Читать книгу How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters - Brother - Страница 7
ОглавлениеThese terms and conditions create a contract between you and BROTHER (the “Agreement”). Please read the Agreement carefully.
A. INTRODUCTION TO OUR SERVICES
This Agreement governs your use of BROTHER’s services (“Services”), through which you can learn valuable life lessons (“Truths”) and unique skills (“Content”) that can—and should—be applied at your discretion. Our Services are available for your use in your country of residence (“Home Country”), in accordance with societal standards and/or legal statutes. To use our Services, you need an open mind, a willingness to look ridiculous and the ability to read. Our Services’ performance may be affected by these factors.
In the interest of full disclosure, here is how we explained those Services in our initial pitch to HarperCollins (the “Publisher”), which must’ve worked, because you’re reading this right now. The fact that the Publisher decided to change the title of this book does not invalidate anything of the following:
“We’re not going to lie to you—life can be complicated.
“But The Truth will set you free. From simple solutions to complex social interactions to general rules of gentlemanly etiquette, it’s the definitive guide for today’s guy.
“We will help them navigate an increasingly complicated world—the classroom, the locker room, the office, the bar, the bedroom, the DM—where the old rules, labels and standards no longer apply. We won’t condescend, we won’t mince words—we’ll give them straightforward, occasionally brutal (but always funny) honesty, and, hopefully, create a new set of axioms in the process.
“This is Brother’s big book of universal truths . . . the stuff we wish someone would’ve told us.
“Brother is a global brand made for millennial males. Publishing daily on Snapchat, we reach an audience of 20 million young men each month (40 million unique visitors in total—girls like us, too!). We create content that is optimized for mobile and designed with the millennial in mind, mixing media and text to deliver an experience that is informative, entertaining and interactive.
“We use data to test and refine work. We’re still experimenting—but we’d like to think we’ve gotten pretty good at understanding our audience. It doesn’t hurt that we are our audience. We are interested in life, love, sex, style and tech. We are self-aware, but not self-centered. We take digital culture as a given; we understand that it’s 2019—everyone uses a dating app. We are informed and impatient. We ask big questions, and expect appropriately huge answers. But we’re not judgmental jerks. We’d like someone to buy us a beer every once in a while.
“With Brother Presents: The Truth, we’ll use that knowledge and expertise. Presented in a format that is engaging and appealing to digital-native demos—a compelling mix of infographics, diagrams, images, lists, quizzes and essays—we’ll simplify the millennial man’s life . . . by simply telling him the truth.”
We can’t believe they bought it, either.
B. USING OUR SERVICES
PAYMENTS, TAXES AND REFUNDS
You can acquire Truths and Content via our Services for free or for a one-time charge, depending on whether you are borrowing this book from an acquaintance or have decided to purchase it for yourself. Either instance is referred to as a “Transaction.” Each Transaction is a contract between you and BROTHER, and it is up to you to fulfill your end of the bargain—if you don’t, we will be disappointed. In addition, violators can also be subjected to additional punishment, as determined by BROTHER’s Chief Magistrate, who has definitely seen some shit and is not one to trifle with. If you pre-order Content, you will be charged when the Content is delivered to you (though please let us know how you managed to do this, since this is a book). All Transactions are final. If you want to sell this book on your own, that’s up to you, man. Prices may change at any time, contingent on how well this book has been selling or how badly the Publisher has misjudged potential enthusiasm for this project. There will be no refunds, regardless of how poorly this book is written or how useless all Content contained herein may be. Fraud or other manipulative behavior may entitle BROTHER to a corresponding counterclaim, so think twice before trying to pass any of our Truths or Content off as your own. We are always watching you, and we have your financial information on file.
PRIVACY
Your use of our Services is subject to BROTHER’s Privacy Policy, which is explained in great detail below but can essentially be summed up thusly: You’re fucked.
BROTHER has developed and patented a suite of technologies that will be used to collect your personal information, including (but not limited to) fingerprints, biometric measurements, sexual conquests, penis size, test scores, fantasies, gaming system preferences, mother’s maiden name, browsing history, passwords, credit scores, shoe size, deep-seated fears and every time you’ve ever cried. Your personal information will be used to sell you petroleum-based grooming products that are slowly killing the Earth, your Home Country and, by logical extent, you. There is no way to opt out of this policy, as by merely cracking open this book, you are implicitly agreeing to it.
We will also collect data in a form that does not, on its own, permit direct association with any specific individual. We may collect, use, transfer and disclose what we deem to be nonpersonal information—including your occupation, language of preference or location—for any purpose, so we like to keep the wording as vague as possible (but it will probably involve more petroleum-based products). BROTHER will attempt to justify this gross violation of your privacy by claiming to use your personal information only to keep you posted on our latest project developments and upcoming events, or to improve current products and services.
SERVICES AND CONTENT USAGE RULES
Your use of the Services and Content must follow the rules set forth in this section (“Usage Rules”). Any other use of the Services and Content is a material breach of this Agreement. BROTHER may monitor your use of the Services and Content to ensure that you are following these Usage Rules.
