Читать книгу The Playground Mafia - Clare Christian - Страница 9
ОглавлениеLIKELY TO WEAR: Clean clothes, every day, drop off and pick up.
WHEN NOT IN THE PLAYGROUND YOU ARE LIKELY TO FIND HER: Buying a lifetime’s supply of Anti-Bacterial Moisturising Hand Gel (Sensitive).
IF SHE WERE A COCKTAIL, SHE WOULD BE: A Shiny Nail.
IF SHE WERE A MEAL, SHE WOULD BE: A vegan, non-dairy, organic vegetable bake cooked in a brick kiln in a sterile area completely devoid of nuts.
IF SHE WERE IN A BUILDER’S MERCHANTS, SHE WOULD BE: A high-vis jacket.
You can almost hear the buzzing as Helicopter Mum hovers ineffectually around her child. Usually only mother to one, she may stretch to two but three would give her a nervous breakdown given the energy she expends on panicking about untied shoelaces, sunblock (or not) and peanut butter sandwiches.
Her tube of antibacterial gel hand cleaner never leaves her side and she will always have a complete first aid kit to hand, usually in an oversized bumbag strapped over her sensible cargo pants. She tries desperately to create some kind of illusion of relaxed parenting, but the fear in her eyes as her child climbs to the top of the toddlers’ climbing frame gives her away every time.
Her kids tend to either be exasperated by her cloying protectiveness and delight in terrifying her by running full-pelt to the nearest road before screeching to a halt, teetering at the kerb as juggernauts screech by, or they become mini versions of her, their pinched, worried faces peering out from behind her bumbag at the merest mention of the word ‘bumblebee’. In fact great fun can be had with Helicopter Mum by standing close by her, swatting the air randomly and shouting ‘BEE’ at 10-second intervals.
Of course allergies are no laughing matter and her children are weighed down by their pencil cases full of EpiPens and rucksacks full of tissues and wet wipes. They walk to school along a route that has been stringently risk-assessed by Helicopter Mum, the results of which dictated that they wear skate pads and helmets for the entire five-minute journey and it would be no surprise to see them quite literally wrapped in cotton wool for their Cycling Proficiency Test.
In the playground, Helicopter Mum is such a bubble of nervous energy that it is almost impossible to hold a complete conversation with her, distracted as she is by her children playing dangerously nearby. The best time to catch her is just after the bell rings for the start of the school day when there is a five-minute window of opportunity before she begins to worry about pick up. If you are inviting her child to tea be prepared for an in-depth grilling on the safety of your home (what do you mean you don’t have rubber protectors on the table corners?) and for God’s sake don’t mention the building work you are having done or you’ll all be in hard hats faster than you can say ‘BEE’!
Unlike some of the other Mafia Mums, Helicopter Mum really can’t help her behaviour and she means no harm – quite the opposite, and at least you know your child is in safe hands with her. However, the reverse is not necessarily true and if something should happen to her child when in your care, then we really wouldn’t like to consider the consequences.
All together now: ‘BEE!’
She says: ‘Have you washed your hands?’
She means: ‘Here, use my hand gel. Do you realise how many germs there are living on that school gate?’
She says: ‘Little Johnny would love to come to tea.’
She means: ‘I will be carrying out a full health and safety risk assessment programme before I let little Johnny get within half a mile of the danger zone you call home.’
She says: ‘I like your dress.’
She means: ‘Is that a bee I can see?’
Points awarded: 15
Bonus Points: 75 if you see her cycling anywhere without her anti-smog mask on.
