Читать книгу Madly in Love with ME - Christine Arylo - Страница 19

Someday I will petition Dictionary.com to change its definition of self-love. But I’m not willing to wait for that to happen before I set the record — and your mind — straight about what self-love really is. Especially not after all the work you just did to clear yourself of those big misunderstandings and ridiculous beliefs about self-love. However, I do admit I dream of millions of us, self-loving women and girls, mailing letter upon letter to the office where this council of definition-makers resides. But for right now, we need to evoke your individual love power to put your self-love mind-set in place for good, so that nothing holds you back from expressing love for yourself without apology.

First, I took it upon myself to write a new definition for self-love that we can all rally around and embrace. One that you can input into your memory banks. A definition that will make you think, “Choosing self-love is good! Do that! Often.” Here goes. Open your mind, heart, and spirit for the real definition of self-love.

Self-love is the unconditional love and respect

that you have for yourself

that is so deep,

so solid,

so unwavering

that you choose only situations and relationships — including the one you have with yourself — that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.

Okay, let’s pause here for a moment. You want this to sink in deep. Put your hand on your heart and read the definition out loud. Really get the vibration of love passing through your lips and seeping into your heart. Feel the love in your body as you speak this truth. Yum, huh?

Now, let’s make it personal. Reread the definition again, this time transforming it into a belief that you can hold and come back to again and again. Read the definition aloud, slowly, replacing the “you” and “yourself” with “I” and “myself,” making this about your love for you.

Self-love is the unconditional love and respect

that I have for myself

that is so deep,

so solid,

so unwavering

that I choose only situations and relationships —

including the one I have with myself —

that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.

Reread the entire definition out loud three times for maximum benefit. (Don’t ask why three times; this is one of those magic-inducing things that just is — vows, mantras, and anything you want to stick in your heart and mind need to be repeated out loud at least three times.) Read at a pace that allows you to feel the words sink into your body, as if they were penetrating your cells. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, open your eyes, and read, listening with your heart, as if your heart were soaking the words in. Keep your hand on your chest right over your heart for extra love power (this is the place on your body that you can always touch to activate your connection to your best-friend self ). After you finish reading this self-love definition, pause for a few moments, eyes still closed, and let your heart consider this version of self-love to be a reality for you.

What would it be and feel like to have such unconditional love and respect for yourself that only situations and relationships that reflect that same unconditional love and respect would be acceptable to you?

What would it be like to love yourself so much that you, as your best friend, would be willing to take that kind of stand for yourself? To stand for yourself and your right to unconditional love and respect before anything or anyone else?

Unconditional love and respect is a powerful and purposeful choice of words. It means that, without exception, parameters, rules, or expectation, you commit to giving yourself love and respect. That the love and respect you have for yourself is just there, even when you screw up, make bad choices, or don’t show up as your best self. You are human, and to be human means that you will make mistakes, fail, and fall down. Your job as your very best friend is to always reach out your hand to help yourself up, just as you would an innocent child. If you witnessed a child fall down or stumble while learning to walk, you wouldn’t say, “Get up, you loser! What’s your problem? You can do better than that!” No, you would likely reach out your hand, help the child up, and say, “It’s okay, keep trying. You are doing great!” Your job is to do the same for yourself, to always choose to give yourself a hug and remind yourself that you’re still growing and learning. That’s what a best friend or a loving parent would do, and that’s what you will learn to do as choosing self-love becomes your natural go-to state.

We’ve all had relationships in which people didn’t love us unconditionally, but instead used love as a reward, a punishment, or a manipulation tactic. In my own experience, the times that a person I trusted and loved — whether a parent, friend, or lover — took love away were some of the most damaging and painful times I’ve ever known. Perhaps you too have experienced love being taken away or used against you — it hurts! So do yourself a favor and make the relationship with yourself different. Make it better. Make it so that love is always given and always present, no matter what.

Make your relationship with yourself the best relationship in your life.

When’s the last time you sat down and checked in with yourself, and asked, “How is our relationship going? Are you getting the love and respect you need from me?” Ha! I wish we had been taught as young girls to have this conversation with ourselves on a regular basis. But alas, the majority of us were taught the opposite. Here’s the good news: Throughout this entire book I’ll show you how to check in with yourself to make sure you are getting what you need and desire in every way. Not in ways that add another to-do to your list, but in a manner that adds joy, happiness, peace, and a sense of unwavering connection and unconditional love to your life. Sound good? Let’s take a practice run just to get a sense of where you are in your relationship to yourself — a kind of quick check-in that reveals the strength of the relationship between you and yourself.

