Читать книгу Madly in Love with ME - Christine Arylo - Страница 12
ОглавлениеRecently, I was asked to speak at a college conference of sorority girls — the leaders of our future world and the mothers of our future children. From my place up on stage, I could see all of their young, hopeful faces waiting for me to share my secrets on how to be a successful woman in today’s world. There was no doubt that these girls were excited to be at this conference, to learn, to continue to excel and work toward their goals. So when I asked for each to turn to her neighbor and say, “I would really like to have tremendous self-esteem!” it was no surprise that every young woman in that room excitedly turned and pronounced her commitment to believing in herself. When I asked these young women to raise their hands to indicate if their proclamations of self-esteem felt good, every hand in the audience went up as if to say, “Of course, I want self-esteem; self-esteem is good.” This was a great sign! The message that holding yourself in high regard is something to cultivate had seeped into their consciousness to such a degree that, without apology, they were able to publicly claim their right to high self-esteem.
The next question, however, elicited a much different response. I turned to these future leaders and mothers and posed this question: “How many of you would now turn and say to your friend, ‘I would like to love myself’?” Silence. Then squirms. A few giggles pierced the air, but not one hand went up — except for mine and that of my friend in the front row, another author, speaker, teacher, and woman on her own self-love journey. Instead, the girls moved uncomfortably in their seats, dumbfounded at the notion of publicly making such an audacious statement. Embarrassed to say the word love in a way that pointed their feelings of love toward themselves rather than toward another, these young women just sat in their seats staring at me. They had no idea how to respond, so they waited to see what I would do and say next.
In an inspired moment, I dropped down to my knees (wearing a dress and heels, mind you) and exclaimed,
Now I invite you to imagine that I am the child you will have someday. I am your little girl between the age of five and seven. And I come to you and I say, “Mommy, is loving myself a good thing? Should I love myself? Be my own best friend?” What would you say? Would you say, “No, honey, that’s selfish. No, child, have selfesteem but not self-love. Self-love is selfish, or something you only do in private”? Of course not! You would never say that to your child. Why? Because you have no doubt in your mind that you want your child to love himself or herself.
Instinctively, you know that loving yourself is crucial to a happy life, and you want your child to be happy. Your instincts are clear — self-love is good. You would say to her, “Yes, child, be your own best friend! Love yourself and treat yourself well. Be proud of who you are; share her with the world. Honor and respect yourself without apology, because if you don’t, how can you expect anyone else to? Go for your dreams, regardless of what anyone else says. Take care of yourself, because if you don’t, you won’t be able to care for anyone else.”
“So, all of you beautiful, powerful, intelligent young women,” I said to those students that day — and I say this to you too — “if these instructions are so obviously appropriate for a child, then why don’t they also apply to you?”
Since leaving my corporate job to teach, speak, and write full-time about self-love, love, and the true power of the feminine, I have talked with thousands of women and have received some of the wildest comments when I voice the term self-love. One moment, as we talk about selfesteem, their heads are nodding, their faces are smiling, and all is good. But as soon as I mention self-love, heads quirk to the side, defensive walls go up, and comments like these come out of their mouths:
“Loving myself? I don’t have time for that.”
“Oh, sure, I love myself. I went to the spa last month.”
“I think that self-love stuff is all pretty hippie-dippy!”
Then there’s the take-my-breath-away, shocker-every-time-I-hear-it line: “Self-love? Do you mean masturbation?” (And they don’t mean it in a good way.)
My heart gets so sad at how quickly people link something so sacred, so essential to our basic happiness — love — to behaviors and traits that are frowned upon, hidden, and often a source of shame in our society when the word self is added to it. You don’t see people walking around proclaiming, “I don’t have time for love” or “Love is only for hippies.” No, while we may not always be good at loving others, we all know and believe that loving others is a good thing. So why would love, when directed at yourself, be any different? We consider it acceptable, even admirable, to express love by giving to others our energy, time, resources, compassion, and more with little thought for ourselves, and by saying words like “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” and “I respect you” to friends, family members, and lovers. But saying, “I love myself” out loud? Better keep that under wraps! Or giving to yourself first? Why, that’s selfish! And yet, it’s the same energy — love — simply pointed in a different direction.
