Читать книгу How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters - Brother - Страница 13
ОглавлениеEver since the first fish pulled itself out of the primordial ooze and proclaimed to any organic compound within earshot that Stanley Kubrick was overrated, life has been defined by conflict. It’s the reason why, over the course of the next 15-20 million years, humans developed a “fight-or-flight” response, a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived attack or threat to survival. Otherwise we’d just be punching everyone.
So it’s not a stretch to say the secret to life is decoding conflict—understanding its root cause and formulating the proper response. In other words, knowing when it’s time to fight, or when it’s better to simply fly (or, you know, walk) away.
Not surprisingly, this is more difficult than it seems. After all, every conflict is fueled by emotions, and emotions are harder to check than Connor McDavid. So we’ve prepared this list of conflicts that will more than likely end in confrontation to help you navigate these choppy waters, and hopefully keep you from getting punched in the face. Make sure to keep it with you at all times for quick reference.
You’re having a proper night out with friends when suddenly, it’s go time.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High. Welcome to Bar Brawl City.
ROOT CAUSE: Did you see someone get hit by a chair? Toss a drink on a stranger? If you didn’t witness it with your own eyes, don’t assume you know how it started.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: If you didn’t see the slight, the appropriate response is flight. Just make sure to pull your buddy out of the fight pit before you bolt.
You are drunk and perceive some action as disrespectful.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Off the charts. You are drunk.
ROOT CAUSE: Honestly, probably something you did. You are drunk.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Go home. You are drunk.
A stranger has just made an inappropriate comment to your special lady friend.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High. You don’t want to lose face in front of said special lady friend.
ROOT CAUSE: Either alcohol or jealousy. Probably both.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: You won’t like this, but flight. Definitely get up in the guy’s face before you leave, though, and make sure to mention the “alcohol or jealousy” bit.
A stranger has just inappropriately touched your special lady friend.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High. See above.
ROOT CAUSE: Either alcohol or jealousy. Probably both.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: See above, then forget it. Every man must fight sometimes, so punch that dude in the fucking face.
Your coworker has ratted you out to the boss.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Moderate. Unless you slept with the boss’ daughter.
ROOT CAUSE: A toxic mix of sycophancy and social climbing.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Talk to your coworker about it face-to-face. To be fair, most bosses don’t like rats, either, so there’s a good chance your coworker will eventually get what’s coming to him or her. As a general rule, it’s never a good idea to throw a punch in the office.
Your boss has called you into his or her office to discuss the matter.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Depends on how badly you want to keep this job.
ROOT CAUSE: Well, obviously your coworker, though it’s important for any man to own up to his mistakes, too. You know what you did.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Take your punishment like a man. If you feel you are being unjustly persecuted, say so, but have facts to back up that assertion—and never throw a fellow coworker under the bus; that’s what got you here in the first place.
You are home for the holidays and your uncle has decided that the dinner table is an appropriate venue to call out your liberal ideologies.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Depends on how uncomfortable you want to make dinner.
ROOT CAUSE: Fear. He is old and is witnessing profound social change he is powerless to stop. The irony that his parents felt exactly the same way about his generation is lost on him.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Fight back with words and facts, but never fists. When he inevitably attempts to dismiss your facts, point out that continuing this conversation is pointless. Then ask him to pass the gravy.
You are at a holiday “door-buster super sale” and someone has trampled you in a mad dash for a flatscreen TV on deep discount.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Insanely high. We’ve all seen the YouTube videos.
ROOT CAUSE: Desperation? Thriftiness? We can’t say for certain, because we have pride and would never attend a fucking “door-buster super sale.”
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Reevaluate your life.
You have just been cut off in traffic.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High. Traffic is one of life’s greatest stressors.
ROOT CAUSE: More than likely, the person being a terrible fucking driver.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Definitely not fighting. We’ve never understood the urge to leave your car to fight a dude in his—cars are basically 4,000-pound weapons. A solid, lengthy blast of the horn should suffice.
You are waiting in line when someone blatantly cuts in front of you.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Low. If only because of the transitive property of conflict.
ROOT CAUSE: Tardiness, being from a different country, or perhaps general assholeishness.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: See above. If a person cuts ahead of you in line, they are cutting ahead of everyone behind you, too, and as such, you will not be the only one angered by the indiscretion. Lead with a firm “The end of the line is back there,” then wait for backup. It will always arrive.
Your roommate has taken your food from the fridge and eaten it.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Moderate. You have to live with this person.
ROOT CAUSE: They are hungry and/or inconsiderate.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Confront them about it, but that’s all. Perhaps the only trait less becoming than aggressiveness is passive-aggressiveness.
You are walking down the street when a passerby shoulder-checks you from out of nowhere.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: If you’re in New York City, low. Shoulder-checking complete strangers is one of the secret delights of big city life (honestly, ask any New Yorker). If you’re anywhere else, high.
ROOT CAUSE: Perhaps that person is in a rush, or is looking at their phone, or is feeling particularly feisty.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Independent of geographic location, a good turn around, followed by a “Yo my man, watch where you’re going” is not only appropriate, but oddly satisfying.
You are at a sporting event and someone has disrespected your team.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High.
ROOT CAUSE: Alcohol, 100%.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Tell him (it’s always a guy) to fuck off and/or sit down. That’s it. Never fight at a sporting event—your team wouldn’t engage in a physical altercation for you. The transitive property of conflict also applies here; let someone else throw the punches and get arrested.
Your special lady friend is getting in your face about something dumb you did.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High—there is a chance this one could go on your permanent record.
ROOT CAUSE: You doing something dumb.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: OK, this should go without saying, but NEVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN. There is no possible scenario involving a female that should warrant a physical response. Instead, always walk away. Later, apologize—again, we all know you did something dumb.
