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Don’t Let Resentment Eat Away at Your Relationship

<Awareness>

All of us communicate using much more than just what we say or hear. Even without words, we are always communicating through the energy and vibe we bring to a space, and these are a direct manifestation of our thoughts. If we have expectations, it’s no use saying we don’t have them, because our thoughts always manifest in a vibration that can be felt by the other person.

When we have expectations of how our partner should be, our partner will feel like they’re constantly being measured according to some sort of benchmark or ideal. As a result, they will feel judged. When they feel judged, it will cause them to feel resentful. We, in turn, can feel their resentment and resistance, and we will feel more and more frustrated about why it is becoming so much more difficult to be happy together.

This is why we can love someone so deeply and do so much for them, yet our relationships don’t improve, because no matter how much we love someone, as long as we are holding onto our expectations, the judgement, resentment, and resistance going both ways can always be felt in a relationship.

This is why even when someone says “sorry” to you, you may get even more upset because you feel like they are holding onto resistance about the thing for which they are apologizing, and that makes you feel like their apology is not sincere. It is why you can keep telling someone you love them without your beloved feeling happy about it, because while you are expressing your love, they can also feel the underlying resentment you still have simmering away.

This is due to the fact that we nonverbally communicate our expectations, judgements, resentment, and resistance more loudly than the words we say out loud. We can feel the unhappiness our partner has toward us and vice versa—it’s why both parties become more defensive and less willing to give.

This rings true in any kind of relationship, be it a relationship with a partner, family members, or our colleagues at work. It is the reason why we can put so much effort into being nice to someone—even sacrificing for the person—yet not see any improvement in the relationship. When resentment is present, no matter how hard we try, things deteriorate instead of improve.

In the first few years of my marriage with Yuri, the resentments we both carried showed up through small, everyday things, and when we tried to talk about it, we couldn’t do it without arguing. It was why we could spend hours talking yet not really ever progress very far.

You can love someone, but they may not feel loved because they can feel your disapproval and judgement. This was the reason why Yuri and I didn’t feel like we were supported or loved—we could also feel the underlying vibe of disapproval when one person didn’t measure up to what the other one expected. Even though we didn’t intentionally set out to make the other person feel like they weren’t good enough, that feeling was what naturally brought up a reaction of resentment. Expectations lead to resentment, and resentment always leads to judgement.

Love is essential in a relationship, but no matter how much we love someone, it will be difficult to have a happy relationship if we have expectations evoking resentment that eats away at the love.