Читать книгу Oedipus in Brooklyn and Other Stories - Blume Lempel - Страница 11

EVEN THE HEAVENS TELL LIES

I was not born mute. My silence is not genetic. Something jammed up inside me and I stopped speaking — when and why, I no longer remember. I listen to what people say, but I cannot answer them. In my mind, I speak to the shadows that populate my world, to the wind and the rain — and to the cat living outside my door. The cat is the one who insists on the separation, not me. Innately stubborn, she always declines when I invite her to share the shelter of my four walls. I don’t try to coax her into my friendly lap, there to nap and there, like Hamlet, perchance to dream. Within the muddle of her feline brain, a thousand tangled nerves warn her to stay away from people. I respect the attitude of her kind and admire her willpower. It takes strength to refuse a warm corner when the temperature drops below zero and the snow covers her accustomed footpaths. Her courage and self-sacrifice touch me to the depths, where my pain is buried. I start to laugh, softly at first, under my breath — a queer, choked laughter — and then, as if I’ve touched an electric current, my shoulders begin to quiver and my knees give out. I see stars, and my head spins — a sign that the pain is rising, threatening to flood my consciousness with its lava. At that point I know not to wait any longer and I stick in the needle.

People wonder why I never cry. The doctors think that if I did, the walls of my resistance might crumble and I might be able to speak again. They’ve even tried hurting me physically, but the pain only made me laugh.

And yet I remember that I used to cry, to speak, to tell and retell the stories I used to hear on winter nights around the stove. I’d brush the mildew from the old pages and arrange them lovingly on memory’s shelf. In my mind, fantastic Edens bloomed and white birds spread their wings to guard the boundary between good and evil.

Growing up, I had no reason to doubt the established order. Enclosed within my father’s words and my mother’s tears, the world came to me as a finished product, and I accepted its colors and nuances as part of the natural arrangement of things. Just as the sun rose every morning behind our barn and set every evening behind the tree that my father pointed to, so I stayed within the picture frame, walking in the light, avoiding the shadows, never straying beyond the borders. The house where I was born and grew up was my personal fortress. Over the walls a roof and over the roof a sky — a frame atop a frame, double insurance against malevolent forces that lay in wait beyond. When my father shut the gate every evening, I was certain that nothing harmful would befall me. The peasants on the other side of the river might be wounding one another with knives, the wind might be howling and the forest black as hell, but I didn’t worry. I had no doubt that what lay within the frame could resist all the dark powers.

Maybe it was the strength of my belief in that order, in the bookkeeper’s columns of good and bad, in words, in the talk that sustained those concepts — perhaps this was why I ceased to speak.

When I lived with the squirrel in the forest, speech was unnecessary. From her, I learned the art of survival. With eyes open and mouth shut, I followed in her tracks, learning to beware of the slightest rustle, the tiniest vibration from miles away. Life there sharpened my senses until I could distinguish between prey and predator and identify animals and people by scent alone.

She led me to trees laden with nuts. In that region the squirrels were plump and well-fed. Once, lightning set fire to a tree and incinerated a whole family of them. I remember the taste of those singed creatures. The grease trickled down as I gnawed the marrow of their charred bones. I felt the power of their extinguished lives filling my veins with strength. New energy welled up inside me. I felt as strong as Samson and left my forest bunker ready to take on the murderers and finish them off with a single blow.

In such limpid moments, the scent of my mother’s body would come to me, her skin smelling of noodles fried in oil and honey. How good it felt to cry on her breast! “Children’s tears never go to waste,” she used to say. “Innocent tears find their way to the Throne of God.”

I did not cry my last tears before God. I cried before Temke, our peasant neighbor. I wanted him to bury my parents, and so I cried before him. I never cried again.

I don’t know how I managed to bury my parents in the Jewish cemetery. Today this holy ground is covered with cement. A cultural center has been erected, with a red roof and playgrounds and peaceful gardens where Temke and his fellow lowlifes can enjoy themselves. There was a time when I believed that only from this cemetery could the souls of my parents ascend to the loftiest heights imaginable.

After the last roundup, when my parents were killed, I left Temke’s barn and went into the woods. The darkness that had once frightened me became my protector, sheltering and concealing me. The wind mingled my scent with the smells of the forest. The rain washed away my footprints. I followed the animals and kept away from people. The wind brought me the smell of berries, a dead bird, the rotten carcass of a half-devoured creature. Under cover of night, propelled by hunger, I pursued these scents. The forest took me in without tears, without words, receiving me with indifference, a naked, frank, and savage truth — one single truth for the worm in the grass, the rabbit in the thicket, tree, star, nuts, and me.

