Читать книгу The Playground Mafia - Clare Christian - Страница 12
ОглавлениеLIKELY TO WEAR: Primani.
WHEN NOT IN THE PLAYGROUND YOU ARE LIKELY TO FIND HER: In the betting shop.
IF SHE WERE A COCKTAIL, SHE WOULD BE: A pint of snakebite.
IF SHE WERE A MEAL, SHE WOULD BE: A doner kebab.
IF SHE WERE IN A BUILDER’S MERCHANTS, SHE WOULD BE: A wheelbarrow.
Easily identified by her whale-tail thong, Chav Mum is most usually seen sporting super-short skirts (which double up as boob tubes in the summer), streaky orange legs (always exposed, regardless of weather) and a Croydon facelift. Her dimply thighs and purple veins cause Toyboy Dad many sleepless nights (not in a good way) and her Primani look is effortlessly uncool.
If not immediately visible in the playground she will most likely be found in a far corner having a sneaky Lambert and Butler, while her four or five children climb onto the roof of the school building in order to spit on passers-by.
Saddled with names such as Britney, Jordan, Keeley and Tyler you would be forgiven for thinking that their full names are actually ‘C’mere Britney/Jordan/Keeley/Tyler You Little Shit’ and just how Chav Mum managed to get them into your school is a topic much discussed by Ofsted Mum. She mutters angrily about out-sized satellite dishes and moss-covered caravans in driveways surely ‘rendering any right of catchment moot’ and mumblings about ‘the dirty tricks that must have been pulled to secure places’ run the length and breadth of the playground. Final consensus then is that Chav Mum’s enormous shaven-headed brothers put in a, shall we say personal application to the headmaster – and we can imagine it didn’t need any forms.
Outside of school Chav Mum is likely to be found in the local betting shop or in the pub downing a swift cheeky one before picking the kids up. She does occasionally abandon the battered Ford Escort and opt instead to walk to school, but it’s best to avoid joining her since Flaky Mum was once caught up in an embarrassing situation where a passing car slowed to a snail’s pace with the window down only for the driver to ask if they were ‘looking for business’!
Although it is generally advisable to avoid this mum, there is one exception to the rule: when conflict with the teachers is brewing. Imagine the situation: the school is threatening to cancel lunchtime chess club after Competitive Mum’s child is caught in an unfortunate cheating incident. The mums are on the warpath; how dare the school act in this way! A voice is needed, a powerful presence to intimidate the school. Enter the hero of the hour, Chav Mum. She doesn’t give a sovereign ring about chess club but loves a good fight and her foul mouth, bottomless, barefaced cheek and threats to ‘cut ’em up’, are the perfect foil to get the teachers to toe the line.
Wind her up and watch her go!
She says: ‘Uze cnt be dissin us coz da way we spit our words innit.’
She means: Um, we’re not too sure here.
She says: ‘Wanna go dahn Primark with some bar an haz a chaaaz burga innit. Sweet?’
She means: OK, we’re going for something about shopping for this one.
She says: ‘Us chavs are bare chong uze are all minging mert.’
She means: Um – maybe she likes your dress??
Points awarded: 5. She’s common in every sense.
Bonus Points: No bonuses here we’re afraid but you can take 50 points away from your total if you have the same tragic tramp stamp as her.
