being alive, no matter the circumstance.