Читать книгу How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters - Brother - Страница 24
ОглавлениеAdulthood—The period of life when responsibilities and commitments slowly choke you out. Also when you start wearing khakis.
Afterlife—Theoretical existence after death, something gullible people trick themselves into accepting as their just reward for a sedentary life.
Animals—Living things that aren’t plants. Some of them you eat, some you keep as pets and the rest are a waste of time.
Alcohol—Fermented or distilled beverages that help you get through the endless parade of bullshit known as life.
Baby—A new human. Also the reason you never see your old best friend anymore.
Birth—The beginning of this whole charade.
Bully—Someone who torments you at some stage in your life, usually school. Take solace in the fact most of them end up killing themselves.
Clothing—Garments intended to shield your body from the elements and express yourself to the world. Also, most are made by children just like you in Bangladesh!
College—School, only with alcohol and casual sex. Despite your best efforts, will not last forever.
Conflict—An antagonistic state of action that should be resolved with words, not fists.
Cops—Bullies with badges. The worst.
Death—The end of life. An inevitability, and, depending on your situation, also a relief.
Divorce—The end of marriage. Also, a by-product of it.
Drugs—Fun chemical substances to use whenever life is boring.
Emotions—States of feeling, including fear, anger, happiness and other ones that make your dad uncomfortable. Enabled and boosted by alcohol.
Food—Material containing the nutrients used in the body of an organism to sustain and promote vital processes. Also, something people take photos of for some fucking reason.
Fuck—Word you will probably end up using more than any other when it’s all said and done.
Fun—A vital part of life that is found in increasingly shorter supply the older you get.
Future—A time yet to come. And a great rapper.
Ghosts—Not real, dude.
Gods—Also not real.
Government—Complex of political institutions, laws and customs through which the function of governing is carried out. The thing your crazy uncle is always yelling about.
Guns—Firearms used by cowards to protect themselves from imaginary threats, promote toxic masculinity and project an inherent sense of superiority.
Humans—Basically a waste of time.
Jokes—Humorous anecdotes that make you laugh, presumably to keep you from crying.
Kill—To end life, or slay on stage (as in comedy).
Language—A complex system of communication. If you want to be impressive, learn more than one.
Lawyer—Professional naysayer and amateur asshole.
Man Cave—Room where a husband goes to watch sports, masturbate and contemplate where it all went wrong.
Marriage—A consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. Doesn’t that sound romantic?
Money—Something generally accepted as a means of payment. That dude vaping outside the bar insists Bitcoin will eventually be one of those things.
Music—Is life, according to annoying people.
No—Never take it for an answer, unless it is in response to a request for sex; in that case, always take it as an answer.
Oxygen—Reactive element found in water, rocks and minerals and organic compounds that is essential for life. Also, a channel girls watch.
Phone—Mobile communication device/vault for your deepest secrets. Despite those facts, is incredibly easy to lose or be hacked.
Plants—Living things that aren’t animals. Some of them you eat, some are used in fabrication or processing and some you smoke when you want to watch hours of Netflix.
Politician—Professional liar.
Racism—Unfortunate, and incorrect, belief that differences lead to an inherent superiority of one particular race. Donald Trump’s entire platform.
School—Supposedly important, though they only tell you that to keep you in line.
She Shed—Female version of the Man Cave, only with more rosé.
Sex—The physical act of love, and a method for creating new life. Anyone who tells you it’s the entire point of life, however, is an asshole.
Shelter—Something that covers or offers protection. A basic human right, yet one that is basically unavailable to millions of people worldwide.
Social Media—Virulent viper pit fueled by rampant insecurity, hollow praise, passive-aggressive behavior and photos of babies and animals.
Taxes—A charge imposed by an authority on persons or property for public purposes. Aside from Death, they’re the only inevitability in life.
Time—Measurable period during which an action or condition exists or continues. Also a construct, man.
Water—Liquid that descends from the clouds as rain, forming all bodies of water on the planet. Boring, yet essential for life—especially when you’re hung over.
Wealth—An overabundance of material possessions or resources. The wealthy are the enemy, BTW.
Wi-Fi—Facility used by wireless computer networking devices to ensure your every inane thought or emotion gets the global audience it so richly deserves.
