Читать книгу How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters - Brother - Страница 29
ОглавлениеMake sure it’s consensual. If this wasn’t super obvious, stop reading now.
Wear a condom.
Be a gentleman (when appropriate).
Be responsible.
Understand that foreplay doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. Technology is your friend.
Remember key erogenous zones: ears, breasts, neck, mouth, vagina, clitoris.
Understand the difference between the vagina and the clitoris.
Perform oral sex. Trust us.
Use your tongue. Your fingers? Not so much.
Appreciate receiving oral sex. Would you put that in your mouth?
Be appreciative in general.
Try butt stuff!
Keep an open mind.
Keep things in perspective.
Realize the inherent ridiculousness of the entire enterprise.
Have a sense of humor.
Be honest about your likes and dislikes.
Respect boundaries.
Announce your impending orgasm. Give them fair warning.
Ejaculate politely.
Explore the wonderful world of personal lubricants.
Have fun.
Change positions.
Put on some porn if the other person’s into it.
Pace yourself. Most times, sex is a marathon—not a sprint.
Drink plenty of fluids beforehand.
Leave the lights on.
Take your socks off.
But encourage her to leave them on. One study found she’s 80% more likely to have an orgasm that way—it’s literally science.
Wear a condom.
Make sure you’ve got the right hole.
Be a Sexual Swiss Army Knife. You never know which tool you’ll need.
Know your Bite Force Quotient. You shouldn’t draw blood, Dracula.
Get your partner off first. Trust us.
Clean up your bedroom.
At least make your bed.
Bring a blanket or towel if you plan on doing it outside.
Realize that doing it outside is pretty overrated.
COMMUNICATE. Listen, too.
Be willing to accept honest feedback. How else are you supposed to get better?
Make noise. Most people don’t want to bang a corpse.
Avoid problematic dirty talk.
Respect the tenderness of nipples.
Vary your speed throughout.
Save the jackhammering for key moments.
Help clean up afterward.
Make occasional eye contact.
Experiment.
Explore.
Collaborate.
Compliment.
Put in work.
Put on music.
Get wild from time to time.
Take charge.
Allow the other person to drive occasionally.
Know that it’s 2019 and traditional gender roles don’t really apply anymore.
Realize that sometimes you can be too drunk.
Understand that sex means different things to different people, and proceed accordingly.
Be willing to reboot in cases of hardware malfunction.
Understand there’s no right way to do it. There are a lot of wrong ways, though.
Wear a condom (did we say that already?).
Force anyone to do anything. Ever.
Lead them on.
Lie to get what you want.
Think sexting is automatically a precursor to the actual thing.
Have phone sex. FaceTime is better.
Pay for it.
Have sex for revenge or popularity.
Forget: It’s supposed to be fun.
Double-bag it.
Get too porn-y.
Jump right into the kinky stuff.
Just stick it in there, dude.
Judge.
Be afraid of a little something in your back door.
Ask if they’re about to get off.
Ask “How was I?”
Give unsolicited feedback.
Talk a big game, unless you’re prepared to back it up.
Do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Push their head down to initiate oral.
Film without consent, dick.
Attempt a “Friends with Benefits” situation. It won’t work.
Have sex in the shower without proper traction. Someone’s gonna get hurt.
69 unless you’re really comfortable with the other person.
Choke, bite, pull or smack—unless specifically instructed to do so.
Do anything for too long.
Just lie there. Most people don’t want to bang a corpse.
Turn sex into interpretive gymnastics. There are no bonus points for technical prowess.
Be too focused on penis size.
Bring up best friends. Trust us.
Push rope. If you need a moment, take one.
Get grossed out by bodily fluids or functions. They happen.
Laugh at unfortunate noises—unless your partner laughs at them first.
Suggest a threesome. Let it happen organically.
Assume you’re spending the night.
Assume you’re not.
Put yourself first.
Ignore the posted speed limit.
Rush the stroke.
Be Usain Bolt in the bedroom. Unless Usain Bolt is really good at sex. We don’t know.
Play with same stuff every time. Mix it up.
Believe everything your friends tell you.
Believe anything you see in a movie.
Text during sex.
Call them someone else’s name.
Fake it.
Forget to kiss.
Stare into their eyes the entire time.
Skip the shower beforehand.
Try to be someone else. You’re here for a reason.
Be a dictator. Sex is (at least) a two-person operation.
Get overly erotic. Not every toe must be sucked.
Think you gotta get tantric. Nobody wants to have sex for 8 hours.
Forget about the refractory period. Your boy needs a break!
Reference an ex.
Ghost. Unless it was abundantly clear this was a one-night stand.
Get mad if feelings develop. You’re pretty great, after all.
Be freaked out if you develop feelings. Congrats on not being a sociopath.
Presume “sex” is only limited to penetration.
Use the word “penetration.”
Subscribe to heteronormative assumptions. It’s 2019.
Read too deeply into what happens.
Grab ’em by the pussy.
