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We Cannot Find Happiness, Because It Has Never Been Lost

<Understanding>

When we’re feeling discontented with life, we often want to “find” happiness.

This is why happiness can seem so elusive to so many of us—we’re constantly seeking something that cannot be found. But how can we find something that’s not lost in the first place?

We use the word unhappy when the feeling of happiness is absent, but what we often mean is that we’re frustrated or dissatisfied or upset or lost. What’s important to know is that when we feel this way, our happiness has not disappeared—our happiness is still right there, it’s just that there are so many difficulties and challenges in life to contend with that they may become barriers that block our access to our happiness.

As human beings, it is already part of our instincts to try to be happy when we are unhappy, and this is a major reason why we automatically default to seeking happiness when we are unhappy.

This is why it’s instinctive for us to seek external pleasure when we’re feeling down, because it truly does lift us up for a while. We go away on a holiday and we feel better (until we get home). We indulge in retail therapy and we feel better (until the bill comes). We finish a pint of ice cream and we feel better (until we start to feel fat). Yet at some point, most, if not all of us, recognize that our spike in happiness is temporary, that we almost always feel the same way, if not worse, after we’ve indulged in the pleasures that life has to offer.

The unhappiness lingers, even after we’ve tried so hard to lift ourselves up. This is because the obstacles that block our access to our happiness firmly remain where they are. It’s not that we’re not trying to be happy, it’s that our efforts are always spent trying to navigate around the obstacles instead of removing them from our path. We get very good at addressing the symptoms of our problems without identifying or understanding the root causes of our unhappiness.

What are the barriers between us and our happiness?

When we look on the surface, the barriers to joy are stressful work situations, painful relationships, and difficult people. But when we look beyond the surface and delve deeper, we will begin to see that it is we ourselves who are blocking the way to our own happiness—with our needs, fears, insecurities, resentment, anger, and all the emotions and expectations that weight us down because we cannot let go of them. It is always what is unresolved in our hearts and minds that stops us from being able to be at peace.

This can sound like bad news, but when you think about it, it’s actually a relief. Because when you know that you are the source of what is keeping you away from the happiness in your life, then you know that you are also the person capable of changing it.

Even though it can seem scary to take responsibility for our happiness, it’s actually empowering. The power we all have over the quality of our lives is immense. Life is not what or who happens to us, it is how we respond to what or who happens to us, and our responses are always a manifestation of our own perspective, needs, and fears.

This is why when life is difficult, it doesn’t help our happiness to look outside ourselves, because that leads us down the path of seeking happiness externally without understanding ourselves, which means any pleasure gained is short-lived.

Because of this, we can feel like we’re constantly trying so hard to figure out ways to be happy at work and in our relationships, yet we’re ending up frustrated that it’s not paying off. Also, in the same way, we can feel like we’re putting in so much effort to be nice and understanding yet still wind up feeling it’s never enough.

This is why when we’re not happy in our job, we change jobs. It’s why when we’re not happy in a relationship, we find a new relationship. Yet we still continue feeling unhappy. No matter how hard we try, our problems are either still there or they manifest in other ways.

It’s not that we cannot change jobs or relationships—in fact, we must discern when to exit something that is not healthy for us—but often we don’t know whether to stay or when to leave because we don’t understand ourselves well enough. If we don’t thoroughly understand ourselves, we will always be trying to find happiness externally.

Feeling unhappy is part of life, and when we are unhappy, it’s important not to merely seek happiness but to uncover the layers upon layers of what is blocking our access to our happiness—and that requires us to look within.

If we don’t understand ourselves, we’ll keep blaming people and circumstances for causing our unhappiness, and we won’t be able to truly identify the root of what is holding us back. We’ll keep feeling frustrated and angry and jealous and resentful and guilty and shameful without the awareness that we can release ourselves from all these barriers—because the roadblocks to our happiness are internal.

If we keep looking outwards when we have problems—if we keep thinking that it is other people or the environment that are the problem—then we will find ourselves repeating the same pattern of unhappiness and discontentment over and over again. We won’t be able to be happy no matter where we work or how wonderful our relationship partner is.

What helps us identify and remove the barriers to our happiness is to look within to understand why we are allowing people and circumstance to have such a negative impact on us. This is when our minds have the clarity to see that our reactions to people and circumstances are often driven by our insecurities, fears, needs, expectations, judgements, self-righteousness, and so much more.

If we don’t recognize that our happiness has always been with us, we will end up seeking happiness in the form of emotions, and we’ll try to constantly create the feeling of pleasure, euphoria, or elation. We may even search for happiness like it’s a goal or something to be achieved.

Yet no matter how hard we search, if we are not willing to work on ourselves, we won’t be able to access our happiness no matter where we go, whom we’re with, or what we do. This is why we can have the most amazing careers and the most loving families yet feel unfulfilled in life. In life, it doesn’t bode well for us to seek more happiness to replace the unhappiness we feel. Inner peace just doesn’t work that way.

There is no antidote in the outside world for the unhappiness we feel deep within. Things will happen to us, and people will affect us, but only we have absolute power over the joy we have. This helps us understand that while things may not be our fault, our happiness is always our responsibility.

No matter who or what happens in our lives, it really helps to understand that our joy has not disappeared. The work isn’t to find happiness, but to remove the barriers to being able to deal with our own suffering and unhappiness. Peace is something that only we can give ourselves.