Читать книгу How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters - Brother - Страница 19
ОглавлениеAnnoying (Yet Inevitable) Things All Friends Do as You Get Older
No one ever said you have to like your friends—in fact, as you get older, you’ll start to despise them. It’s a simple fact of adulthood; people change, and not necessarily for the better. To help prepare you for that, we’ve compiled this list of seemingly indefensible actions that are (sadly) also inevitable.
| □ Stop responding to your drunken texts. |
| □ Start asking if he can bring his girlfriend along. |
| □ Clean up his act, erasing 70% of what you liked about him in the process. |
| □ Get engaged, thereby turning up the heat on you. |
| □ Send out a mortifying engagement announcement. |
| □ Send out an equally mortifying “Save the Date” announcement. |
| □ Adhere to his fiancée’s “no strip clubs” edict during his bachelor party. |
| □ Have a “destination wedding.” |
| □ Buy a house in the suburbs, thereby further turning up the heat on you. |
| □ Invite you to his housewarming, where you will spend the entire evening wondering who this stranger is, and what he’s done with your friend. |
| □ Have a kid. |
| □ Name the kid something ridiculous. |
| □ Post approximately 85,000 pics of the kid on social media. |
| □ Mail you a birth announcement, featuring the black-and-white photos of the kid wrapped up in a bunch of blankets. |
| □ Make plans, then bail on them day-of (because the kid is sick). |
| □ Somehow still find time to play golf with people you don’t know. |
| □ Reply to group texts three days late, seemingly ignoring the entire conversation. |
| □ Refuse to admit, even for a second, that parenthood is a fucking nightmare. |
| □ Buy a comically oversized SUV. |
| □ Purchase things in bulk from Costco or Sam’s Club. |
| □ Purchase a “garage fridge” to hold all the things he bought in bulk. |
| □ Start using phrases like “Man cave” or “She shed.” |
| □ Mail you a “Happy Holidays” card, featuring the kid wearing a Santa hat. |
| □ Post embarrassing messages to his wife on their anniversary. |
| □ Host dinner parties. |
| □ Make comments about how he “can’t go as hard as he used to,” which are actually thinly veiled critiques of your lifestyle. |
| □ Probably have another kid. |
| □ Never leave the house. |
| □ Invite you over to the house. |
| □ Lay a guilt trip on you when you don’t come out to the house. |
| □ Ignore the fact that no one wants to hang out with a married dude and two toddlers in the suburbs. |
| □ React to every aspect of single life as if were a scene from Lars von Trier’s Antichrist. |
| □ Start hanging out with other married couples. |
| □ Give you unsolicited life advice. |
| □ Slowly disappear. |
| □ Die. |