At first I thought the self-love taboo affected only people who had never been introduced to the concept of loving themselves. Just like the college girls in the room that day, I too, at the age of twenty, hadn’t yet received the Self-Love Handbook. But when I observed that the women and men who came to the workshops I held at spiritual centers, which are like self-love safe havens, were just as resistant to publicly claiming their love of self, I was floored. One Sunday I asked a group of spiritual seekers I was speaking with, “Who here would stand outside after next Sunday’s service with a flag that on one side says, ‘I am madly in love with ME,’ and on the other side says, ‘Love yourself; you deserve it!’?” Surely there would be at least a few bold souls willing to be beacons of love. Yet again, not one person raised a hand, except for the person I had brought with me to the workshop, my soul partner, Noah. Okay, yes, I had upped the ante by asking for a public display of self-love, but these people were used to hearing about self-love and were part of a community that supported love in all forms. Surely they would have no fear about proclaiming their selflove in public. But they did.
What the heck was going on? What was causing the fear surrounding self-love? What I discovered was shocking.
I looked up the definition of self-love on Dictionary.com. I’ve learned over time that the definition of a word can tell you a lot about the current beliefs our society, institutions, and familial tribes — and, therefore, we — deem acceptable, valuable, and either right or wrong. Definitions — because they reflect mainstream thought — influence and inform the ideas and beliefs that run through our subconscious minds and, subsequently, affect our actions and thoughts. And because many of us may be unaware of the meanings of specific words (honestly, how often do you look up words you hear every day?), we often have no clue that we are being influenced by outside forces that may not even align with what we believe to be true in our hearts but that nonetheless affect our actions. Moreover, the definition we give a word today may not even be the original meaning of the word. Words seem to change over time, without explanation. This is the power of words, and once I realized this, I started looking up definitions and the history of words a lot more!
I’m not sure what I expected as I typed the word self-love into the white search box on Dictionary.com — maybe something simple about self-love promoting happiness and well-being. What appeared on my screen, however, was quite different. My mouth dropped open; my eyes could not believe what I was reading. Self-love was defined as “conceit,” “vanity,” and “narcissism.”
What? My eyes scrolled the page again and again. I had to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things. And then, as if a lightbulb went on in my mind, everything began to click. Now I understood the wacky responses and lack of raised hands. By definition, self-love, in mainstream society, is considered taboo, scary, and maybe even a little dirty. Which, of course, makes public displays of self-love feel wrong and risky, something to be avoided. Who wants to be called a narcissist, after all?
Merriam-Webster.com was not much better. While it defines self-love as “love of self” (which essentially is just the word self-love in a reverse order), the first full definition given is “conceit,” which it goes on to define as an individual opinion, especially excessive appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue, a fancy item, or a trifle. I think it is not a stretch to say that you, and no one you know, wants to be called conceited or excessive. And since when is love a trifle or an opinion instead of a sacred, beautiful, essential act?
What I wanted to know next was who the heck writes these erroneous definitions. Is there some person or council in some city sitting at a desk deciding on a whim what self-love means today? If so, they should be fired for bastardizing such a sacred word and then fired for poisoning our minds. When the word self is placed in front of the indisputably beautiful and good word love, this should not change the beauty and the goodness, only the direction in which it flows.
Maybe you’re thinking right now, “Of course I know that self-love isn’t all those awful things.” And yes, at some level you do know that loving yourself is a good thing, or you wouldn’t be reading this book. And yet, you know there are still places in your life where you don’t let your self-love flag fly free, where you don’t show up as your own best friend or make sure you get what you really need to be happy, healthy, and wellloved. One big reason for this is that you have been influenced, whether you know it or not, by the collective thoughts of a society that says loving others is good, and loving yourself is selfish, vain, narcissistic, and something you may do only in private.
