Читать книгу The Playground Mafia - Clare Christian - Страница 11
ОглавлениеLIKELY TO WEAR: Surf shorts and Fat Face flip-flops regardless of the weather.
WHEN NOT IN THE PLAYGROUND YOU ARE LIKELY TO FIND HIM: Driving his sports car up and down the high street.
IF HE WERE A COCKTAIL, HE WOULD BE: A Hairy Navel.
IF HE WERE A MEAL, HE WOULD BE: Prawn cocktail, rump steak (well done) and sherry trifle.
IF HE WERE IN A BUILDER’S MERCHANTS, HE WOULD BE: A decorator’s touch-up brush.
Poor Midlife Crisis Dad. He tries hard, he really does, but let’s face it he’s never going to get it right because he’s HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS! His hormones are raging, SHOUTING at him that wearing a baseball cap back to front is a really good idea, YELLING at him to download Wiz Khalifa to his engraved iPod and INSISTING that trading in the sensible people carrier for a Subaru Impreza is the right thing to do.
He strides through the playground, exuding misplaced confidence and eau de Lynx as he makes a beeline for the sexiest mums to regale them with tales of moshing at music festivals and clubbing with his 19-year-old nephew. Running his hand through his (thinning) hair (with bleach-blond tips) he talks of rounding up the other dads for a boys’ night out while each mum makes a mental note to ensure that their husband is left off that particular list.
Overly tactile, Midlife Crisis Dad will find any excuse to feel you up, playfully tripping you so he can catch you in his manly (slightly slack) arms and nudging you frequently to remind you to laugh at his jokes. Or perhaps it’s just to notify you that he has made a joke. It’s not always very clear.
His children are easily spotted as they wear a perpetual cloak of shame whenever he is in the playground, and particularly when he is limbering up for the Dads’ Race on Sports Day (‘Please God don’t let him wear the Linford Christie outfit again,’ they pray the night before).
The Linford Christie outfit is a dream though compared to his choice of attire for the parents’ night out. When he embarked on his midlife crisis a few years ago he must have read that drainpipes were back, but obviously forgot to turn the page to see the article continue: ‘but only if under 25 and less than 11 stone.’ Since then he has favoured combining skinny jeans with a tight fit shirt, always open to just above his bellybutton, revealing a glimpse of bling nestling in the slightly sweaty chest hair. The whole ensemble is topped off, quite literally, with his Pete Doherty pork pie hat which has been known to come in handy later on in the evening to catch the vomit after one too many WKDs. Rather worryingly it is always back in place for the next outing (eww!).
At heart though Midlife Crisis Dad is not a bad man, just a desperate one. He feels the last vestiges of his youth evaporating faster than the froth on his lager top and he’s doing everything in his power to cling to it for a little longer.
Treat with care, but extreme caution. If you show the slightest weakness, Midlife Crisis Dad cannot be held responsible for his actions!
He says: ‘Would you like to come and look inside my new Porsche 911 Carrera S? It’s 385 hp which is 40 more than the bog-standard Carrera?’
He means: ‘I‘ve got a LITTLE WILLY. Please let me touch your boobies.’
He says: ‘I’m thinking of working from home on Fridays. My wife will be at work.”
He means: ‘Please, please let me touch your boobies.’
He says: ‘I like your dress.’
He means: ‘I really, REALLY want to touch your boobies.’
Points awarded: 5 (the playgrounds are full of them!)
Bonus Points: Have an extra couple of points if he invites you to the roller disco.
