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How to Make Friends After the Apocalypse

You probably weren’t great at making friends before the Apocalypse—after all, you are reading a book—but it’s never too late to learn! Also, the atmospheric radiation levels make it dangerous to leave your cave for extended periods, so you’ve got to make your time beneath the Tri-Suns count!

Barter.

One way to fast-track a relationship is by starting one of necessity—you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. For example, perhaps you cross paths with a nomadic fisherman adept at pulling Sawtoothed Tarponsharks from the fast-flowing waters of the Vaalbarian watershed. What potential skills can you offer her/him? Your ability to critique memes at length must surely be worth a few pounds of mercury-laden fish-flesh.

Watering Holes.

To meet people, you gotta go where the people are! Scour the basalt flats for sources of fresh water—weary travelers will surely congregate there for a little R&R. To ease their exhaustion, try opening with a joke like “Oh, did you just drink that? That’s my private bathroom.” You’re sure to have a laugh.

Wandering.

One benefit of Armageddon: lots of abandoned cityscapes slowly being reclaimed by nature! What better way to locate a local tribe of itinerate hunter/gatherers than a midday stroll through a once-bustling metropolis? Just make sure to pack your boomstick—you never know when you might also locate the occasional mutant, driven mad by hunger.

Hunting Clubs.

Humans are social animals for a reason: we hunt in packs. You were probably terrible at sports before the Apocalypse, so now’s the time to impress some new friends by unleashing your unbridled primal rage on a herd of Hadean Leaping Deer. If you’re still struggling, try being the funny guy: Ease the tension with a light joke—“You guys want to hear a duck call?”—followed by an obnoxious fart. For some reason, potty humor goes over like gangbusters after the Apocalypse. Must be instinct.

Bone Collecting.

There are mountains of them out there.

Warmth.

It’s going to get cold during those lonely evenings without electricity—remember the days of Netflix & chill?!? So consider organizing a community cuddle puddle for survival (don’t mention the friend-making bit outright, you don’t want to come off as creepy). When cuddling with a stranger, ask themselves questions about themselves to put them at ease: “How long have you owned that bloodstained shirt?” “Love the beard, is that since the big day or for fun?” “How many loved ones did you lose on the day fire rained down from the heavens?”

Feats of Strength.

While the Warlord Kings of the Paleo-Tethys Plains use feats of strength to establish dominance and build harems, the oral histories of Old Earth tell us that men once bonded through competition. So make it clear that the loser of this particular battle must become your friend. In order to pull this off, do one specific exercise many times repeatedly for several months. For instance, do pull-ups every morning while slowly increasing your maximum result. When you find a contender, challenge them to a pull-up contest. If you win: hey, new friend! If you lose, they may attempt to kill you. Thankfully, you’ve been doing pull-ups for 7 straight months to prepare for this moment.