All Services:
You may use the Services and Content only for personal, noncommercial purposes, such as hooking up or exacting revenge on your coworkers. Any prizes or rewards attained using our Services and Content belong to us as well.
BROTHER’s delivery of Content does not transfer any promotional use rights to you, so don’t try to pass any of this shit off as your own. Like you could come up with this many charts . . .
It is your responsibility not to lose, destroy, or damage Content once purchased. We will monitor this via previously mentioned suite of technologies, in addition to periodic checks of landfills in your Home Country.
You may not tamper with or circumvent any technology included with the Services, but good luck finding any of it.
CONTENT AND SERVICE AVAILABILITY
Terms found in this Agreement that relate to Services, Content types, features or functionality not available in your Home Country are not applicable to you unless and until they become available to you. What does that mean? Good question.
YOUR SUBMISSIONS TO OUR SERVICES
Our Services may cause you to react with comments, crude gestures or incredulous sighs (the “Submissions”). How do we keep track of Submissions? We’re always watching, remember? Your use of such features must comply with the Submissions Guidelines below, which may be updated from time to time (and without your knowledge). You hereby grant BROTHER a worldwide, royalty-free, perpetual, nonexclusive license to use the materials you submit within the Services and related marketing. And if that sounds threatening, it should. BROTHER will monitor and decide to remove or edit any submitted material.
Submissions Guidelines: You may not use the Services to:
Be a jerk, unless specifically instructed to act that way.
Act in an offensive, unlawful, deceptive or harmful manner.
Impersonate or misrepresent your affiliation with another person, or entity, unless you have a really good costume.
Plan or engage in any illegal, fraudulent, or manipulative activity, unless we get a cut of the action.
If charged with—or convicted of—a crime, BROTHER will disavow any knowledge of your existence.
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY
You agree that the Services, including but not limited to analysis, codes, Content, credos, dumb charts, diagrams and graphs, gripes, half-baked schemes, illustrations, inane lists, judgments, Killers lyrics, petty grievances, sex tips, threats and texts used to implement the Services, contain proprietary information and material that is owned by BROTHER, and is protected by applicable intellectual property and other laws, including but not limited to copyright. You agree that you will not use such proprietary information or materials in any way whatsoever except for use of the Services for personal, noncommercial uses in compliance with this Agreement. No portion of the Services may be reproduced in any form or by any means, except as expressly permitted by this Agreement. You agree not to modify, rent, loan, sell, or distribute the Services or Content in any manner, and you shall not exploit the Services in any manner not expressly authorized.
The BROTHER name, the BROTHER logo and other BROTHER trademarks, service marks, graphics and logos used in connection with the Services are trademarks or registered trademarks of BROTHER in the U.S. and other countries throughout the world. BROTHER is also the name of a line of sewing machines, but we’re betting they haven’t noticed yet (so don’t tell them). You are granted no right or license with respect to any of the aforesaid trademarks, unless you are the people who manufacture those sewing machines; you’ve probably earned it.
TERMINATION AND SUSPENSION OF SERVICES
If you fail, or BROTHER suspects that you have failed, to comply with any of the provisions of this Agreement, BROTHER may, without notice: (i) terminate this Agreement; and/or (ii) terminate your access to our Content; and/or (iii) terminate you.
BROTHER further reserves the right to modify, suspend, or discontinue the Services (or any part or Content thereof) at any time with or without notice to you—until we show up at your job/place of residence to terminate you.
OTHER PROVISIONS
This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between you and BROTHER and governs your use of the Services, superseding any prior agreements with respect to the same subject matter between you and BROTHER. If any part of this Agreement is held invalid or unenforceable, that portion shall be construed in a manner consistent with applicable law to reflect, as nearly as possible, the original intentions of the parties, and the remaining portions shall remain in full force and effect. BROTHER’s failure to enforce any right or provisions in this Agreement will not constitute a waiver of such or any other provision. We’re busy. BROTHER will not be responsible for failures to fulfill any obligations due to causes beyond its control. Again, we’re busy.
You agree to comply with all local, state, federal, and national laws, statutes, ordinances and regulations that apply to your use of the Services. Your use of the Services may also be subject to other laws. No BROTHER employee or agent has the authority to vary this Agreement—not even Hogan, and we let that dude do everything.
You hereby grant BROTHER the right to take steps BROTHER believes are reasonably necessary or appropriate to enforce and/or verify compliance with any part of this Agreement. You agree that BROTHER has the right, without liability to you, to disclose any data and/or information to law enforcement authorities, government officials and/or a third party, even though BROTHER thinks cops are the worst and not to be trusted. We take this Agreement very seriously, and failure to comply with any part of it shall result in punishment, as determined by our Chief Magistrate, including (i) a fine of USD $5,000; (ii) a series of Indian Burns; (iii) 25 days in BROTHER jail, which is not as fun as it sounds; (iv) dibs on any sexual partners, both current and future; or (v) all of the above. Because life isn’t fair—which is why you should always read the fine print. And that’s the truth.