Think about it this way. If you saw a woman loving her child in public, what would you think? That she’s a good woman doing a good thing, right? If you witnessed a woman spending her time and energy nurturing others, what would you believe? Good woman doing a good thing. If you heard a woman expressing how much she loves her parents, friends, or partner, what would you say to yourself? Good woman doing a good thing. She is a loving person.
Now let’s say that same woman turns the love around and directs it at herself instead of others. Imagine her saying something like “I really love myself.” What would you think? Be honest. That she’s conceited? Audacious? Full of herself? What if this woman told you she’d made a decision to take care of herself before giving to someone else? Would you think of her as selfish? Narcissistic? You probably wouldn’t be thinking, “There goes a good woman doing a good thing; she is a loving person,” because your belief system has programmed you to think that openly and fully loving yourself is not acceptable, that taking care of yourself first is selfish.
You live in a society that has made it more comfortable to read a book about the ten ways to get a guy or girl to fall in love with you, or to obsess about your romantic love life, than to share your self-love journey with your friends and family. You’re bombarded with images and media, like reality TV shows, whose underlying message tells you it’s normal to look to outside sources for confirmation that you are good enough, rather than to unapologetically stand for self-respect and self-worth.
Given the cultural climate, it’s no wonder we have such a hard time loving ourselves. I have no doubt that every person at the spiritual center that day believed loving oneself is a fabulous idea. Fear of being seen as selfish, conceited, or vain prohibited them from freely expressing what they had come to receive: self-love. If not for the collective belief that selflove is selfish, the recognition that “self-love lets you love others more not less” would have prevailed. Fear wouldn’t have stopped them from expressing the most powerful force in the world — love — even when that love is directed inward.
The rest of this book is dedicated to showing you how to give love to and express love for yourself, always — how to choose love for yourself in all its forms, again and again, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly for the rest of your life. Choosing self-love is like taking a powerful stand for yourself and saying no! to accepting the energy of hate, abuse, neglect, shame, fear, and guilt, whether that energy comes from yourself or from anyone else. And it’s saying yes! to receiving and giving love in its many forms — to receiving love from and giving love to yourself first and, as a result, sharing the overflow of love with those around you.
No matter what direction love is pointed — toward others or toward yourself — love is always good.
If you complete the journey this book can take you on, then not only will you be able to say, “I love you!” to yourself out loud without shying away, but also, most important, you will be able to make big life decisions and everyday choices that are congruent with, and aligned with, love. That is, you will act like a woman who truly does love herself. It’s one thing to say, “I love you,” but to act on that love is the true test, and it’s where the true power lies. Note that choosing is an active verb. To choose requires you to make a choice to give love to yourself, to express love, or to receive love.
The more you act from self-love, the greater will be your ability to feel love for yourself no matter what is going on in your relationships, the outside world, or your external circumstances. You will become empowered to draw love from within yourself, rather than have to look for it in someone or something else. You will become masterful at filling your mind with loving thoughts, even when self-doubt, fear, and self-criticism are knocking on your mind’s door. And as a result, you will find it easy and natural to act with love and kindness toward yourself.
You see, in addition to being one of the best ideas in the world, loving yourself, and making sure that you have the love, care, happiness, joy, and peace you desire, is a necessity. You need love in order to survive and thrive. And while there are many ways to get this love from outside ourselves, it’s when we remember how to get it from inside that we come to know the deep levels of love that our heart and soul crave.
The good news is that you already know how to love yourself; you’ve just forgotten. You were actually born in love with yourself; it’s your natural state. Think back to yourself as a little girl, to a moment when you remember being carefree and open to the wonder of the world, a moment when your light was superbright, before anyone told you to dim it down. Even if you can’t remember a specific time when you felt this way, this part of you that could fully and freely be, love, and live you still exists.
