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Simple Ways to Not Suck at Sex

1. Be Yourself

Here’s your daily affirmation: You’re a good guy. Your partner presumably feels the same way—if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be your partner. Sex shouldn’t be an audition; if you’re having it, there’s a pretty good chance you’ve already gotten the part. So don’t pull out all the stops in an attempt to impress, don’t play a role (however: do role-play if the situation demands it) and don’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. It can be intimidating to consider the lengthy list of expectations society attaches to sex—most of us don’t have a 6-pack of abs or a 9-inch penis—so just skip the considering altogether. Be secure in the knowledge that your personality, wit and intelligence have gotten you this far, because that security breeds confidence—and confidence goes a long way. If you’re feeling yourself, your partner will too . . . and that’s a good way to guarantee you’ll both get off.

2. Take Your Time

We get it; you’re excited. But there’s no bigger mistake a guy can make than rushing things. One study found it takes anywhere from 15–40 minutes for the average woman to reach orgasm, and it’s not like you’ve got anywhere to be. Foreplay is your friend, but it shouldn’t begin in the bedroom. Be a gentleman beforehand, too, as it sets the stage for everything that comes next. When it’s time to get down to business, start slow. If she’s naked, tell her how she makes you feel. Kiss and caress the nape (that’s a fancy term for “the back”) of her neck, give a bite to her earlobe and gently brush the top, bottom and sides of her breasts—the areas around the areola are more sensitive at first—then move on to the nipples themselves. Don’t be afraid to show off a little strength, either, as a firm grab or a gnash will help remind her that you are, in fact, an actual man with muscles and everything (or at least let her live that fantasy). If you find that your foreplay game isn’t working out, ask her what she likes, and help her relax by reminding her that you’ve got all night. You’ve been building to this moment for a while now; you might as well enjoy it.

3. Go Down South

Continue moving down her body, until you reach her vagina . . . but don’t rush headlong into oral sex. Kiss her inner thighs and her inner and outer lips first, then use your tongue to work your way inside. Broad, firm strokes work well, and it’s important to pay attention to the way she responds. Her hips will hint at how well your rhythm is working (or if it isn’t), and if she grasps your head and holds it in place, don’t you dare move. Now’s the time to locate her clitoris, the small, button-y thing near the junction of her inner lips, above the urethra. Tease it with your tongue, but don’t hammer it—the clit is incredibly sensitive, and a portion of it actually withdraws into her body during arousal to prevent an overload. Moving your tongue in a Figure 8 motion around the clitoris changes up the pace and helps bring her to orgasm. What should you be doing with your hands? Well, you can work touch into your technique, use your hands to grab her breasts, or place a hand on her stomach; that way you’ll be able to sense the muscle contractions that precede an orgasm. And always remember that the vagina is a wonderfully complex thing; if you’re not getting the results you desire, ask her for guidance. She’ll tell you what she likes, and there’s no shame in admitting you’ve been vexed by the mystery of the vagina. You certainly wouldn’t be the first guy.

4. Situational Awareness

OK, so it’s time to have sex. Do you have a condom? Cool, put it on. Now, take stock of the situation—is this a hot-and-heavy, clearing-shit-off-a-countertop encounter, or a soft-and-sensual, all-night-long affair? Because each requires a different approach. There’s nothing wrong with slamming away if the situation demands it (hey, you’ve got school in the morning), but as a general rule of thumb, it’s never a bad idea to switch up speed and stroke. Regardless, ease your way into things, don’t just stuff it in and start pumping away. There’s a good chance you’ll know the right way to proceed, and we’re not about to tell you there’s one correct way to have sex. That goes for positions, too. You don’t need to get acrobatic, though sometimes it’s fun, and you shouldn’t always be in control of the situation. Let your partner take the reins every now and again, there’s a good chance they’ll actually teach you something.