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Everything Movies Lie to You About

This should be fairly obvious to you (because you’re reading a book), but life is not a movie. Yes, there are moments of romance, action, drama, comedy and maybe the occasional explosion, but mainly, life is just monotony—a mix of walking, sleeping, consuming and overlapping dialogue. If it were a movie, Robert Altman would definitely direct it.

The fact that life is not a movie is the reason movies exist in the first place. They are escapist entertainment. Again, that seems obvious, but as you get older, you begin to realize just how much you have been incepted by movies (using a phrase from Inception as a narrative device is a pretty good example of that). They raise your expectations about what life should be, and how it should end. They give you false hopes and unrealistic assumptions. They offer hollow promises and faulty logic. In other words, movies lie to you.

The sooner you realize that, the better. Sure, your life may be monotonous, but it’s yours. Stop using a script as a measuring stick, and live the way you want. To help you get started, here’s the truth about Hollywood’s biggest lies.

You will never have a witty retort ready.

You will rarely say the right thing at the right time.

You will not meet your significant other in some quirky, cosmic manner.

Women actually have plenty of conversations that don’t involve men.

The quiet girl at (insert mom-and-pop store here) does not want you to rescue her from her small life. She probably doesn’t even want you to talk to her.

In real life, manic pixie dream girls are exhausting.

Platonic relationships rarely become something more.

If you rescue a girl, she will probably not fall in love with you.

Guys who look like Williamsburg accountants don’t get girls who look like Parisian models.

No one ever has a meaningful conversation in the pouring rain.

Loitering outside someone’s building isn’t charming, it’s fucking creepy.

Constantly pursuing a woman won’t win her over. It will get you arrested.

Failing relationships can’t be saved with poignant gestures or thrilling hijinks.

Weddings are rarely dramatic and only occasionally magical.

The same goes for sex—plus, you sweat way more.

Women don’t find drunk men charming.

You will never attempt to explain being caught in a compromising situation by shouting “It’s not what it looks like!”

Not everyone has a funny friend, because they’re usually annoying.

Real NYC apartments don’t look like that.

Real bodies don’t look like that, either.

Underdogs are underdogs for a reason—they usually lose.

Most assholes don’t redeem themselves, they just continue being assholes.

Bad guys usually don’t get what’s coming to them. In fact, they usually win.

You will never walk away from an exploding building in slow motion.

You can’t jump between buildings or train cars.

You can’t cling to a helicopter as it takes off, either.

You won’t get rewarded for ignoring your boss’ orders. You get fired.

If someone is pointing a gun at you, they will not take a moment to deliver a speech before pulling the trigger.

Occasionally, the automatic override isn’t damaged.

You will never be involved in a car chase.

In the event of an actual cataclysmic event, you will not survive.

In the event of an actual gun battle, you will not slide over the hood of a car while firing a pair of handguns.

You can’t just randomly enhance digital footage.

You will never get a montage.

You will never deliver a stirring speech.

You will never do anything that’s accompanied by a soaring soundtrack.

There’s a pretty good chance you will die alone.

Tom Cruise is actually like 5′4″.