Close your eyes for a moment, put your hand on your heart, and just see if you can feel this younger self, maybe even see her, sense her. Maybe you can recall a time when you were doing something you loved as a little girl — playing, creating, laughing. Maybe a time when she was all alone, with no one but her “magical” friends (whether imaginary friends, stuffed animals, or a favorite doll). This is the part of you that knows how to love yourself easily and without care for what others may think. As we go through our magical, fantastical journey together, we want to connect with that part of you as much as possible, because she is going to be a huge ally. She will give you permission to be madly in love … with yourself.
If you’d like some assistance in connecting with your little-girl self, I’ve recorded a meditation for you called “Come Play with ME!” It’s a visualization that will reconnect you powerfully and sweetly to your inner little girl. Sometimes our little-girl selves are easy to access, and sometimes they like to stay hidden. Whichever is the case for you, know that it’s okay; you can rest assured that she is going to come out to play, to be loved and adored, on this adventure. You can download this visualization at www.SelfLoveMeditations.com.
You should know that self-love, while yummy, fulfilling, and healing, is by nature a daring adventure, one designed not to make you comfortable but instead to bring you more love, which is often uncomfortable. We do what works, regardless of what you may look like in the process or what other people might think. In fact, the farther out of your comfort zone you move, the more likely you are to bust through the blocks standing between you and your ability to love yourself well, unconditionally, and forever.
The other piece of good news I have for you is that there are steps to take, practices to follow, understandings to reach, and choices to make in order to increase your ability to choose self-love — and I will share them with you in the pages that follow. You will be invited to partake in all kinds of interesting, daring, playful, and profoundly shifting opportunities to deepen the relationship you have with yourself, to come to new understandings about yourself, to move out of your comfort zone and into your full-self zone, to bust through blocks that prevent you from acting as your own best friend, and to become better able to choose love for yourself in any situation. I invite you to dive into every single one of these experiences and escapades with the curiosity and carefree spirit of your little-girl self and the commitment and conviction of a woman who knows all too well the consequences of not loving herself enough. Today marks a turning point in your life. Whether you have been on a self-love, selfdiscovery, or self-healing journey for years or you are just getting started, this adventure holds something for every woman and girl. Because the truth is, loving ourselves is something we need to do for ourselves every day, and something we are always getting better at!
By making the choice to take this daring adventure inside yourself at this time in your life — through your mind, body, heart, spirit, and soul — you have made a commitment to more deeply honor the most essential relationship in your life, the one with yourself.
My promise is to be your guide on this adventure to the best of my ability. As a person who has spent over a decade relearning and remembering how to love herself, I have a pretty good map, some darn cool tools, and a lot of good stories to tell, many of which I have included in the pages of this book.
What to Expect in the Pages That Follow
Throughout this magical experience you will encounter several different types of adventures, most of which I have listed below: daring acts, creative escapades, heartfelt conversations with yourself, and small but mighty spiritual practices. Stop here and try some of these out right now.
Daring Acts of Love
You offer acts of love to others all the time, daily even, but too often you leave yourself out of the equation, for all the reasons I’ve already stated. So to help you build up your ability to love yourself, I’ve created some short but powerful invitations that dare you to get out of your comfort zone and into your love zone, especially when it comes to directing love to yourself! These “Daring Acts of Love” may seem wacky or insignificant, and you may find yourself wondering, “How could that have any impact on me?” They may feel like risks, and the fears that currently hold you back will attempt to stop you from taking these dares. Or they may even seem superfun from the get-go. Regardless of the feelings these Daring Acts of Love elicit, they promise to build up your “Self-Love Mojo” — your capacity and strength to love yourself. They also build your “Love Power” — your ability to feel loved, give love, and receive love no matter who or what is or isn’t happening outside of you. If you find yourself resisting the dares, call on your little-girl self, who believed that love was always there for her and who didn’t care what anyone else thought because, to her, she was just being herself. I highly encourage you to take every single one of the dares. In fact, I dare you!
