Читать книгу The Playground Mafia - Clare Christian - Страница 7
ОглавлениеLIKELY TO WEAR: Hot clothes.
WHEN NOT IN THE PLAYGROUND YOU ARE LIKELY TO FIND HER: Surrounded by husbands.
IF SHE WERE A COCKTAIL, SHE WOULD BE: Sex on the Beach (of course).
IF SHE WERE A MEAL, SHE WOULD BE: Oysters and champagne.
IF SHE WERE IN A BUILDER’S MERCHANTS, SHE WOULD BE: Penetrating Spray 400 ml.
Not to be confused with any of the many menopausal mums in the playground, Hot Mum may be the cause of hot flushes but she certainly doesn’t have them.
She sashays into the playground, all tight clothes and perfect curves, tailed by her pretty daughter and handsome son. Always in heels or FMBs to accentuate her never-ending legs, a hush falls upon the playground as she enters and the grumpy caretaker tuts as he once again has to clear up the small stream of dad-dribble that trickles towards the gate.
She does a marvellous impression of being unaware of her hotness, but as she flicks her sexily tousled hair suggestively and uses picking up the lunchboxes as an excuse for wiggling her pert bottom in the direction of poor old Midlife Crisis Dad, we can see through her as easily as we can see through that shimmery white top she wears.
You may think that she is effortlessly hot, but in fact that kind of sex appeal takes a lot of work – work that her husband is only too glad to support, knowing the envious glances he will get at the next company dinner. So, the only work Hot Mum ever has to do is on herself, and she does it well.
She is never caught out by the weather; festival wellies on and Joules Chase wax coat fitted neatly over her slim hips on rainy days. At the annual inter-schools rugby tournament she jiggles appealingly with excitement and the dads pray for more tries and the boob-wobbling that will follow as she cheers – even if they are supporting the opposite team!
She will be at every evening event that the school puts on, as this allows her to wear clothes that even she wouldn’t wear to the playground. While Like-Minded Mums are straightening their frizzy hair and rolling around on the floor trying to get their rarely-worn going out trousers done up, she is slipping on a gorgeous sheath of silk and strappy heels just for the PTA quiz night.
The other mums spit their disapproval as she walks in (‘She’s not wearing a bra!’ we hiss at each other) while the dads goggle in excitement (‘She’s not wearing a bra!’) before knocking over their wine in their hurry to place their jacket across their lap to hide the inevitable trouser tents.
So, we may hate her for her looks, her actions and the way our husbands turn into gormless morons if she passes within 15 feet (admittedly with some husbands it’s difficult to tell) but we have to grudgingly admit:
She is one HOT Mutha!
She says: ‘Your husband is extremely friendly.’
She means: ‘Please tell your husband to stop hitting on me.’
She says: ‘I saw your husband in Waitrose this morning.’
She means: ‘Please tell your husband to stop stalking me.’
She says: ‘I like your dress.’
She means: ‘It would look way better on me.’
Points awarded: 35
Bonus Points: Take a full 100 points if you borrow her dress – and it fits!