In such profound connection, I would close my eyes without fear or sorrow. As I merged with the impersonal ways of nature, my body would forsake me — until the wind stirred and I descended once again to my hiding place.

When I was discovered and returned to life among people, I was unable to utter a word. I thought I’d become deaf to human speech. But that was wishful thinking. In fact, I didn’t want to hear about the enormity of the disaster. Instead, I looked for answers with my eyes. I scrabbled in the garbage with my fingernails. I tasted the dust, pawed at the stones. I sought a path to the house where I was born, the room where my cradle once stood. I looked for the barn behind which the sun would set. I sniffed for my mother’s honeyed scent in the mountains of ash. Even the sky was gone. The horizon had burned away, leaving no center, no foothold, no answer, no purpose.

I searched and searched until the pain exploded, and then I began to laugh. I was taken to a doctor who peered into my eyes, my heart, and my soul, and declared that I needed to rest. Total rest and good care, he said, would calm my nerves and make me normal once more.

I’m sure he meant no harm, this Jewish doctor in his Russian uniform. But the word “normal” provoked me, touching a nerve at the root of my illness. Long-sealed sluices of buried pain burst open. Waves of molten wrath, shame, and murdered hope flooded over the banks, accompanied by spasmodic laughter. I laughed until the flames smothered my breath and I lost consciousness. It was then that the doctor administered the first injection.

I found it difficult to leave the cemetery — not only the one now covered with cement, but also the burial ground of my orderly childhood world. After the efficient destruction, all that remained were chimneys and orphaned walls. I could not bear to leave these, to part with the mound of rubbish and the earthen bench where my friend Rosa’s home once stood. No doubt that bench remembered the Yiddish songs we sang there — and even if the bench did not remember, I could not forget. Nor could I forget Reyzye Paltiels with her gold tooth, through which she filtered her rippling octaves. Reyzye was the only girl in town who could sing “Aida” with all the trills, like a diva. Her exquisite love songs ascended like prayers to the house high on the mountain where Yosele lived. She and I both knew Yosele was standing by the back gate, looking out through a crack. He climbed the towering heights of her song and fluttered on fantasy wings, soaring on the tones of her Song of Songs without regard for the abyss that yawned below. Yosele knew that his father, a wealthy dry goods merchant, would never consent to a match with the daughter of a wagon driver. But Reyzye had her own ideas. She heeded the urgency of her feelings and the power of the kiss she had shared with Yosele in the grove under cover of night.

The apple trees are still standing in Reyzye’s orchard. Perhaps they remember the loving couple’s last kiss, or the tear from Reyzye’s brown eyes, or the sigh that trembled with leaves in the wind.

I sit on the bench as the shadows gather around me. They sprawl at my feet and coil around my throat, my heart, my thoughts — and because I have nothing to say to them, I begin to laugh. I laugh against my will, against my better judgment. I laugh until I stick in the needle and try to convince myself that I’m normal.

The shadows come and go, but my friend Rosa is always beside me. We speak without words, like the river at the foot of the mountain that flows on as though nothing has changed. We do not speak of the torn garments of bereavement that separate us, nor of the sea of blood nor the mountain of ash.

At the foot of the mountain on the other side of the river, the fields extend as far as the eye can see, and the ripe wheat waves in the wind as if yesterday had never happened. Geese and ducks swim in the river, filling the air with their brash cries. In the evening, they shake the water off their wings and return to their nests. The peasant women who have spent all day with the flax lay their sheaves in the shallow water and cover them with mud. They wash their feet and make their way toward home. On that side of the river lies the village with no past. Smoke winds from the peasant chimneys as supper is prepared. Mothers rock their children to sleep. Under one of those thatched roofs lives Temke. In his barn he keeps our cows and the horse I used to ride. For the privilege of spending the winter in that barn, I turned over all our belongings. He took Mother’s gold chain and Father’s watch. In the special Passover dish that was my mother’s pride and joy, Temke now cooks his unkosher delicacies.