ME Art
Regardless of how you feel about your creative abilities today, your little-girl self wasn’t afraid to pick up a crayon and draw. All children can draw, until someone tells them they can’t. And taking things from mental concept to something you can see with your eyes or feel in your body will shift you to an entirely new level — and these are the levels you need to open up access to in order to increase your capacity to choose love for yourself and your mastery of that love. If what you were already doing was working, you wouldn’t be here on this adventure. So be adventurous! And here’s the good news: All ME Art will be created by your inner little girl, the one who didn’t worry about coloring outside the lines. In fact, daring girl that she is, she kind of likes it. You don’t have to be an artist, don’t have to be technically good at drawing; you just need to be willing to express yourself. Okay? Are you willing?
Great! Then to give you a taste of what you will experience throughout our adventure together, let’s have some fun by combining a Daring Act of Love with some ME Art.
| Daring Act of Love Write a Secret Love Note to Yourself and Wear It All Day Long |
As we begin your Madly in Love with ME journey, keeping your self-love as a special secret between you and you is A-OK. For now, the secrecy keeps the pact and bond special, just like a secret between best friends. There will be a point when you fly your selflove flag where all can see, but for now this dare is just for you.
On the palm of your hand, write yourself a love note in ME Art fashion, meaning: give it a little girlie flair. Write the words “I love you!” and then draw a heart underneath it. Just like you were in seventh grade. Now, throughout the day, look at your palm to remind yourself that you have indeed said yes! to taking a fantastical adventure with yourself.
Love Mantras
These short but superpowered phrases are really just words repeated to invoke a particular kind of energy and intention, in this case love for you. They have the power to instantly change your thoughts and feelings — from fear to love, criticism to compassion, doubt to courage, hate to love, anxiety to peace. They also have the ability to plant seeds in the form of new, self-loving beliefs and feelings. When used regularly, these new beliefs and feelings will get you thinking, feeling, and acting differently, in ways that are rooted in love for yourself.
If you’ve never used a mantra, rest assured that the process is simple. In moments when you find yourself disconnected from love — feeling afraid, ashamed, or anxious — say the mantra out loud again and again for as long as it takes, until the unloving feeling dissipates and you generate love for yourself. As you repeat this powerful and specific string of words, you will eventually feel a shift, often in your body and in your emotional field, as your heart opens itself to love and relaxes. Ahhh!
Why do mantras work? It’s not voodoo, just simple science with a dash of spirituality. When words come out of your mouth, they create sound. Sound is vibration. Your body and spirit are already attuned to the vibration of your thoughts and surroundings, so when you say words attuned to love, you take away the power of thoughts attuned to fear. The more you use the Love Mantras, the more your self-love will grow. I like to carry a mantra or two in my mind always, just as I always make sure I have a pack of mints in my purse. Why? Because just as bad breath needs a superquick freshening up, you don’t want to be caught without a way to shift your thoughts and feelings when some yuck-filled energy has overtaken your mind.
To get started with your Love Mantras right now, let’s add on to the Daring Act of Love you just took. On the hand where you’ve written the words “I love you,” add your name, so that it reads, “I love you, <<insert your name>>.” Say these words out loud over and over again, looking at your palm, until you feel a shift in your body or heart. Love Mantra Power! Oh, yeah!
ME Moments
Imagine sitting down to have a loving heart-to-heart with your best friend. Just as a wise friend always starts by asking you questions instead of trying to give you advice or opinions, ME Moments will guide you through a series of short but powerful questions to help you find answers inside yourself. Sometimes, just a like a friend who reflects back to you your beauty, perfection, and brilliance, the ME Moment will lead you through a visualization, meditation, or set of questions that connects you back to the truth of who you are — a beautiful, powerful, and free woman who knows who she is and what she needs, as long as she remembers to ask herself. In fact, let’s stop here for a moment.
