Читать книгу The Playground Mafia - Clare Christian - Страница 10
ОглавлениеLIKELY TO WEAR: High street designer jackets and slacks, never jeans and certainly never heels.
WHEN NOT IN THE PLAYGROUND YOU ARE LIKELY TO FIND HER: Online, googling Ofsted reports.
IF SHE WERE A COCKTAIL, SHE WOULD BE: A gin and tonic.
IF SHE WERE A MEAL, SHE WOULD BE: A Sunday roast.
IF SHE WERE IN A BUILDER’S MERCHANTS, SHE WOULD BE: A combination square.
Ofsted Mum is the voice of absolute DOOM! She is the only person in the playground (well, let’s face it, the whole schooling system) who understands the small print of the latest Ofsted report and she is constantly poised, ready and willing to remove her darling Jenny to avoid further educational scarring. Ofsted Mum lives for insider information, and somehow (you suspect bribes) knows that the new all-too-glamorous Spanish teacher doesn’t have the language degree she claims, and in fact picked her rather dodgy conversational Spanish up after a disastrous and tearful year in Spain with a Catalonian tennis player called Fernando.
On a typical day, Ofsted Mum is on the hunt for information that she can use to make sure her little Jenny isn’t being short changed or falling behind. She’s not beyond a little snooping and has been seen, on more than one occasion, digging around in the childrens’ cloakroom checking bookbags. Heaven forbid that another child should be on a red reading band before her darling Jenny! This mum will never be late (a late mark in the register is NEVER acceptable) and it goes without saying that all book money/permission slips/lunchboxes will be provided, without fail. Unlikely to work (she is currently designing an app for the iPhone that will plot a child’s progress towards Year 6 SATs targets from birth), this mum is possibly the most obsessive of all the mums in the playground.
Of course, Ofsted Mum will have at least two children (her research has shown that the highest achieving children come from families containing 2.2 children) and her children will be perfect (if not slightly odd in a stunted emotional way). Their conception will have been faultlessly timed (some would say immaculately) to ensure that they are the oldest in the class, thus avoiding any hurdles commonly faced by younger children. She will corner you to tell you about the Cognitive Repetition Assisted Practice, which is all the rage in California (and has been proven to have a 3.64% more effective learning uptake ratio), and the Omega Delta 5K pineapple oils that have been proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to maybe help children learn to spell the word OCTAGONAL 3/10ths of a second faster. And let’s not forget that it’s because of her that you have already registered an interest in the yet to be formed, all girls Mother Teresa College at your local university.
Ofsted Mum is Treasurer of the PTA (of course – who else could they trust with the numbers!) and she provides the committee with regular updates and guidance on educational statistics and governance. Many a parent has jumped ship and moved their child to a different school, based on the say-so and predictions from the oracle that is Ofsted Mum.
But, thanks to Facebook (of course you accepted her friend request, how could you not?) and some tagged photos (that she was too slow to untag) you have a secret weapon. It turns out that Ofsted Mum actually left school at 16 and that the closest she got to Cambridge was the affair she had with a Professor Plum, in the drawing room, with some lead piping.
Praise be the oracle!
She says: ‘My daughter has moved on to free readers.’
She means: ‘My daughter is possibly the best reader in this entire school, even better than [insert name of head teacher], in fact.’
She says: ‘I’ve a meeting with [insert name of head teacher] to discuss Jenny’s progress.’
She means: ‘I am going to give [insert name of head teacher] shit because Jenny has been moved down to a lower maths group.’
She says: ‘I like your dress.’
She means: ‘I’m moving my child out of this school because it’s crap.’
Points awarded: 20
Bonus Points: Have an extra 10 for every mention of ‘Ofsted’ and ‘outstanding’ within one school run.
