Читать книгу How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters - Brother - Страница 18
Оглавление1) It’s last call. There is a very drunk girl sitting at the bar, and you’re on the prowl. A real friend would tell you:
“I don’t know, man—she’s pretty drunk.”
“Go for it!”
2) You’re broke. What would a true friend do?
Lend you some cash.
Send you some job listings.
3) You have just been struck in the testicles and are about to collapse into a heap. In this instance, a real friend would:
Catch you in his arms to ease your fall.
Laugh at you.
4) Your buddy’s girlfriend sucks. What does he do to rectify the situation?
Force the issue and continue to bring her around.
Accept reality and schedule separate bro time.
5) You got wasted and passed out on a friend’s couch. What should he do?
Drape a blanket over you and leave a glass of water on the coffee table.
Draw a bunch of dicks on your face.
6) You have put on weight. A true friend will:
Tell you.
Make fun of you.
7) Your girlfriend has just dumped you, and you deserved it. A real friend will always:
Be honest—everyone screws up now and then.
Be loyal—she sucked and you’re better off without her.
8) You have become a successful rapper. How should a true bro respond?
By securing a position within your inner circle.
By congratulating you on your success.
9) You left a party with someone who is not, uh, traditionally attractive. The next day, your friend should:
Roast you.
Congratulate you.
10) You are telling your friend a story he has heard approximately 125 times before. He:
Should humor you and listen. It’s a good story.
Should interrupt you and move on. Time is of the essence.
11) You smell bad. A real friend will:
Tell you.
Tell you. Then douse you with AXE Body Spray.
12) You have just won an Academy Award. During your acceptance speech, you forget to thank your lifelong friend. How will he react?
He will be upset, but ultimately, he’ll get over it.
He won’t even notice.
13) You need a ride to an airport, and your car is in the shop. A friend should:
Give you a ride.
Call you an Uber.
14) You and a friend are interested in the same girl. Who should bow out first?
You.
Him.
15) You are newly single, and a friend wants to hook up with your ex. You dated for a little less than two years. After making his intentions clear, how long does he wait before making a move?
He doesn’t make a move.
Six months.
16) You are being an asshole. A real friend will:
Call you out on it.
Just go with it.
17) You are really being an asshole and now some dude wants to fight you. What should your friend do?
Attempt to intervene on your behalf.
Take off his shirt and throw down.
18) You have angered your girlfriend and she has kicked you out as a result. How long will a true friend let you crash on his couch?
One week.
Until this whole thing blows over.
19) You are considering voting for a conservative candidate. What would a real friend do?
Join you at the White Nationalist rally.
Intervene. Friends don’t let friends vote conservative.
20) You are wearing sunglasses inside. Your friend tells you to take them off, because:
Only assholes and blind people wear sunglasses inside.
He is jealous.
ANSWERS. 1: A, 2: B—Like Shakespeare wrote, “Loan oft loses both itself and friend.”, 3: B—People getting hit in the nuts is always funny, 4: B—Though he will always go for option A, 5: B, 6: A—Honesty is always the best policy, 7: B—Except when it isn’t, 8: B—Friends don’t ride friends’ coattails, 9: B, 10: A, 11: A—Any decent person wouldn’t spray AXE on their worst enemy, 12: B, 13: B, 14: A—Always put yourself first, 15: B—If you were dating longer than two years, the answer would be A, 16: A, 17: A—Fighting is never the answer, 18: B—But if he lives with his GF, the answer would be A, 19: B, 20: A.