Close your eyes, put your hand on your heart, and take a deep breath. (Don’t skip that part. These three physical steps attune your mind, body, and spirit to your heart, which is where your wisest answers and unwavering sense of self-love live.) Then open your eyes, and ask yourself the questions on the next page.
You always have the choice to answer ME Moment questions in one of three ways:
1. Mentally: think the words to yourself.
2. Verbally: speak your answers out loud so you can hear them.
3. Visually: write or draw the answers so you can see the words.
Depending on how deep you want to go with yourself, and how much power you want the ME Moment to pack, decide which action is most appropriate. Answering mentally will have the lightest touch. You will just begin to entertain a new awareness. Speaking words out loud will add more power as you force the sound of the words (a vibration of love) to pass through your lips, which will affect your body and brain at a deeper level, a feeling level. Writing the words will add a visual imprint, as well as activate deeper parts of your subconscious, where love is needed most. For maximum benefit and lasting impact, take all three actions — think, speak, and write or draw.
1. Why are you here? What brought you here to this book, at this time? What’s happening in your life or in your relationship with yourself that you want to no longer be true? List three things, using the words “I no longer wish <<insert situation>>.” For example: “I no longer wish to put myself last all the time. I no longer wish to have toxic or unhealthy relationships. I no longer wish to neglect my body and her needs.”
2. What do you desire to be true instead? What would you like to be different in your relationship with yourself and, as a result, in your life after completing the adventures contained in this book? Begin with the words “As I remember how to love myself more, I will choose <<insert shift>>,” and list three things. For example: “As I remember to how to love myself more, I will choose relationships that are healthy and happy. As I remember how to love myself more, I will choose to make myself as important as everything and everyone else. As I remember how to love myself more, I will choose to give my body what she needs to thrive.”
3. What self-sabotaging blocks or habits have prevented, or will prevent, you from giving yourself this love? And are you willing to release them? It’s okay, we all have blocks. Often these are formed by the crazy beliefs we’ve acquired from what we’ve witnessed about love and self-love or from what we’ve been told by the media, our families, our societal institutions, and our social circles. The beliefs become blocks against love — we’ve learned to put up walls to protect ourselves from the very love we want. Or they become self-sabotaging habits that drive us to make choices that send us farther from love. The good news is, these beliefs have power over us only when we keep them in the dark. Bring your blocks about self-love into the light by honestly admitting to yourself — without judgment — any blocks you have that are likely to stop you from completely following this path of selflove you have chosen for yourself.
Use this sentence and process if it’s helpful: “In the past, I’ve sabotaged myself by choosing <<insert self-sabotaging choice>> over choosing <<insert self-loving choice>> for myself.” For example: “In the past, I’ve sabotaged myself by choosing to keep working over choosing to take care of my body. My self-sabotaging habit is caring for my work more than I do for myself.”
Once you have identified the habit, proclaim, “I am willing to release the self-sabotaging habit of <<insert habit>>. I choose selflove.” The first step in any shift is awareness and willingness; you don’t need to know the how — that’s what this book is for!
For some of the ME Moment and ME Art adventures, I’ve created magical, hand-illustrated, colorful templates to help you through the process in a powerful and fun way. I like to call these Loveplates! To gain access to and download these Loveplates, go to www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
Way to go! You’ve claimed what you desire, and you’ve been honest with yourself about how you sabotage yourself — how you prevent yourself from getting what you need and desire. Self-honesty is one of the major parts of self-love, because where truth is admitted, even when it’s hard to look at, there is always love right behind it waiting to give you a big hug. So let’s keep the momentum going and get rid of any other blocks that may be keeping you from choosing love again and again for your very best friend, yourself.