Read each of the descriptions on pages 51–53 and choose the one that most represents your current relationship with yourself. Then record the corresponding number in the space provided at the end of the list. Base your decision on your ability to choose unconditional love and respect for yourself, rather than all those other things — doubt, shame, guilt, hate, neglect, and judgment — that you’ve been programmed to default to, and that, in the process, cause you to make self-sabotaging, self-critical, self-abusive choices instead.

But here’s the thing about this check-in: It is not a test. This is not an invitation to judge yourself (that is so not self-loving). And this is not like one of those magazine quizzes you take and then lie about to make your score higher so you can feel better about your life (it’s okay, we’ve all cheated on those). This is a communication between you and yourself, a way for you to compassionately notice where you are in your relationship with yourself and in your ability to choose love for yourself. So honesty is actually required. Let your inner guidance lead you to where your current relationship stands — because here is the good news: You can only go up from here! And the more honest you are now, the less likely you will be to judge yourself later. Being where you are, and being okay with that, is an act of self-love. In fact, just think of this as taking a quick pulse check of your love for yourself.

Which of the following best describes your current relationship to self-love and your ability to choose love for yourself?

1 — Sure, I choose self-love; what is self-love again? Honestly, up until now or very recently, I hadn’t ever considered that loving myself would be a good idea, or that love was something that I had to choose for, and give to, myself. So I probably haven’t been the best friend to myself. I’ve mostly been going through my life doing the best I could, unaware that my relationship with myself affects everything else around me. I feel like I am just waking up to the idea that I am having a relationship with myself. I am open to it, though, and ready to explore this. I like the idea of being a best friend to myself.

2 — I choose self-love but not very often. I have a hard time directing love instead of hate, shame, guilt, judgment, and doubt toward myself. I want to be a better friend to myself and make choices that lead to my taking care of myself, believing in myself, and being kinder to myself, but I am not sure exactly how to do that. I haven’t yet really made a commitment to loving myself, which I suppose is why I can’t seem to follow through for myself in ways that a best friend would. I don’t have a strong line of communication with myself, although there have been times I have listened to an inner voice, and the results have been good. I am ready to listen more. I am ready to be, love, and live me more. I just don’t know the way.

3 — I choose self-love sometimes. I want to choose self-love over selfneglect, self-judgment, self-hate, and self-doubt, but I am still learning — I mean remembering — how to do this. Honestly, I am so-so at making the choices for myself that a best friend would. And the truth is that I am hard on myself. But I have made a commitment to myself to create a better relationship with me, to make choices that are good for me, to consider changing relationships that are not loving and respectful, and to stop being so hard on myself. I am beginning to check in more with myself, to trust myself, and to listen for what I need. So I’m on my way. It’s as if I’m on self-love training wheels.

4 — I choose self-love often. I do a really good job at showing up as a best friend for myself, although sometimes I am hard on myself or have trouble giving myself what I really need. But I am pretty good at noticing when self-judgment or self-neglect creep in, and I can get myself back to unconditional love and respect fairly quickly. I’ve established an open line of communication with myself. And while sometimes I may struggle to be kind to myself or take care of myself, what I can proudly say is that I have taken a solid stand to ensure that all of my relationships with others are based on love and respect, or I drop or transform them. And I really do love myself in many ways! I love who I am, and I love sharing her with the world. And every day I become freer to do so.

5 — I choose self-love always. I am my own best friend. I am always on my side. Unconditional love and respect is my come-from, and I expect and require it from every person in my life, which is probably why I have so many loving, spectacular relationships with others too. While I am certainly not perfect at always choosing self-love (that’s an unrealistic expectation), I rarely have negative thoughts about myself. When I do, I know exactly how to listen to what’s going on inside so I can take care of myself. I see these thoughts as indicators that I need to listen more closely to myself. I ask myself what I need, almost on a daily basis, and I make sure I receive it on all levels — physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I am committed to making sure that my life is full of happiness and love, and that I give my full self to the world, and in return am open to receiving tons of love and joy. I am actively creating that reality for myself.

My Current Self-Love Pulse ——

Note: You may also fall somewhere in between these five levels, which is totally okay. In that case, your self-love pulse might be 2.75 or 3.5 or whatever number feels right. This score is just an indicator of your self-love pulse right now — a quick mini-check-in to see how much consistent, unconditional love you’re giving to yourself. There will be time for more extensive pulse checks, and I’ll discuss ways to raise your selflove pulse as we go on. This book is full of ways to increase your power to choose love for yourself in any situation you face.