I say nothing to Rosa about all this, nor do I tell her that during the winter I spent in Temke’s barn, he raped me. With Rosa I speak in a silent tongue, heart to heart. We gaze upon the slender flaxen threads that drift by like thoughts, floating in the air like the nerves of mutilated bodies that refuse to die. Night falls, but we have nowhere to go. We watch the birds rising from the fields. We do not curse the fields, or the black earth rich with the blood of our murdered world. We don’t talk about today. We immerse ourselves in the past, in girlish dreams, in the crushes we’ll pursue when we’re as old as Reyzye Paltiels.

We talk about Bumke, the boy with the shock of black hair. Rosa still believes he visits our street because he’s after her, but I know that I’m the one he wants. I see him even now in the withered grove. The wind plays with his tousled hair, and I feel his eyes on me and grow hot. I feel he knows what Temke did to me. Perhaps he thinks I’ve been defiled. I can’t blame him. He was not in the forest. And after all, he’s still so young. He will never be older than fifteen.

We talk late into the night, until morning. We talk and we talk, about Israel, about the pioneers who are now there and those who are planning to go. We burn with the passion of speeches made in the Great Synagogue. Even if we can’t grasp the situation with the British, we believe the fiery words of the speakers. We’re part of the fire sweeping through our world, the lava in the mouth of the volcano. We believe in the blue-and-white flag and the Hebrew songs, the agricultural training and the survival of our people. We believe!

When I crossed the ocean, I carried with me the habit of speaking to the shadows, and it became my way of life. I look up at the stars that were extinguished long ago. For me they still shine with the first fire of creation. I don’t care that the heavens tell lies. I accept the fantasy along with the fact. I’m not looking for truth. I’m seeking the faith that I’ve lost, a way out of chaos, a place where my broken self can put down roots. I know the evil powers that live within people and make no attempt to cloak them in pretty words. I don’t separate myself from the community, but I live on the sidelines, like a stranger in my own world. I live with the snakes and scorpions, with the black leeches in my brain, in my blood.

I live with the garden in my backyard. Among the stones I carried with me, flowers grow. I refer to them by the names of those who are no more. They burn like memorial candles, each in its season. My parents, who were killed in winter, emerge from the snow, their tart red berries reaching up like blood-soaked fingers. I watch as the hungry birds peck at the berries one by one. My mother’s white fingers seem to hold out fruit for the birds. I like to think she enjoys having them eat from her hands.

The first bloom that breaks through the winter crust is named Rosa. She appears as a narcissus, white, slender, and shy. The snow may lie at her feet, but she tolerates the bitter weather, bestowing the rich perfumes of her pure soul upon the wind and holding her head high, stretching up with youthful exhilaration. Sometimes she lasts for a day, sometimes for a week, but the bulb stays planted deep in the earth. She will return, and she knows I will be waiting.

My summer flowers, on the other hand, have no fixed identities. They change their character day by day, according to my mood. When the sky is blue, the gladiolus laughs with my cousin Gitl’s sensuous mirth. The pink goblet with its red rim reminds me of Gitl’s half-parted lips. Always eager to be fruitful and multiply, at twenty she was already the mother of two sets of twins. Whenever she was nursing a child, her mind flooded with intoxicating notions. She lowered her gray eyes, ashamed to raise them lest her thoughts be revealed. Perhaps she asked God to forgive her for feeling such heated desire for her husband. It was said that at the very end she was pregnant again. A German put a bullet in her belly and left her lying in the street with her guts spilling out. The sight was so unsettling that the peasants crossed themselves in fear on their way to church that Sunday. In my mind I lift her up and carry her far away from human eyes. Surely if a wolf came upon her in the forest he would devour her. A cannibal would make a feast of her. Yet her ultra-civilized murderer left her lying in the street to show the world what he could do.

The shadows slink around me as I sit in my garden. A smile, a gesture, swims into memory. They are not numbers but living people, each one unique. In the rich soil of my garden, their severed lives are flourishing. Pansies with violet eyes, blue forget-me-nots, red poppies like congealed blood, white roses choked by murderous parasitic vines — side by side with yesterday, a today is blooming. Often I feel that a tomorrow, too, is growing.

Whenever I recall a particular face, I plant a flower. I don’t pamper my blooms with synthetic food. They must cope with the raw elements. Free from illusions, self-aware, they rely on no one but themselves. Soaking up hot sunshine and plenteous rain, hail and hurricane, they know the art of adaptation and survival.

Sometimes, when storms fail to arrive and the thorns on my roses turn limp and passive, a fear overtakes me. In my desperation I summon a storm of my own, awakening shadows with my mute wailing, my wild laughter. I laugh and I storm, and it seems to me that the wind storms with me.